Your REAL Guide To The Witcher 3's Characters

The grand scale and superb review scores for The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt are attracting more new players to the series than ever before. Yesterday, Kim wrote her own character primer to get newbie witchers up to speed, and – considering the fact that she reviewed the game for us – it's pretty good. However, it doesn't tell you everything that you need to know – that's where my decades of professional analysis and patented method for Keeping It Real™ come into play. Once you're done learning from my stunning insight, you'll be witching with the best of them. You're welcome!

If you're worried about spoilers, don't; I haven't played any of The Witcher 3, so I can't possibly spoil what I don't know. In fact, I haven't played any of the Witcher games. That didn't stop me from providing a brilliant analysis of The Witcher 2's characters, though, which you could say is the most insightful thing any critic has ever written about the series...until now. So let's get to it!

Name: Geraldo Rivera Geralt of Rivia
Occupation: Witcher
Analysis: Our hero of The Witcher series is back, and even though "witcher" still sounds like a lame occupation, the fact that he's been hunting monsters for three games and is still alive is a testament to how tough Geralt is. The Witcher Wiki has added a new alias for Geralt since my last analysis: Ravix of Fourhorn, which he apparently got for attending the birthday party of a 15-year-old princess. Hmm...that's not awesome at all, is it? I'd stick with the Butcher of Blaviken, which Geralt became known as when he slaughtered a town full of bandits to save some villagers; that's way cooler than drinking imaginary tea with a bunch of kiddies.

If you still think Geralt's long silver hair makes him look more like an angry grandma than a bad-ass action hero, consider this: Geralt is being stalked by the Witcher 3's titular Wild Hunt, a group of specters that are considered the harbingers of war and misfortune. You've got to be pretty awesome to land on the sh** list of a supernatural hit squad.

CD Projekt RED temporarily forgot that it wasn't a JRPG developer during creation of The Witcher 2, which led to Geralt wandering around with amnesia for the entire game. According to Kim, Geralt has his memory back in The Witcher 3, so I'm guessing that makes him even more awesome. However, that also means he'll have to reconcile his love triangle with Triss and Yennefer – maybe he can pull a Walter White and blame it on an extended fugue state?
Rating: Still Awesome

Name: Emhyr var Emries
Occupation: Emperor
Analysis: Uh-oh. This guy looks like he's straight out of Game of Thrones. I wouldn't trust a word he says – you can tell he's just waiting for the optimal moment to screw you over. Even his pose is suspicious; I bet he's got his finger crossed behind his back, and his goblet is probably full of poison, which he'll get you to trick yourself into drinking like that scene from The Princess Bride.

Emhyr's nickname is "White Flame Dancing on the Barrows of his Enemies," which isn't nearly as cool as Butcher of Blaviken, but it's still pretty menacing; "barrows" can mean either the hill of dirt over a grave or a castrated male swine. Either way, you probably don't want to mess with him.

Emhyr was cursed as a kid by some jerk wizard, which caused him to turn into a monster hedgehog during the night – a werehog, if you will. Unlike Sonic, however, Emhyr bounced back from his damnable transformation, getting Geralt to reverse the curse and eventually becoming emperor. You'd think being a freaky mutant hedgehog would give him some compassion for other people, but apparently it just makes you the kind of person who dances on your enemy's graves/neutered pigs. Go figure.
Rating: Untrustworthy Jerkwad

Name: Ciri
Occupation: Princess, Voice of iPhone
Analysis: I know what you're thinking: Ciri is just the female version of Geralt – she's even got the same hairdo! However, you're wrong (well, except for the hair). Ciri is actually the daughter of Emhyr the werehog, but was given to Geralt when she was born as payment for his curse-lifting services (apparently that's the law or something). Now that Geralt has his memory back in Wild Hunt, he'll spend at least part of the game looking for his long-lost pseudo-daughter.  

Ciri is known as the Lion Cub of Cintra, which is a pretty decent nickname as far as this series goes – but how old is she? She definitely looks like her cub years are over. Either way, Ciri seems like she can hold her own in battle, which is good considering you'll be playing as her at least part of the time.
Rating: Formidable

Name: Yennefer
Occupation: Sorceress
Analysis: I'd make fun of Yennefer's goofy name, but it looks like she can murder me with her mind. It also appears she has some sort of teleporting demon-crow as a pet?! Man, now I just want to play as Yennefer.

Here's a fun fact: Yennefer is over 90 years old! Talk about aging gracefully. Does everyone in this series have that Benjamin Button disease? Yennefer is also described as a mother figure to the much-older-looking Ciri, and one-third of Geralt's love triangle. Good luck explaining your infidelity to the demon-crow, Geralt. I'm Team Yennefer all the way.
Rating: Not Getting Too Old For This Sh**

Coming Up Next: The other third of Geralt's love triangle...

Name: Triss Merigold
Occupation: Sorceress
Analysis: Oh man, Geralt is so screwed. While not quite as scary-looking as Yennefer, Triss can apparently conjure flaming books and make them levitate – I wouldn't want to mess with her, either. I'm not sure of Triss' age, but based on the aging conventions of the other characters, I'm guessing she's probably like 600 years old.

Most of the Witcher Wiki is preoccupied with Triss' sex scenes, so I don't know much about her beyond my last analysis: She is one of the few survivors of Battle of Sodden Hill, she's a mage who is somehow also allergic to magic, and she's a redhead like that no-good Kyle. Triss' disposition to Geralt looks like it could depend heavily on your choices in The Witcher 2, so hopefully there will be a "Don't blame me, I didn't play the first two games!" dialog option for  us newcomers when we run into her. Really, Geralt: Stop sleeping around with sorceresses!
Rating: Still Trouble

Name: Vesemir
Occupation: Witcher
Analysis: Huh? Vesemir just looks like a fat old Geralt. He can't even be bothered to hold his sword right – does he actually know which side is the pointy end?

Vesemir is described as the oldest Witcher and an excellent fencer. I buy the first half of that statement, but an excellent fencer? It looks like his pants would fall down on the first swing!

Additionally, Vesemir is supposedly a father figure to Geralt, but I'm still not convinced that they're actually different people. My guess? Wild Hunt will have some kind of time-travel subplot where Geralt has to go to the future to prevent himself from turning into this cranky old sad-sack. I really hope he succeeds.
Rating: Cautionary Tale

Name: Dandelion
Occupation: Bard
Analysis: Oh for the love of crap – this guy is still alive? How did he survive the first two games? I thought Geralt was a bad-ass for living this long, but apparently everyone thrives in Nilfgaard. Seriously, Dandelion must be the best bard ever to sing his way out of constantly being murdered by The Witcher's bandits, rogues, and assassins – not to mention monsters! What is this dude's secret?

Dandelion was described as Geralt's best friend in The Witcher 2. I'm guessing that was the amnesia talking – hopefully the opening scene of Wild Hunt is Geralt getting his memory back, taking one look at Dandelion, and then smashing that dumb lute over his dumb head.
Rating: Inexplicably Alive

Name: King Of The Wild Hunt
Occupation: Doom Incarnate
Analysis: Hold on a minute – this is the thing that's hunting down Geralt?! I know I've been defending Geralt as a super-tough monster hunter, but he's totally screwed. I thought the Wild Hunt were just some ghosts that Geralt could wave his witching wand at, but this thing is some kind of terrifying demon warrior – his helmet is shaped like a skull, for crying out loud. At least Geralt won't have to worry about his love triangle when the King's done spreading his viscera all over the battlefield.

Apparently the Wild Hunt are attacking and capturing villagers during the game, and the King of the Wild Hunt is looking for Ciri, so you know that you'll have to confront him eventually. Geralt's only hope of survival is to bring Dandelion along; either the bard can serenade this dude into a peaceful submission, or Geralt can strike while the King is busy turning him into a human meat puppet. Don't worry, Dandelion: We'll write a moving song about your noble sacrifice.
Rating: Lives Up To The Name

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt comes out next Tuesday, May 19 for PlayStation 4, Xbox One, and PC. For more on the game, read our review, watch our Test Chamber, and visit our coverage hub. For more of my expert analysis, check out my assessments of Smash Bros.' characters, BioShock Infinite's enemies, PlayStation All-Stars' fighters, Monster Hunter's....monsters, Devil May Cry's fashion, Soulcalibur V's ridiculous storylines, and all the Pokémon you can possibly stomach.