After reading the ridiculous backstories for the characters of Soulcalibur V, I've decided to throw them out and create my own, better storylines. Don't worry about payment, Namco Bandai – these brilliant ideas are on the house.

I've never been much of a fighting game fan, but my lack of familiarity with Pokémon didn't stop me from providing this incredible analysis of Nintendo's newest pocket monsters, and my struggles in Skyrim yielded some truly invaluable tips for amateur gamers. It's with this level of professionalism that I turn my eye towards Soulcalibur V. Below you'll find my stunningly in-depth analysis of some of the game's characters, along with their official backstories and my new and improved backstories. Let's start with the guy who got bit by that tiger.

Analysis: Let's see what Siegfried's got going for him – not a cool name, obviously. Oh, so it's going to be one of those giant sword games? Gotcha.
Real Story: Having used the legendary Soul Calibur sword to defeat its cursed counterpart, Soul Edge, Siegfried tried to live a peaceful life, only to find out the Soul Edge has respawned, and a new warrior will be needed to wield his soul-infused sword.
Better Story: First of all, the whole Soul Calibur/Soul Blade story has to go. Instead, let's fall back on the best fighting game storyline mechanic ever created: the tournament!

After having his pretty face cut in an argument over his lute-playing abilities (a lute dispute), Siegfried turned to oversized swords to prove his manliness. When a rival pointed out that his sword was so big he couldn't possibly wield it, Siegfried devised the Soul Calibur tournament to silence all doubters – hoping that all of his challengers would kill each other off before he had to fight any of them.

Edge Master
Analysis: I recognize this guy from Skyrim. He made me a bitchin' sword in his Skyforge.
Real Story: A former teacher at the Ling-Sheng Temple, Edge Master began teaching Kilik how to control his evil so that he may one day defeat Soul Edge.
Better Story: Tired of spending his life crafting weapons for weakling adventures destined to take arrow to their knees during fetch quests, Edge Master decided to start fighting for himself, to show the Companions how it's done. Edge Master wants to see if his own sword can live up to the power of Soul Edge – but more importantly, he really wants to get out of Skyrim. It's cold up there.

Analysis: Mitsurugi reminds me of the assassin from Lone Wolf and Cub, only without the orphan baby (on a side note, Mitsurugi should totally carry around an orphan baby when he fights – make it happen, Namco-Bandai!). Also, Mitsurugi's clothes and chest are all cut up, which makes me think he's really not all that good with his katana.
Real Story: Mitsurugi was once a swordsman just looking for enemies to fight in order to test his skills, until he entered an alternate dimension and fought a king on a giant tower. That king's sword later turned out to be Soul Calibur or something.
Better Story: Mitsurugi was the greatest swordsman in his clan, with one glaring weakness: his love of impractical wooden shoes. After continually injuring himself with his own sword while trying to fight in his unforgiving clogs, the clan exiled him out of embarrassment – but Mitsurugi's devotion to his timber-spawned footwear did not waver. Mitsurugi is fighting in the new Soul Calibur tournament to prove he's the greatest fighter in the world – wobbly shoes and all.

Analysis: Tira's most notable feature is her giant, ringed blade, which is possibly the worst design for a weapon I've ever seen.
Real Story: Tira is a former assassin who was in love with Soul Edge before it was destroyed. She also has two personalities, which "howled together in a chorus of rage" when the blade was destroyed. Nowadays we call that "being emo." 
Better Story: Tira was once an acrobat in a smalltime circus. She dreamed of one day entertaining on a larger stage, but alas, was only good at using a hula hoop. After years of working her way up the professional hula-hooping circuit, she competed in an international competition, only to be beaten by an arch-rival whose hoop totally wasn't even the regulation weight! After that, Tira took a turn for the worse, crafting her patented (and now totally awesome) bladed hula hoop. She beheaded her rival in an epic showdown (actually, it wasn't that epic since her rival was using a plastic hoop, but whatever). But her vengeance – nay, revengeance – wasn't enough. She has joined the newly announced Soul Calibur tournament to claim more victims.

Analysis: What the hell is with this guy? I can only assume Dampierre is a cross between "Pierre," a stereotypically wimpy French guy name, and "damp," because he pees in his pants all the time.
Real Story: Dampierre's entire back story can be summed up by calling him a con man. Even worse, he's supposed to be from Italy! Come on – no self-respecting Italian man would dress like that!
Better Story: Dampierre is the former ringleader of Tira's small-time circus. Before Dampierre could profess his undying love for the mediocre hula-hoop performer, Tira left to pursue her dream (not that Dampierre would have had much of a shot with that moustache, anyway). Upon her departure, Dampierre turned his big top into a twisted circus of the macabre, in which performers and horrified spectators alike died gruesome deaths on a nightly basis. Being French, however, this only made the circus more popular. Motivated by his newfound success, Dampierre set out to find Tira and prove himself worthy of her love, even if it means once again making his pants damp – with the blood of his enemies.

Analysis: Oh for crying out loud, what is this guy's problem? And how many Muppets did he skin to make his assless chaps?
Real Story: Voldo was a loyal servant who killed in the name of his Italian merchant master, Vercci (why is every jackass in this series from Italy?). However, Vercci was just an illusion created by Soul Edge. That really doesn't make Voldo any less of a creep, though.
Better Story: Voldo is yet another performer from Tira's circus, which is now so integral to the story that it needs a name. Let's call it Cirque du Freak. What? That's already a thing? Man, people are dumb. Let's call it Dampierre's Carnivorous Carnival.

Voldo was originally a juggler, but Dampierre threatened to fire him because his act lacked flair. So he switched from bowling pins to knives. Still not enough flair. He added blinders into the mix, but still Dampierre wanted more flair. So Voldo added the spider web face gag, spiky skeleton fingers on the sides of his head, and assless Muppet chaps. Then Dampierre fired him for being a weirdo. Revengeance!