The lights are on
After reading the ridiculous backstories for the characters
of Soulcalibur V, I've decided to throw them out and create my own, better
storylines. Don't worry about payment, Namco Bandai – these brilliant ideas are
on the house.
I've never been much of a fighting game fan, but my lack of
familiarity with Pokémon didn't stop me from providing this incredible
analysis of Nintendo's newest pocket monsters, and my struggles in Skyrim
yielded some truly
invaluable tips for amateur gamers. It's with this level of professionalism
that I turn my eye towards Soulcalibur V. Below you'll find my stunningly
in-depth analysis of some of the game's characters, along with their official
backstories and my new and improved backstories. Let's start with the guy who got
bit by that tiger.
see what Siegfried's got going for him – not a cool name, obviously. Oh, so
it's going to be one of those giant sword games? Gotcha.Real Story:
Having used the legendary Soul Calibur sword to defeat its cursed counterpart,
Soul Edge, Siegfried tried to live a peaceful life, only to find out the Soul
Edge has respawned, and a new warrior will be needed to wield his soul-infused
First of all, the whole Soul Calibur/Soul Blade story has to go. Instead, let's
fall back on the best fighting game storyline mechanic ever created: the
After having his pretty face cut in an argument over his
lute-playing abilities (a lute dispute), Siegfried turned to oversized swords
to prove his manliness. When a rival pointed out that his sword was so big he
couldn't possibly wield it, Siegfried devised the Soul Calibur tournament to
silence all doubters – hoping that all of his challengers would kill each other
off before he had to fight any of them.
Edge MasterAnalysis: I
recognize this guy from Skyrim. He made me a bitchin' sword in his Skyforge.Real Story: A
former teacher at the Ling-Sheng Temple, Edge Master began teaching Kilik how
to control his evil so that he may one day defeat Soul Edge.Better Story: Tired
of spending his life crafting weapons for weakling adventures destined to take
arrow to their knees during fetch quests, Edge Master decided to start fighting
for himself, to show the Companions how it's done. Edge Master wants to see if
his own sword can live up to the power of Soul Edge – but more importantly, he
really wants to get out of Skyrim. It's cold up there.
Mitsurugi reminds me of the assassin from Lone
Wolf and Cub, only without the orphan baby (on a side note, Mitsurugi
should totally carry around an orphan baby when he fights – make it happen, Namco-Bandai!).
Also, Mitsurugi's clothes and chest are all cut up, which makes me think he's really
not all that good with his katana.Real Story: Mitsurugi
was once a swordsman just looking for enemies to fight in order to test his
skills, until he entered an alternate dimension and fought a king on a giant
tower. That king's sword later turned out to be Soul Calibur or something.Better Story:
Mitsurugi was the greatest swordsman in his clan, with one glaring weakness:
his love of impractical wooden shoes. After continually injuring himself with
his own sword while trying to fight in his unforgiving clogs, the clan exiled
him out of embarrassment – but Mitsurugi's devotion to his timber-spawned
footwear did not waver. Mitsurugi is fighting in the new Soul Calibur tournament
to prove he's the greatest fighter in the world – wobbly shoes and all.
most notable feature is her giant, ringed blade, which is possibly the worst
design for a weapon I've ever seen.Real Story: Tira
is a former assassin who was in love with Soul Edge before it was destroyed.
She also has two personalities, which "howled together in a chorus of rage"
when the blade was destroyed. Nowadays we call that "being emo." Better Story: Tira
was once an acrobat in a smalltime circus. She dreamed of one day entertaining
on a larger stage, but alas, was only good at using a hula hoop. After years of
working her way up the professional hula-hooping circuit, she competed in an
international competition, only to be beaten by an arch-rival whose hoop totally wasn't even the regulation weight!
After that, Tira took a turn for the worse, crafting her patented (and now
totally awesome) bladed hula hoop. She beheaded her rival in an epic showdown
(actually, it wasn't that epic since her rival was using a plastic hoop, but
whatever). But her vengeance – nay, revengeance – wasn't enough. She has joined
the newly announced Soul Calibur tournament to claim more victims.
the hell is with this guy? I can only assume Dampierre is a cross between
"Pierre," a stereotypically wimpy French guy name, and "damp," because he pees
in his pants all the time.Real Story: Dampierre's
entire back story can be summed up by calling him a con man. Even worse, he's
supposed to be from Italy! Come on – no self-respecting Italian man would dress
like that!Better Story: Dampierre
is the former ringleader of Tira's small-time circus. Before Dampierre could
profess his undying love for the mediocre hula-hoop performer, Tira left to
pursue her dream (not that Dampierre would have had much of a shot with that
moustache, anyway). Upon her departure, Dampierre turned his big top into a twisted
circus of the macabre, in which performers and horrified spectators alike died
gruesome deaths on a nightly basis. Being French, however, this only made the
circus more popular. Motivated by his newfound success, Dampierre set out to
find Tira and prove himself worthy of her love, even if it means once again making
his pants damp – with the blood of his enemies.
VoldoAnalysis: Oh for
crying out loud, what is this guy's problem? And how many Muppets did he skin
to make his assless chaps?Real Story: Voldo
was a loyal servant who killed in the name of his Italian merchant master,
Vercci (why is every jackass in this series from Italy?). However, Vercci was
just an illusion created by Soul Edge. That really doesn't make Voldo any less
of a creep, though.Better Story: Voldo
is yet another performer from Tira's circus, which is now so integral to the
story that it needs a name. Let's call it Cirque du Freak. What? That's already
a thing? Man, people are dumb. Let's call it Dampierre's Carnivorous Carnival.
Voldo was originally a juggler, but Dampierre threatened to
fire him because his act lacked flair. So he switched from bowling pins to
knives. Still not enough flair. He added blinders into the mix, but still
Dampierre wanted more flair. So Voldo added the spider web face gag, spiky
skeleton fingers on the sides of his head, and assless Muppet chaps. Then
Dampierre fired him for being a weirdo. Revengeance!
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.