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Analyzing The New Super Smash Bros. Characters

The Smash Bros. series has always pulled together a diverse roster of characters, and Super Smash Bros. is no different. While rumors continue to surface of potential additions, Nintendo has already confirmed a host of newcomers. How will they stack up to the series' veterans? Let's find out.

I haven't played nearly as much Smash Bros. as some of my obsessed co-workers, but I am unrivaled when it comes to analyzing video game characters. I've assessed dozens upon dozens of the enslaved gladiators of Nintendo's Pokémon series, as well as the enemies of BioShock Infinite and even the fighting roster of Sony's PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale. Assessing some new Super Smash Bros. characters should be a cakewalk, so let's get to it.

Newcomer #1: Robin
Robin comes from Nintendo's Fire Emblem series, and although I'm not super familiar with the tactical RPGs, I do have eyes, and I can see that Robin is bringing a book to a free-for-all melee brawl. To be fair, it does appear to be a magical book, so he'll probably be able to cast a bunch of lightning and fire spells, and maybe even every nerd's go-to D&D attack, the magic missile. Robin may be the stereotypical androgynous JRPG protagonist, but that still makes him more of a threat than some of the hopeless losers in Super Smash Bros.
Battle Assessment: This bookworm can probably hold his own.

Newcomer #2: Pac-Man
Speaking of hopeless losers: Nintendo has also confirmed that Pac-Man will be joining the roster. At least they chose the version that has arms and legs, but they don't seem to be helping him much – apparently his special move is boring his opponents with reminders of Bandai Namco's other forgotten arcade games. Kirby just looks like he feels sorry for Pac-Man; he probably identifies with him on some level because they share the same body type. Also, why the hell does Kirby have a nose all of a sudden? Anyway, I guess the fact that Pac-Man can eat ghosts gives him some street cred, but unless he's constantly munching power pellets, I'd consider him an underdog.
Battle Assessment: He's a yellow circle, for crying out loud.

Newcomer #3: Palutena
Confession: I had to look up who the heck Palutena is – apparently she's from Kid Icarus: Uprising. The only characters I remember from Kid Icarus are Kid Icarus and that jerk who turns you into an eggplant. Regardless, Palutena looks pretty formidable. She's got a shield, which gives her more defensive power than pretty much every other character in the game, and her staff looks magical – not to mention way more intimidating than the book that nerd Robin is brandishing. In Kid Icarus lore (which is now something I have sadly wasted minutes of my life looking up), Palutena is the Goddess of Light and the benevolent ruler of Skyworld. That probably means she won't be as aggressive as Super Smash Bros.' more cutthroat characters, but then again, you don't really have to be when you're a goddess.
Battle Assessment: Never bet against a goddess.

Newcomer #4: Miis
Miis are a great addition to the Super Smash Bros. roster that will finally allow players to live out their dream of partaking in battle against their favorite Nintendo characters. That won't stop them from getting wailed on, though – your dopey, pie-eyed doppelganger is no match for the likes of Mario, Link, and Samus, even if you can ape their powers. Think about it: They've been going on harrowing adventures and saving the day for decades – all you do is sit on your couch in your underwear (probably) and play video games. Your Mii's cutesy demeanor won't change the fact that it's going to be a slaughter.
Battle Assessment: Face it, you suck.

Newcomer #5: Greninja
I'm not familiar with this Pokémon, but as far as Nintendo's goofy pocket monsters go, this one isn't half bad. Greninja is a ninja frog, which I want to say is stupid, but then again I grew up watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons, so what the hell do I know. Regardless, it's a universal fact that ninjas are awesome fighters, so Greninja should hold up well against the other contestants. At first I was a little skeptical of the fact that he uses his own tongue as a scarf, but I'm guessing it probably confuses and disgusts his enemies long enough for him to beat the crap out of them. He still ain't got sh-- on Pikachu, though.
Battle Assessment:  That's one formidable frog.

Coming Up Next: The best of the best, and the worst of the losers...

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