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Analyzing The New Pokémon Of X & Y

Gogoat
I don't get it – this is just a goat with some leaves on it. I mean, he looks tough enough, but so do real goats. His abilities are rather underwhelming too; his main ability is Sap Sipper, and his hidden ability is Grass Pelt. On the plus side, Gogoat is classified as a Mount Pokémon, which makes him quite the stud.  
Official Pokémon Rating: Name Sounds Like Gogurt

Furfrou
Game Freak is obviously padding out Pokémon X & Y's roster now. Furfrou is just a dog – it's not even a cool dog, it's a dumb poodle. In fact, it's even classified as a Poodle Pokémon, raising more disturbing questions: Are all dogs considered Pokémon in the series' lore? If so, what the hell happens to them when they evolve? Also, aren't we just fighting dogs at this point? People go to jail for that...
Official Pokémon Rating: Where's PETA When You Need Them?

Dedenne
This is just a cheap Pikachu rip-off! Apparently Game Freak ran out of real animals to copy, so now it's rehashing its own creations. It's like a snake eating its own tail. Wait a minute...I think I just invented a new Pokémon: Tailchomp! His abilities could be Spin Dash and Endless Cycle, and he'd be classified as a Regurgitating Pokémon. You're welcome, Game Freak.
Official Pokémon Rating: Not As Cool As Tailchomp

Honedge
Well, this is a depressing downward spiral we're stuck in. Now they're copying inanimate objects? Unsurprisingly, Honedge is classified as a Sword Pokémon, because – if you haven't figured it out – it's a freakin' sword! You'd think it would at least have some cool abilities, but it only comes with No Guard. What is that? If you catch one of these things, you might as well melt it down and make a toaster.
Official Pokémon Rating: Bottom Of The Barrel


(image courtesy of Bulbapedia)

Klefki
Are you kidding me?! Klefki is a ring of keys! Someone literally just looked at their table, saw their keys, and made it a Pokémon! The image above isn't even official art, because Game Freak was probably too embarrassed to make any. I'm not even going to tell you what kind of Pokémon Klefki is classified as, because you already know the answer. Just when I thought Klefki couldn't get any stupider, I read its Pokédex entry:

"It never lets go of a key that it likes, so people give it the keys to vaults and safes as a way to prevent crime."

That doesn't even make sense – if you give it your key, you'll never get it back! Is there no approval process whatsoever for designing Pokémon?
Official Pokémon Rating: It's A Ring Of Keys, For Crying Out Loud 

Coming Up Next: Can Game Freak Return From The Brink Of Insanity?

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