The lights are on
comes to hunting, people often say that man is the most dangerous game. Those
people are idiots; giant monsters are clearly way more dangerous, and the
Monster Hunter franchise is loaded with them. If you don't believe me, join me
for an analysis of the deadly new monsters of Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, which
launches on March 19.
actually played a Monster Hunter game before, but I've already proven myself an
expert at monster analysis, having tackled the terrifying
creatures of Pokémon on two separate occasions. After assessing dozens of
pocket monsters, I think a handful of new Monster Hunter monsters shouldn't be
Nargacuga (Rare Species)
Species: Flying Wyvern
Analysis: Holy crap, these monster
hunters aren't messing around. This rare form of Nargacuga has the ability to
turn invisible, and can also shoot poisonous spikes out of its spiky tail,
which is overkill if you ask me. It's also classified as a Wyvern, which is basically
a two-legged dragon...even though this thing clearly has four legs. I'm not sure
what purpose the orange markings under its eyes and rainbow-colored scales on
its chest serve, but I'm going to assume it's because even a ferocious monster
likes to feel pretty from time to time.
Danger Level: High
Demeanor: Fierce Yet Fancy
BrachydiosSpecies: Brute WyvernAnalysis: Alright, I'm just going to
assume that Capcom decided to throw the whole "Wyverns have two legs" thing out
the window, because all of these monsters have way too many limbs. This
one also seems to be suffering from some kind of terrible illness, because it's
covered in phlegm. Have monster hunters ever considered the possibility that
maybe these guys are just ticked off because they're sick all the time? Or do
they just jump straight to killing these creatures without considering what
makes them monsters in the first place? I'm beginning to sense an injustice
have a weakness to water attacks, but I'm guessing a box of Kleenex and a dose
of Nyquil would also do the job.Danger Level: MediumGross-Out Factor: Off The Charts
Rust DuramborosSpecies: Brute WyvernAnalysis: The poor Rust Duramboros
doesn't get nearly the amount of respect it deserves. Despite its menacing
horns and deadly ax tail, this subspecies of the Duramboros has been nicknamed
Pink Dobo, due to the coloring caused by living in the deserts of Sandy Plains.
It's bad enough that monster hunters slay these legendary beasts for no good
reason; calling them Pink Dobos is just demeaning.Danger Level: UnderratedRespect Level: Ain't Getting Any
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
Horniness level: Pretty horny. Brilliant.
This game is looking Clawsome!
Pokemon on steroids!
Great Job Jeff, Danger Level: XXX and then parental discretion advised, so funny.
Oh boy, what kind of fetish went into the design of Guran-Miraosu? Another funny read,keep em coming, Fava!
Like Jeff Marchiafava's humor, it's awesome. Monsters sound really cool, and the game looks amazing.
Nice, this just made made my day! I'm really looking forward to this game.
Hangtime, I love these articles. I hope more games come out with a variety of monsters for you to "analyze." Thanks for the laughs!
How many of those things have I caught in pokemon before?
Those are some downright helpful analyzations Jeff! Haha, I do always enjoy these more laid back, funny features.
Getting Monster Hunter games in America is already wonderful, but having Jeff analyze them is the icing on the cake.
Very funny. I can't wait for another one of these.
Always enjoy the JeffM humor previews. Read em all. I can say with certainty, then, this is far and away the best yet. Keep it up!
*clap clap clap*