Missed Review Headline Opportunities: Vol. II

Let's face it: Most readers don't actually read reviews. Instead they just look at the score and immediately jump to the comments section/email/social media to tell you how wrong and stupid you are. The best you can hope for is that someone might actually look past that big dumb number and glance at the headline – which is the first and probably last thing they'll read. That's precisely why an awesome headline is so necessary.

Luckily, I'm an expert in this field. In addition to outlining lots of terrible video game titles, I've offered plenty of naming options for the next Kingdom Hearts and Disgaea entries (even if they're respective developers are too foolish to use them). My first analysis of missed review headline opportunities went swimmingly, so I'm back with even more priceless advice for my fellow editors.

Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair
Actual Headline: Looks Can Be Deceiving
Awesome Headline: Hello Happiness

Here's a simple rule to writing a good headline: The fewer words you use, the better it is. Kim's headline contains four words, and points to how Goodbye Despair's plot twists – and the sequel in general – deviate from your expectations and what has come before in the series. However, my headline only contains two words, and therefore is twice as good. It also plays off the game's subtitle, and lets you know that it's fun. I guess I could've shortened it to just "Hellppiness" and doubled my goodness ratio yet again, but we've got to leave room for improvement in the future.

Tales of Hearts R
Actual Headline: Missing Heart And Soul
Awesome Headline: The "R" Stands For Rental

As the previous entry also demonstrated, playing off of the game's title is another great way to make your headline stand out. For some reason Kim went with what I am assuming is a reference to the 1993 comedy Heart and Souls, which also evokes the titular "Hearts" to convey that the game doesn't live up to the rest of the series. My headline isn't quite as elegant, but still gets the same point across – hey, I'm not the one who was stupid enough to put a random "R" at the end of the game's title.

Dragon Ball Xenoverse
Actual Headline: A New Face In A Familiar Setting
Awesome Headline: More Like Xenorefrain

Kyle's headline for the latest Dragon Balls installment refers to the fact that the game lets fans relive memorable moments from the show. So does my headline, which also features a clever musical twist on the game's title. Once again, wordplay trumps stupid nonwordplay. Get with the program, Kyle!

Dead or Alive 5 Last Round
Actual Headline: Familiar Maneuvers
Awesome Headline: Please God It Better Be

Team Ninja stopped making Dead or Alive games back in 2012, and has just been rereleasing "new" versions of DOA 5 ever since. Surprisingly, no one seems to notice or care, but Shea still felt the need call out the repetition in his headline (at least he only used two words). My headline takes a more direct approach, undoubtedly echoing the sentiments of anyone still working at Team Ninja – though at this point I'm pretty sure these sequels are just being spit out by an automated computer program that no one can figure out how to shut off.

Crypt of the Necrodancer
Actual Headline: Get Rhythm, Or You'll Get The Blues
Awesome Headline: Necrofeelin' It

If there's anyone else on staff who understands the value of wordplay, it's Tim Turi. His headline for this unusual rhythm game alludes to the main gameplay mechanic and uses the blues musical genre as a double entendre to describe what happens if your timing is off while playing. In contrast, I spoofed the game's title to make a...necrophilia joke? Hmm...I may have to rethink this one.

Coming Up Next: More ways to make your headlines awesome...

Sunset Overdrive
Actual Headline: Insomniac Games Is Home From War
Awesome Headline: PLAY THIS GAME, STUPID!

Sometimes a good headline can be subtle. Reiner's offering touches on Insomniac's transition from making gritty shooters like Resistance and Fuse back to the studio's roots of fun and wacky action games. The title also evokes the sense that it's a welcome return – Insomniac is finally back to doing what the studio does best. It's a smart, understated headline. Unfortunately, based on the game's dismal sales, it's the opposite of what Insomniac needed. My headline doesn't just convey that you should play the game; it accosts you with that message and insults you for good measure. Now that's a headline – in fact, if Insomniac ever makes a sequel, they should adopt it – the name "Sunset Overdrive" wasn't doing them any favors.

Helldivers
Actual Headline: A Smart Take On The Twin-Stick Shooter
Awesome Headline: More Like Heavendivers

Here's proof that even a headline master like me can learn a thing or two (from myself, granted). My original headline conveys that Helldivers is more demanding and fun than other games in its genre. My new headline uses an ingenious play on words to let readers know how awesome the game is – and it only took three words! This headline is just one example of how versatile the "More Like" format is. For example, if the game sucked, I could've simply called it "More Like Smelldivers."

Code Name S.T.E.A.M.
Actual Headline: Tense Strategy And Honest Abe
Awesome Headline: An Acronym for F.U.N.

Kim came up with a great headline for Code Name: S.T.E.A.M. The first half tells you the game's genre and the feel of the gameplay. The latter half references the fact that Lincoln is in the game, but also conveys the game's quirky tone and sense of humor. My headline simply focuses on telling you how enjoyable the game is, while once again calling back to the title. Why is "fun" spelled like that even though it's not really an acronym? Because two can play that game!

Final Fantasy Type-0 HD
Actual Headline: Experimental Misstep
Awesome Headline: What's Up With Japan's Fascination With Blood Types?

Clearly Miller has mastered the two-word headline, calling out Square Enix's repetitive and lackluster twist on the Final Fantasy formula. My headline doesn't really tell you anything about the game, but come on, it's a valid question.

Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor
Actual Headline: Emergent Action Evolves
Awesome Headline: A Taste Of Mordornity

Once again, Miller offers up a succinct headline that highlights Shadow of Mordor's biggest strength – with a double dose of alliteration to boot! My classy alternative underscores the elegance of modern game development, which results in living, breathing worlds that – alright, none of that crap is true; it's just really hard to make a pun based on Mordor. Oh wait! Mordor In The First Degree! Is it too late to change mine?!

Coming Up Next: The art of the insult...

Dying Light
Actual Headline: The Night Is Dark And Full Of Terrors
Awesome Headline: It's Nothing To Rage Against

Man, Shea really blew it on this one – but he's still new, so I'll give him a pass. His headline refers to how scary and difficult Dying Light gets during the in-game night sequences. He's not wrong, but he missed out on referencing the title's similarity to a line of that supremely overused Dylan Thomas poem. Think about it: How many times have you heard a president/soldier/underprivileged student wax poetically about the need to rage against the dying of the light? It's in like every movie and television show ever! Fortunately, Dying Light turned out pretty good, so there's no need to resist it – as my headline clearly indicates.

The Wolf Among Us
Actual Headline: Changing Fabletown For Better Or Worse
Awesome Headline: Mr. Turd's Mild Ride

Another missed opportunity, Kim's review headline for the fifth episode of The Wolf Among Us calls out the series' mixed results with a bizarre reference to the 1995 Jason Alexander film. Why, Kim? My headline, which was a joint (J)effort between Cork and I, plays off of Fables' inclusion of Mr. Toad, and his Disney ride. A double pun sets up – and kind of oversells – the quality of the game, but you can't let accuracy get in the way of good wordplay.

The Order: 1886
Actual Headline: Uncompromising Cinematic Vision
Awesome Headline: The Odor: 1886 Seconds

Miller strikes again with another terse headline, and this one is particularly clever. The use of the word "uncompromising" insinuates that Ready At Dawn's intense focus is a double-edged sword, delivering unparalleled cinematic style, but at the cost of the gameplay and player freedom. In contrast, my punny headline serves up two low-hanging potshots: The "Odor," because the game stinks, and "1886 seconds" because the game is short. Zing!

Battlefield: Hardline
Actual Headline: Waging A War On Two Fronts
Awesome Headline: Turn On Your Hardline

I really wanted to go with a Neil Diamond/E.T. "Heartlight" reference for my Battlefield: Hardline review headline, but it just comes across as a boner joke if you're not familiar with the song. Instead, I referenced the stark differences between Hardline's single- and multiplayer components and the uphill battle Visceral has to prove itself in the Battlefield space. In hindsight, however, I should've scrapped both of them and gone with a "Police Defartment" joke instead. Here's hoping we'll get a sequel!

D4
Actual Headline: Murder With A Sense Of Humor
Awesome Headline: Delivers Decent Drama, Dammit

Two can play the dumb acronym game. Reiner's headline nicely sums up D4's tongue-in-cheek murder mystery, while mine does the same within Access Games' superfluous confines. I'm not really sure how the "Dammit" affects the tone of the sentence – in truth, I muttered it to myself because I couldn't come up with another word that starts with "D," which simultaneously solved the problem. Hell, it's still better than "Dark Dreams Don't Die."

Coming Up Next: Things go (more) off the rails...

Boxboy
Actual Headline: Thinking With Boxes
Awesome Headline: "How To Make Graphics?"

Kyle's uncharacteristically clever headline takes Valve's "Thinking With Portals" slogan for its own acclaimed puzzle series, and substitutes in Boxboy's central gameplay mechanic. Boxes. My offering isn't so much a headline as it is what HAL Laboratory should type into Google the next time they start making a game. Pro tip, HAL: The quotes will ensure you get the results you're looking for, which you clearly need.

Alien: Isolation
Actual Headline: A Deadly Game Of Hide And Seek
Awesome Headline: Back To The Old Freezerinos

My original title encapsulates Alien: Isolation's core gameplay as well as the challenge it presents. However, that can't beat a good movie quote, and the original films are full of memorable lines that fans will love – like this classic quip that really has nothing to do with the game...Hmm, I guess there is that one sequence with the cryosleep tubes, but it still makes it sound like the game was bad. Dammit, why did I go with a Brett quote?

#IDARB
Actual Headline: It's Dangerous To Go Alone
Awesome Headline: #ARBYS

I have no idea why Kyle chose to crib a line from The Legend Of Zelda – it seems like he was trying to figure out an acronym for IDARB but gave up after the second letter. My headline is just as nonsensical, but even though it doesn't tell you what the game's about, at least it might get you some of that sweet Arby's traffic when you link to the review on Twitter.

Azure Striker Gunvolt
Actual Headline: Inti Creates Delivers On The Mega Man Formula Again
Awesome Headline: Purple Flapjack Shoeworm

Tim's mouthful of a headline lets Mega Man fans know that they'll find plenty to love in Gunvolt's hectic 2D action. My review reads like utter gibberish in comparison, because it is – if the developer can use a stupid made-up title for their game, then I can have a stupid made-up headline for a review.

Hand of Fate
Actual Headline: Defiant Deals A Winning Hand
Awesome Headline: Way Torgo, Defiant – You Da Manos!

Tack's headline for Defiant's intriguing action/card game mash-up plays off of the central deck-dealing mechanic nicely, but it needs more puns. My headline hinges entirely on knowing about the obscure cult film Manos: The Hands of Fate, but if you do, it's nonstop punnery that also conveys how fun the game is. But that's just the tip of the wordplay iceburg...

Coming Up Next: Taking puns to the extreme...

Pokémon Omega Ruby
Actual Headline: You Might Actually Catch Them All
Awesome Headline: Oh-My-Gaw...R-U-Buy-ing These Games Still?!

There's one final method for coming up with an awesome headline, and it involves cramming in as many puns as humanly possible. This lesson is completely lost on that dope Kyle – instead he plays off of Pokémon's classic slogan to say you'll have a hard time putting the game down. Unfortunately, his opinion is objectively wrong – my awesome headline chastises fans of the series (do they still exist?) while sounding exactly like the game's nonsensical subtitle. It's a masterpiece.

Sid Meier's Starships
Actual Headline: Snack Size Space Strategy
Awesome Headline: Starship Poopers
Can Do Better: Star-sh** Poopers
Went Too Far: Shart-sh** Poopers

These three examples demonstrate that with great puns comes great responsibility. Tack busted out some seriously impressive alliteration for his review headline of Sid Meier's latest game, intimating that the overly simple strategy elements are a disappointment. My first headline sums that up (albeit a little more crassly) with a Starship Troopers pun. The second headline doubles fun with a second poop pun, even if it does require a little censorship. The third headline, however, takes things one step too far. The original reference is lost in a smattering of fecal-themed obscenities – it just reads like I've lost my mind. Ultimately, it goes to show you that really can have too much of a good thing.

Assassin's Creed Unity
Actual Headline: Starting From Scratch
Awesome Headline: Ass-ass-in Crude Pew-nity

Never mind what I just said; I still got it!

Hearthstone: Goblins vs. Gnomes
Actual Headline: There's No Place Like Gnome
Awesome Headline: ???

Wait, what the hell? Are we doing punny headlines now? Who does Tack think he is? Me? Why am I writing every sentence in the form of a question? Has Tack's brilliant wordplay broken my mind? Come on, Jeff, pull it together!

Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric
Actual Headline: Bored Of The Rings
Awesome Headline: Sonic Boo – Ah Forget It

That's it, I quit – I'm never going to top Bored Of The Rings! Granted, I don't know why Tim is applying a Lord of the Rings pun to a Sonic game, but still...this is a lot less fun when other editors make punny headlines first.

For more awesome headlines, check out our previously Missed Review Headline Opportunities.