The lights are on
One brave GI editor tries to out-crazy Square Enix by coming
up with 11 ridiculous titles for the next Kingdom Hearts game.
Coming up with good names for video games is hard, and the Kingdom
Hearts folks over at Square Enix are clearly out of ideas. They added a
completely unnecessary colon to Kingdom Hearts Re:coded, threw a little
division into Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, and their latest release, Kingdom
Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance, pushes alliteration to the edge of insanity.
Even the mundane-sounding Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep doesn't make sense
when you stop and think about it.
By now fans have come to expect crazy gibberish titles for
new Kingdom Hearts games, which places a lot of pressure on Square to get the
name of Kingdom Hearts III right. Coming up with a title that's only semi-crazy
would be a major disappointment to gamers, and it would be a disaster if the name had some discernible
meaning. Square has already jumped the shark; now they
need to blast that sucker to the moon. Lucky for them, I'm here to lend a
I've come to the rescue of struggling companies before, providing
Namco Bandai with Better
Backstories for SoulCalibur V, and giving Nintendo a
professional analysis of its newest Pokémon. This time around I've painstakingly
crafted 11 title possibilities for the next Kingdom Hearts game. I'm not sure what
Square's process is for naming projects – I'm guessing they play Russian
roulette until an employee blurts out something halfway intelligible – but just
in case they have actual business meetings, I've also included the sales pitch
I would use to explain each project. You're welcome, Square.
Kingdom Hearts 9DThe Boardroom Pitch: How do you top Kingdom Hearts 3D? Simple: up the number of
Ds. I'm thinking you'll want the next Kingdom Hearts to be at least three times
better than the last game, hence 9D. Now, we've already got the X, Y, and Z
dimensions, and spacetime is considered by some eggheads to be the fourth
dimension. We've only got to come up with five more dimensions and we've got
ourselves a game. Get the Kingdom Hearts scientists on this immediately!
Kingdom Hearts: The Touching of ThoughtThe Boardroom Pitch: The Touching of Thought is
the perfect title for a Kingdom Hearts game, because it sounds like it should
mean something, but it totally doesn't. Gamers will ponder the significance of
the title all the way to the cash register. How can you touch a thought? Or is a
thought touching something else? Are my thoughts touching me right now? I
absolutely must pay $60 to find out.
Kingdom Hearts: Phantom SubscriptThe Boardroom Pitch: Another title that banks on creating a
sense of mystery for the consumer, Phantom Subscript sounds vaguely threatening,
unless you know what subscript is. But what are the odds a Kingdom Hearts fan
knows that much about typography? If Square really wants to blow peoples'
minds, they can write "Subscript" in
subscript. I smell a game of the year contender.
Kingdom Hearts: ¥ ¥ ¥The Boardroom Pitch: Now that's a title! While some stupid video game companies
frown upon titles that consumers can't pronounce, I'm guessing Square is progressive
enough to embrace using symbols in place of words. Besides, fans will just take
to calling it Kingdom Hearts: YenYenYen, which Japanophiles will absolutely
love. Heck, you could probably say it's an import and sell it at a premium
Kingdom Hearts III: Carrot Sock SurpriseThe Boardroom Pitch: Hey, what's that in your sock? A carrot. Surprise! ...do I
get my paycheck now?
Coming up next: More stupid Kingdom Hearts titles...
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.