Naming The Next Kingdom Hearts Game - Features - www.GameInformer.com
Switch Lights

The lights are on

What's Happening

Naming The Next Kingdom Hearts Game

One brave GI editor tries to out-crazy Square Enix by coming up with 11 ridiculous titles for the next Kingdom Hearts game.

Coming up with good names for video games is hard, and the Kingdom Hearts folks over at Square Enix are clearly out of ideas. They added a completely unnecessary colon to Kingdom Hearts Re:coded, threw a little division into Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, and their latest release, Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance, pushes alliteration to the edge of insanity. Even the mundane-sounding Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep doesn't make sense when you stop and think about it.

By now fans have come to expect crazy gibberish titles for new Kingdom Hearts games, which places a lot of pressure on Square to get the name of Kingdom Hearts III right. Coming up with a title that's only semi-crazy would be a major disappointment to gamers, and it would be a disaster if the name had some discernible meaning. Square has already jumped the shark; now they need to blast that sucker to the moon. Lucky for them, I'm here to lend a helping hand.

I've come to the rescue of struggling companies before, providing Namco Bandai with Better Backstories for SoulCalibur V, and giving Nintendo a professional analysis of its newest Pokémon. This time around I've painstakingly crafted 11 title possibilities for the next Kingdom Hearts game. I'm not sure what Square's process is for naming projects – I'm guessing they play Russian roulette until an employee blurts out something halfway intelligible – but just in case they have actual business meetings, I've also included the sales pitch I would use to explain each project. You're welcome, Square.

Kingdom Hearts 9D
The Boardroom Pitch: How do you top Kingdom Hearts 3D? Simple: up the number of Ds. I'm thinking you'll want the next Kingdom Hearts to be at least three times better than the last game, hence 9D. Now, we've already got the X, Y, and Z dimensions, and spacetime is considered by some eggheads to be the fourth dimension. We've only got to come up with five more dimensions and we've got ourselves a game. Get the Kingdom Hearts scientists on this immediately!

Kingdom Hearts: The Touching of Thought
The Boardroom Pitch: The Touching of Thought is the perfect title for a Kingdom Hearts game, because it sounds like it should mean something, but it totally doesn't. Gamers will ponder the significance of the title all the way to the cash register. How can you touch a thought? Or is a thought touching something else? Are my thoughts touching me right now? I absolutely must pay $60 to find out.

Kingdom Hearts: Phantom Subscript
The Boardroom Pitch: Another title that banks on creating a sense of mystery for the consumer, Phantom Subscript sounds vaguely threatening, unless you know what subscript is. But what are the odds a Kingdom Hearts fan knows that much about typography? If Square really wants to blow peoples' minds, they can write "Subscript" in subscript. I smell a game of the year contender.

Kingdom Hearts: ¥ ¥ ¥
The Boardroom Pitch: Now that's a title! While some stupid video game companies frown upon titles that consumers can't pronounce, I'm guessing Square is progressive enough to embrace using symbols in place of words. Besides, fans will just take to calling it Kingdom Hearts: YenYenYen, which Japanophiles will absolutely love. Heck, you could probably say it's an import and sell it at a premium price!

Kingdom Hearts III: Carrot Sock Surprise
The Boardroom Pitch: Hey, what's that in your sock? A carrot. Surprise! ...do I get my paycheck now?

Coming up next: More stupid Kingdom Hearts titles...

Email the author , or follow on , , and .

comments
    1 2 3 4 5 Next ... Last