Missed Review Headline Opportunities

The hardest part of writing an article is always coming up with a good headline. This is especially true for reviews, and while the GI crew tries its best to come up with some clever headlines, there's always room for improvement. Join me as I take a look back at some recent review headlines and make them a bit more awesome.

I'm no stranger to coming up with great titles. I provided Square Enix with plenty of options for the next Kingdom Hearts, and I also took it upon myself to name the next Disgaea for Nippon Ichi. Coming up with some amazing review headlines should be a cinch, so let's get started.

DuckTales: Remastered
Actual Headline: A Duck Blur Of Nostalgia And Fun
Awesome Headline: OoohOOOHoooh! It's Good!

I actually suggested this headline to Tim, but he decided to go with a subtler callback to the theme song, using the phrase "Duck Blur" instead. Banking on the player's nostalgia of the cartoon is definitely the right call, but what's more memorable than the chorus line? Besides, even if they don't remember it, the "It's Good!" at the end tells you all you need to know.

Gone Home
Actual Headline: A Home Can Hold More Than You Think
Awesome Headline: You Best Gone Home And Play This Game NOW

Kim's headline for Gone Home is a smart reference to the secrets and memories that you uncover while playing the game. The only problem? It's a little too smart. How am I supposed to know she's not talking about how many physical items you can literally shove in a house? My headline cuts out the ambiguity, telling you exactly what you should do – you don't even have to use your brain!

Halo: Spartan Assault
Actual Headline: Small Scale Halo
Awesome Headline: This Is Sparta!!!!n Assault

Kyle's headline does a pretty good job of conveying that Spartan Assault delivers all the enjoyment of normal Halo game in a smaller downloadable title. But is that really better than making a reference to an already overused line from the seven-year-old film 300? I'll let you be the judge...

The Last Of Us
Actual Headline: Naughty Dog's Grim Masterpiece
Awesome Headline: A Blast Of YES!!!

Matt's review headline for The Last of Us tells you that acclaimed developer Naughty Dog has another hit on its hands, one with a darker tone than its previous work. However, it doesn't kind-of rhyme with the title of the game. "A Blast of YES!!!" captures the visceral enjoyment you'll get from playing the game – and the words sound like the words in the title. Genius!

Beyond: Two Souls
Actual Headline: A Flawed Epic
Awesome Headline: Be-yawned: Too Bad

Matt chose another succinct headline for Beyond, this time capturing the sense of disappointment and failed potential of Quantic Dream's latest adventure. My headline aims to do the same – only it's punny. Be-yawned: Too Bad was actually a joint effort between Tim, Ben Hanson, and I, so Matt shouldn't feel too bad for not coming up with something quite as awesome all by himself.

Coming Up Next: Tons and tons of puns...

Infinity Blade III
Actual Headline: Chair Takes One Final Swipe
Awesome Headline: Unfunity Blade

Bryan's headline references Infinity Blade's main gameplay mechanic, as well as the fact that it's Chair's last entry in the series. The combination of those elements is great, but not quite as great as a pun. Granted, Infinity Blade III received a high score and is actually a lot of fun – but you can't let the truth stand in the way of a brilliant, punny headline.

Crysis 3
Actual Headline: Evolutionary Gameplay, Revolutionary Graphics
Awesome Headline: Don't Cry, Sis: The Game Is Fun!

Bertz's headline is a clever word play that describes how Crytek made incremental improvements to the Crysis series' gameplay, and major improvements to its visuals. Mine uses the name of the game in a different context, while telling you the game is fun – literally. Manipulating the name of the game is an excellent technique for coming up with awesome headlines, as the other entries below demonstrate.

Do Not Fall
Actual Headline: An Exercise In Frustration
Awesome Headline: Do Not Fall For Buying This Game

What a huge opportunity Dan missed on this one! The name of the game is "Do Not Fall," for crying out loud. It's the perfect setup for a clever quip instructing the reader not to play the game.

Towerfall
Actual Headline: Insanely Fun Multiplayer Madness
Awesome Headline: Do (Tower)Fall For Buying This Game

Once again, Dan screws up a golden opportunity. Granted, it took a little more creativity to use "fall" in a positive context, but I am the master at coming up with awesome headlines, after all.

Titanfall
Actual Headline: The Drama Of Competition
Awesome Headline: Can't Help Titanfalling In Love

Am I the only one who understands how review headlines work?!

Coming Up Next: Time for a more subtle approach...

The Wonderful 101
Actual Headline: Superheroes Don't Always Save The Day
Awesome Headline: 101 Damnations

Joe's headline is a great example of why he's our reviews editor. It plays off of the nature of superheroes, while alluding to the game's shortcomings. Tim offered up this alternative gem, which plays off the number in the game's title to allude to...an old Disney movie about dogs. Still, it's pretty good!

Lost Planet 3
Actual Headline: Banish This Franchise To The Outer Reaches Of Space
Awesome Headline: If Found, Please Return To NO ONE

Both Bryan and I took a humorous approach to describing how bad Lost Planet 3 is. Bryan's headline plays off Lost Planet's sci-fi theme, whereas I went with a "lost and found" joke. Putting "NO ONE" in all caps emphasizes the game's crappiness, while the "please" is there to be polite. Why? Because that's how I was raised, you jerkwad.

The Stanley Parable
Actual Headline: A Pleasing Web Of Possibilities
Awesome Headline: A Math Equation For Fun

"A Math Equation For Fun" seemed like a great headline for The Stanley Parable, until I realized I was confusing the word "parable" with "parabola." Also, I wasn't completely sure what a parabola was, but I figured it had at least something to do with mathematics. All in all it was a terrible failure, so I went with a headline that conveys the complex network of branching narrative paths the game features. I just wish the game would have been bad, so I could have titled my review "The Stanley Terrible."

Medal Of Honor: Warfighter
Actual Headline: A Medal Of Awful
Awesome Headline: What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing – Don't Play It Again Ya'll!

I'm a big fan of Bertz's punny headline, which sums up the disappointing quality of Danger Close's latest entry in the Medal of Honor series. I didn't think I could top it, so I instead chose to focus on the "Warfighter" subtitle with a super timely Edwin Starr reference.

Deadpool
Actual Headline: Slayed By The Merc With A Mouth
Awesome Headline: You Won't Want To Lay Dead In A Pool Of Your Own Blood, But The Game Isn't That Great

Hoo boy; I kind of overreached on this one. I probably could've salvaged something if the game had been terrible, but conveying mediocrity is a tricky thing. You win this round, Reiner.

Coming Up Next: Things go off the rails...

The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct
Actual Headline: Worse Than A Zombie Bite
Awesome Headline: The Walking Dud: Survival Instinks

Reiner's headline for Terminal Reality's Walking Dead game taps zombie lore to tell you all you need to know about how bad Survival Instinct turned out. So does my headline – only I worked not one but two hilarious puns into the title. Round two clearly goes to me.

Star Trek
Actual Headline: Namco Bandai Sets Phasers To Failure
Awesome Headline: Bum Me Up, Shoddy!

The Star Trek series is full of opportunities for headlines based on clever wordplay, but I believe I've taken the superior approach. Ben Reeves makes a reference to Star Trek's iconic phasers to sum up Namco Bandai's botched shooter. Once again I've managed to come up with two puns that intimate the quality of game, and work them into a classic line from the series to boot! This is my Citizen Kane of review headlines.

Diablo III
Actual Headline: Blizzard's Return To Consoles Is A Smashing Success
Awesome Headline: This Game Sure Doesn't Dia-blow On Consoles
Awesomer Headline: This Game Dia-blows (III) Away The Competition
Awesomest Headline: A Diabloically Good Time

...Man, I really blew some amazing opportunities there.

Alice: Madness Returns
Actual Headline: A Shaky Trip Back Down The Rabbit Hole
Awesome Headline: A Shaky Trip Back Down The Rabbit's Hole

This is a perfect example of how a single letter can completely change the meaning of a sentence. Tim's headline plays on a classic component of Alice in Wonderland, while adding enough context to surmise his opinion of the game. My alternative headline doesn't make a lot of sense for a review, but it's a hell of a lot funnier.

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Dual Destinies
Actual Headline: Phoenix Wright Fights To Stay Alive In The Courtroom
Awesome Headline: A Bear In A Bathtub Wearing A Shower Cap?

Confession: I was trying some dumb brainstorming technique for this one that's based on random word association, but it got away from me. I knew I should have just gone with a stupid Dewey Decimal System joke like Tim suggested...

Got your own awesome review headline? Share it in the comments section below!