Spoilers For Stupid People: 2014 Edition
Nowadays, you have to be proactive if you want to avoid spoilers for an anticipated movie, television episode, or video game. However, there is such a thing as being too proactive, which can easily spill over into full-blown spoiler paranoia. If you're the kind of person who covers their ears and runs screaming from the room at the mere mention of a game or show you're interested in, please join us as we mock your hypersensitivity in another edition of Spoilers for Stupid People.
Call of Duty: Advanced
Spoiler: America Is Still #1!
I haven't played a single minute of Sledgehammer Games' futuristic take on Call of Duty, and the only thing I know about the narrative is that your character is the illegitimate love child of Rambo and the Terminator (at least he will be if Sledgehammer's writers know what they're doing). Despite my brazen ignorance, I'm still fairly certain I know every plot point of Advanced Warfare, and will spoil it for you now: Evil terrorists have attacked the world because they hate freedom, and it's up to a ragtag group of surviving American soldiers to settle the score by using impractical but totally awesome mech suits. However, saving the day will require the sacrifice of one of your fellow soldiers (most likely while riding in a helicopter), casting a somber light on your victory – until the wacky rap song plays during the credits. Also, Kevin Spacey will play an even smarmier jerk than he usually does.
Spoiler: The Alien Wins
The Creative Assembly's upcoming survival-horror game pits Ellen Ripley's daughter against a single xenomorph in a deadly game of cat and mouse. However, there's no way the mouse can possibly win; Alien: Isolation falls in between the original Alien and Aliens, which means you're totally screwed. Thanks to James Cameron's action-infused sequel, we know there are still aliens around after the events of the game, so you clearly aren't stopping the xenomorph threat. After all, no one ever stops the alien; Sigourney Weaver tried for like four movies in a row and couldn't do it, and she's a total badass – we doubt her mystery daughter is going to fare any better.
Spoiler: You're Going To Get A Magic Ring
So far, Monolith has played down many of the fantasy elements of Shadow of Mordor's source material; most of the trailers and gameplay videos have instead focused on slicing, stabbing, and decapitating the crap out of orcs. However, Shadow of Mordor is still based on The Lord of the Rings, which – as the name implies – is a fantasy series about of a bunch of magic rings. There's no way those things aren't showing up; expect to run across at least a couple of awesome-sounding rings, which will end up being major disappointments when you equip them and find out that they only offer mediocre buffs to your character.
Halo: The Master
Spoiler: You Still Suck At Multiplayer
The Master Chief Collection brings all of the numbered Halo installments to the new generation. However, even with 1080p graphics running at a rock-solid 60 frames per second and the increased precision of the Xbox One controller, you're still going to get walloped by a bunch of racist 12-year-olds in Halo's multiplayer. But hey, at least you'll be able to marvel at how great Master Chief's shiny armor looks as your prepubescent opponents repeatedly crouch on your corpse's face.
Far Cry 4
Spoiler: PETA Is Going To Hate This Game
As anyone who has excelled at Far Cry 3 knows, the most dangerous enemies in Ubisoft Montreal's open-world action games tend to walk on four legs (except for those damned cassowaries). Far Cry 4 ups nature's fury with rhinos and elephants, but don't expect to ride a massive beast into war without a tongue lashing from PETA. The organization's crusade for the ethical treatment of animals doesn't stop at real life – they've also complained about Nintendo's virtual pocket monsters, Mario's Tanooki suit, and characters made of sentient meat. Wait, aren't we all just sentient meat? Either way, don't be surprised if PETA tries to rain on your parade through Kyrat with a crudely made minigame about how elephants are nature's gentle giants.
Coming Up Next: More terrible spoilers to torment your dimwitted friends with...
Spoiler: You'll Want To Play Assassin's Creed Unity Instead
Assassin's Creed fans have not one but two epic new adventures to take on this November, but not all assassins are created equal. Diehard fans will want to experience Rogue for its alternate take on the Templars and additional insight into their motives – but the whole time you'll really be wondering why you aren't playing the awesome new-gen exclusive that features new free-running mechanics, combat, and a massive open-world Paris. But hey, getting your boat stuck in the ice should be cool too.
Crimes and Punishments
Spoiler: The Butler Did It
I haven't seen anything about the newest Sherlock Holmes game, so this one is a complete guess. But really, isn't it always the butler? Those snooty jerks are always killing people off over longstanding grudges or gambling debts or shameful secrets that they're willing to protect at all costs. Look, I'm not saying that every butler is a murderer, but if you have homicidal tendencies, chances are you find yourself unnaturally drawn to the housekeeping industry. The real mystery is why all these rich people keep on hiring coldblooded killers to take care of their mansions. They're just setting themselves up to be murdered during their own luxurious dinner party. What's wrong with them? Solve that one, Sherlock.
Slender: The Arrival
Spoiler: HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!
We're just a few days away from the console release of Slender: The Arrival, which means a whole new audience will have a chance to explore the horrors waiting in Oakside Park. If you haven't played it, here's everything you need to know: That creepy slender guy is right behind you. Like, all the time. Save yourself some sanity and just don't turn around – ever! I stopped looking behind me in both the game and real life, and so far nothing bad has happened to me...well, except for when I ran over Tim Turi while backing out of Game Informer's parking lot – though technically, I guess that's a bad thing that happened to Tim.
Spoiler: Your Levels Are Going To Suck
Sony is prepping another LittleBigPlanet adventure for this November, and even though it's not coming from Media Molecule, it should still offer a ton of creative options for players who are passionate about creating their own content. Unfortunately, you're not one of them, and LittleBigPlanet 3 is only going to reinforce the fact that you don't have the talent or patience to make your own levels. Instead, you'll choose the biggest level size available in the editor, create one dumb animated thing in the corner for Sackboy to jump on, then give up and download a bunch of pixel art that other, more artistic players have created.
Super Smash Bros.
Spoiler: Nintendo Is Out Of Ideas
Next week marks the release of the latest entry in Nintendo's frantic Smash Bros. fighting series. However, even if you haven't been following the constant roster reveals, you're probably already aware of the most obvious spoiler on this list: Nintendo has completely run out of interesting characters to include in the game. With indefensible duds like your Miis, the Animal Crossing villager, and the Wii Fitness lady filling out the roster, it's clear that Nintendo just doesn't care anymore. Another dead giveaway? We still don't even have a Wii U release date. Come on, Nintendo! That's one piece of information we wouldn't mind having spoiled for us.
For more obvious revelations, check out our previous list of Spoilers for Stupid People.