How To Run Your Civilization V City Into The Ground: A Timeline

I'm a gamer that can find something to enjoy in any genre, almost without exception. Despite my interest in virtually every kind of console game you can imagine, there's one area of gaming history where my experience isn't quite as extensive - PC gaming. Growing up, I never had a computer that could run the latest games, so I was stuck playing classics like Half Life or Starcraft years after they were released. Because of this lack of PC game experience, I'm not very well-versed in the realm of strategy gaming. I absolutely love the Command & Conquer games, but my introduction to the series was with a PSX controller that was obviously inferior to the PC alternative. As you can imagine, I went into my first game of Civilization V thoroughly unprepared.

Sid Meier's newest entry in the iconic series is obviously a great game...I'm just terrible at it. During my two hours with the title, I went on a rant about my experience on my Twitter page. I've never written a strategy guide before, but as I looked over my tweets I realized they were a pretty good timeline of what not to do. Here's how it all went down. Make sure you don't do any of this.

8:57 - Starting Civilization V. Struggling to think of a better name for my civilization than Bonertropolis.

9:06 - Ok...wow. There are seriously like 800 tutorial things I have to go through to learn how to play this game.

9:14 - I don't know what Animal Husbandry is, but I don't think I want any of that going on in Bonertropolis.

9:28 - "Harun al-Rashid of Arabia wants to write you a poem." That all-caps DECLARE WAR button is mighty tempting (I don't know how to play this game).

9:33 - These Japanese ****** don't want to declare war on Arabia with me? **** 'em. DECLARE WAR BUTTON.

9:34 - Oh good, they promised to deliver a "maelstrom of death" upon me. I'm gonna fail this game in record time.

9:35 - Napoleon is getting mad at me for insisting we go to war together against Arabia and Japan. DECLARE WAR ON NAPOLEON BUTTON.

9:38 - Why the **** would I want to research math? I want catapults and jetpack troops, not multiplication tables.

9:48 - I've declared war against every civilization I've stumbled upon, and all they've done is offer me money to stop being a ****. This is great.

At this point, I was actually convinced my strategy was working. I was just throwing my weight around back in the Stone Age or whatever and everything seemed to be working out fine. It turns out you're supposed to be researching things, thinking strategically, forming alliances, and practicing diplomacy. I was doing it wrong.

9:52 - Hmm...I can research Trapping now. If this allows me to put a croissant under a tilted box and trap Napoleon when he goes for it, I'm sold.

9:52 - It keeps wanting me to research math. Sorry Sid, but that just isn't in the cards.

9:56 - I'm storming Kyoto with two dudes armed with sticks. This town is gonna ****in' burn.

9:57 - I have absolutely no idea how to build a farm or pasture, and I have no intention of learning. Onward!

9:57 - When do I get Tesla coils?

10:00 - It seems that Kyoto has constructed some kind of red laser wall to keep my stick-men out of the city. I'm retreating out of sheer confusion.

10:02 - I'm assuming the only way to win this game is Command & Conquer style. Destroy every enemy unit and hope they don't find a hidden crate.

10:04 - Try to tell me that Kyoto isn't *****ing their pants right now.

10:05 - So I've been told that I should research math to get to catapults/cannons/tanks. Can't I just funnel all my XP or whatever into Hubris?

10:06 - And now Catherine the Great is paying up. Oh man, I feel like the Avon Barksdale of 2480 B.C.

10:12 - If Copenhagen has a problem with me marching my stick-men through their city, they're about to get their ****ing heads caved in.

10:18 - I've been told that my city "demands incense." **** that, I'm not gonna have a bunch of Bob Marley and 311 posters all over Bonertropolis.

10:29 - Oh, so NOW Catherine wants to ally with me against that Arabian *****. NOPE, she had her chance. Once I research nukes, the Kremlin is gone.

10:31 - Nobunaga is talking to me because he seems concerned about the 9,000 troops surrounding his borders. I promised everything's cool (it's not)

10:35 - Did Dublin just offer me whales to help them fight off the Barbarians?

10:36 - So if I ally with Dublin, do I get Whale Bombs? If I keep researching Whale Bombs will I eventually get Tesla Whales? Because I really want those.

10:44 - I've avoided researching mathematics this long, but now my girlfriend is interrupting me to scan math notes. I better not come back to find Kyoto teabagging me.

10:51 - Alright, back in the saddle. Now how do I pull the trigger on this?

10:54 - I couldn't have possibly checked this box any faster.

10:57 - It turns out that the Japanese learned how to make sticks sharp and shoot them out of bows. All of my men are dead.

11:00 - Every time an adviser tries to tell me that I'm being an idiot, I'm basically just covering my ears and screaming "LALALALALA"

11:01 - I can build a Colossus now! This IS like an X-Man Colossus, right? I'm gonna beat the **** out of Japan with this dude.

11:03 - Ummm...I think EVERY nation on the planet has made a pact to kill me at this point. They're closing in on my cities.

11:03 - What the ****, Catherine?!?! WE HAD A DEAL. This is because I went to war with Arabia because their king wrote me a poem, isn't it?

11:16 - Everyone is closing in and I have no units...time to wave the white flag. But seriously, Bonertropolis made the Romans look like *******.

In the end, Bonertropolis had a long and storied 90+ minute empire. And I think I learned something about strategy gaming...I guess Civilization isn't meant to be played like Command & Conquer or Starcraft. Next time I might actually try diplomacy, resource management, and civilized discussion with neighboring countries. Just as long as I don't have to research mathematics.