Assassin's Creed Fashion Watch
With two new Assassin's Creed titles (Unity and Rogue) out this week, the shadowy brotherhood's ranks continue to grow. But do these lethal freedom fighters still have what it takes to protect humanity from the mind-controlling Templars? Join us as we rate every main assassin from the series based on the only criteria that truly matters: their wardrobes.
Fashion advice might seem to fall outside the skill set of someone who writes about video games for a living, but I've got plenty of experience. I expertly analyzed the outlandish outfits of Devil May Cry's cast, and provided additional insightful commentary for the casts of The Witcher 2 and Soulcalibur V. Sizing up a handful of hooded assassins should be a cinch, so let's get started.
Analysis: Altair is responsible for setting the style of the entire Assassin order, and it's easy to see why. This getup screams – or whispers – understated elegance. The ornate decoration on his plated arm guard gives the outfit a bit of flair, as does his bronze girdle, which holds his adorable little throwing knives in addition to his gut. The iconic red sash provides a much-needed splash of color that says, "Stabbing Templars is serious business, but I know how to enjoy a night out on the town too." I also like how Altair incorporated his love of ornithology into his wardrobe with the beaked hood. Who says assassins can't have other hobbies?
Fashion Rating: The triangular nipple shield is a little weird, but otherwise Altair is the epitome of assassin fashion.
Name: Ezio Auditore da Firenze
Analysis: Leave it to an Italian to take something you love and make it twice as awesome. In addition to the second hidden blade, Ezio introduces a host of improvements to Altair's outfit. First, he opens up the collar to show off a little man cleavage, and then he throws in a leather spaulder and cape over his left shoulder to make the outfit his own. The extended shin guards are a practical addition for anyone who spends the majority of their day leaping across rooftops – nothing's more embarrassing than accidentally rolling off a building while clutching your banged-up legs after a miscalculated jump. The real pièce de résistance, however, is the ornate Assassin insignia belt buckle – it won't help Ezio blend into a crowd, but it sure looks cool.
Fashion Rating: Assassin diva and lovin' it.
Analysis: And here's where the series' fashion starts to go off the rails. Connor takes every aspect of the assassin's wardrobe one step too far. First of all, how many buttons do you need? It must take forever to put that jacket on. Secondly, while I dig the addition of the bow and quiver to the getup, incorporating the Assassin insignia into his tomahawk is just tacky – like something you'd pick up at that the Assassin Brotherhood gift shop. Also, what's with the leggings? They're just animal pelts that have been crudely tied around his legs. Apparently, he spent so much time on the rest of his attire that he had to throw his pants together at the last minute. How embarrassing.
Fashion Rating: Finish your pants, Connor.
Name: Aveline de Grandpa Grandpré
Analysis: Say what? The series' first female assassin sports a completely different look from previous protagonists, but somehow it works. Aveline's sleek leather ensemble looks like it's easier to move around in – which, come to think of it, should probably be more of a priority for stealthy assassins than it has been in previous installments. I don't approve of replacing the iconic hood with a tricorne colonial hat, but the matching orange scarf and sash are a nice touch, and the studded kneepads make it clear Aveline means business. She's not the best-dressed assassin, but she's certainly not the worst either.
Fashion Rating: Hats off to Aveline! (No, literally: Take that stupid hat off.)
Coming Up Next: Four more assassins who need to take a good long look in the mirror...
Analysis: Hoo boy. Can you say overkill? Or in Kenway's case, overcompensation – he carries around four pistols and two swords, for crying out loud. I get that he's a pirate and thus takes more of a pirate-y approach to things, but a good assassin could kill a fleet of imperials with a dull spork. With so much needless weaponry strapped to every inch of his body, it's only a matter of time until Kenway accidentally shoots or impales himself. Also, is he wearing a skirt?!
Fashion Rating: Taking the phrase "if looks could kill" a little too seriously
Analysis: Buttons and buckles and laces, oh my! I've never seen a character with more pointless fasteners on their body – those straps aren't even attached to anything! Maybe Adewale doesn't have an abdomen and all those belts are actually keeping his guts from spilling out. That's the only explanation I can come up with anyway, but regardless, I can't see how Adewale can do anything more than waddle like a penguin in that getup.
Fashion Rating: Putting the double-ass in "assassin."
Name: Shay Patrick Cormac
Analysis: Remember five seconds ago when I said, "I've never seen a character with more pointless fasteners on their body..." Enter Shay "Turncoat" Cormac. Granted, Cormac is more Templar than Assassin, but switching teams certainly hasn't improved his fashion sense. Cormac's big addition to the increasingly bloated assassin uniform is to take all the needless buttons and belts of Adewale's wardrobe and crisscross them as much as possible. The only way he's getting out of this mess at the end of the day is if he lights himself on fire – which would probably be an improvement to his outfit anyway. Aren't Templars supposed to be the smart ones?
Fashion Rating: Better off burning.
Name: Arno Victor Dorian
Analysis: Low expectations are a helluva thing, aren't they? After a couple of seriously overdesigned assassins, Arno looks downright respectable. Sure, the knee-high crimson leggings are more Flash Dance than Assassin's Creed, and it appears Arno is wearing Capri pants, but the rest of his ensemble doesn't overdo it. Arno's got one belt to holster his one sword, and his crossbow favors function over needless flair. The shirt-scarf-shirt-vest-jacket combination is a little much, but at this point we're lucky Arno's not wading into battle in a ball gown.
Fashion Rating: A shining example of "good enough."
FASHION WATCH BONUS ENTRY:
Analysis: Ahh, what the hell is that?! Kill it with fire!!!
Fashion Rating: Never sleeping again.
Which assassin do you think has the best fashion sense? Share your pick in the comments section below.