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The Top 10 Top 10 Lists I Never Got Around To Finishing, 2014 Edition

by Jeff Cork on Oct 09, 2014 at 11:33 AM

I’m taking a few weeks off from work, because if you don’t use your vacation time you are a tremendous sucker. In an effort to make myself look like a hero, I took on a bunch of assignments in the office shortly before leaving. Unfortunately, I may have bitten off more than I could comfortably chew. Rather than leave everyone completely high and dry, I’m leaving them high and dry AFTER posting this compilation of the amazing Top 10 lists I had in the hopper. Sorry/you’re welcome!

This has become something of a habit for me. I promise that it probably won’t happen again. I’ve bought a book on time management that I have every intention of getting around to reading. But enough about that! Here are 10 incomplete ideas that I’m sharing with you.

Top 10 Games Where An Unseen Audience Enthusiastically Cheers Out Names

When a crowd screams your name in unison, it pumps you up. At least, I’m assuming it does. The only time I ever heard someone shout “Jeff!” was when I was five and wandered away from my mom in the produce department. Thanks to the magic of video games, however, I’m able to hear my proxies soak up the adoration of their fans. OK, technically the crowd in Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor is cheering for the Uruk who is hell-bent on killing you, and the only person who cheers on your character is a dead elf. But you will hear “Ness!” in Smash after you pick the best character (Ness!) and beat the snot out of everyone else. Kyle and I thought this idea was pure gold, but we stalled out after these two entries. And the idea of posting a Top 2 list is ridiculous.

Top 10 Things I Wouldn’t Want To Smell In Gaming

True story: Whenever I’m making fun of sites for doing lame things like posting lame Top 10 lists, I counter with the idea that we should do a Top 10 Farts In Games list. People in the office used to laugh, but I said it too many times and now everyone just looks down or at a wall. Fortunately, we have a new guy in the office and I can try it out on him. Anyway, the reason I never actually tackled this list was because it’s super crass and lowbrow and I don’t like to resort to toilet humor. As an alternative, I came up with this idea, which included that pile of *** from Conkers Bad Fur Day and Abe’s farts from Abe’s Oddysee. I’ll get back to it someday, so please forget that you read this.

Top 10 Blue Mascots

Everybody does a Top 10 Mascots list at some point in their games-writing career. It’s practically mandatory! I added a fresh new angle on this timeless idea by introducing this question: What about the blue ones? With that in mind, I did a Google search and I was on my way. The results? Sonic the Hedgehog (SURPRISE!) and the L.A. Breakers’ mascot from Double Dribble on NES. Then I started looking at some other stuff on Google and the rest is history.

Top 10 NeoGAF Threads That Made It Two Pages Without Anyone Bringing Up Spec Ops: The Line

NeoGAF’s forums are a fantastic place to read about video games. In particular, it’s a fantastic place to read about the 2012 FPS Spec Ops: The Line. It struck a nerve with posters over there, to the point where its evangelical following manages to slip in references to it (and its take on games and morality) regardless of how germane it is to the discussion at hand. That said, I did find a couple of posts that didn’t include any mentions of white phosphorus, the ethics of war, or ludonarrative dissonance: a post about the release date of the Wii U version of Super Smash Bros. and one about Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare or whatever.

Top 10 Hilarious Moments From Street Fighter II Endings

I used to play a lot of Street Fighter II when it was in arcades. I’m an old person. It was a great game for two reasons: the endings, and it was fun. It could be tricky to see the endings, because lame-os would always want to fight head-to-head (remember: it was fun). I eventually saw them all, and two stuck out. First, Ken’s. When his girlfriend, Eliza, floated into view she drifted across the screen like a balloon. He says, “What are you doing here?” Thanks to the limited space available on the monitor, his disbelief was inadvertently amplified as he seemingly asked, “What are you?” Oh, how we laughed. And then there was Ryu. Punching waterfalls? What a dingus! What is he hoping to accomplish? Compared to the somber tone of Zangief's and Dhalsim’s endings, these were a hoot. I guess this idea was flawed from the beginning. Also, there were only eight playable characters.

Top 10 Fat Guys That Blow Up When They Die In Games

This idea hit me like a bolt of lightning while I was playing Diablo III: Hey, that fat guy blew up and he was filled with worms like Oogie Boogie it was super gross! Then I connected/cross-referenced it with a fat guy that blew up in the Genesis game Last Battle for some reason. Protip: If you can come up with two entries, you’ve got a Top 10 list. Then I went on YouTube and found the Last Battle guy and discovered that A.) He’s not fat, and B.) He doesn’t blow up. Instead, the green Hulk Hogan lookalike gets covered with boils (including on the surface of his pants and shirt?!) and disappears in a flash. I remember him blowing up and it was super gross, but that was a long time ago. Protip: Don’t get old.

Top 10 Press Triangles In Gaming

Triangles? Huge fan. Huge. Given the opportunity, I’ll press that button. That’s why I love it when games give me an excuse to jam on the ol’ three-sided polygon. Who could forget that moment in Heavy Rain, when Norman Jayden is trying to track down the Origami Killer and finds a car that could be linked to the crime and it’s owned by Jackson “Mad Jack” Neville and they start fighting and you have to – you guessed it – press triangle or get your head caved in with a pipe? I couldn’t! And, keeping with that automotive theme, what about PaRappa’s driving lesson where you have to press the best button to step on the brakes during the best song? It’s the best! I wrote down some other ideas but then Reiner asked what I was doing and I told him and he said that I was wasting everyone’s time and that I should go home and seriously think about what I wanted to do with my life. After doing so, I decided to maybe cool it on the triangle stuff.

Top 10 Games In Gaming

I thought this was a great idea and then I realized it was basically just a list of the Top 10 minigames. Even though I’m positive that nobody has ever tackled the concept before, I bailed on the idea when I realized it would just be a bunch of Mario Party games because they’re the best. All that remains of this scrapped idea are that one game from that one Assassin’s Creed game and the matching game from Super Mario Bros. 3’s little weirdo, Toad.

Top 10 NPCs From Open-World Games

Who’s this guy on the left? Did Watchmen’s disturbed vigilante Rorschach make an unannounced cameo in Grand Theft Auto III? That’s what I thought/hoped as I desperately scrubbed through YouTube footage of the game looking for anything remotely interesting. Why did I loudly volunteer to do this list? Why did I insist – over the loud protests of everyone else on staff – that there was enough hilarious fodder to sustain such a list? Hey! These spindly legged idiots from Odama are tops in my book, which has to count for something, right? I think everyone forgot about this list, and let’s try and keep it that way. Deal?

Top 10 Games Characters Who Don’t Look Anything Alike In Games

Kyle inspired me to do this by saying that I should do this. It’s a great idea, really. I mean, seriously! The ghost from Pac-Man on the Atari 2600 and Guitar Hero’s Axel might have a commonality in that they both have eyes, but that’s where the similarities end! I could do a Top 100 of these, but I really have to go now. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.