The Most Ridiculous Characters Of Tekken Tag Tournament 2
The developers at Namco Bandai have the greatest job in the world. Pretty much any crazy idea they have for a Tekken character gets the green light. Case in point: The next 11 characters. These guys and gals (and animals?!) have no place in a fighting game, and I'm more than willing to spend some time pointing out why. Want an idea of how bad it gets? The old guy named Wang didn't even make the list...
Fighting Style: Special
Important Info: Alisa is from a secret research facility run by the Mishima Zaibatsu corporation. It's located deep in an unnamed forest, where Alisa was being held in a capsule in the basement of the facility. The official Tekken website says everything else about Alisa is a mystery, which is writing code for "That's as far as we thought this character through."
Analysis: At first glance I thought Alisa was an angel, until I remembered there's an actual angel character in the series. Instead, Alisa is some kind of stupid fairy – only her wings are robotic. So she's a stupid robot fairy?
All of this begs the question: Why is a stupid robot fairy in a fighting game? I don't think even Namco Bandai knows the answer to that, which is why they listed her fighting style as "Special." I'm sure it's special, all right.
Fighting Style: Still Learning
Important Info: Combot was created by a company called Violet Systems. He's designed to perform a variety of duties, but he malfunctioned the first year he was enrolled in the King of Iron Fist tournament, so his fighting abilities apparently need an upgrade.
Analysis: I'll give props to Combot for his awesome name, but what the heck is with his appearance? He looks lamer than Asimo, for crying out loud. I think his head is literally made out of a bucket, and he can't even make a fist with his little circle hands. Plus, Namco lists his fighting style as "Still Learning?" How long does it take a robot to learn how to punch someone in the face?
Unless he's got some machine guns hidden up his butt like Astro Boy, I'm guessing Combot is doomed to fail like he did the first time he participated in the tournament.
Fighting Style: Christie Monteiro
Important Info: Apparently Christie joined the tournament in hopes of finding a way to save her dying grandfather. At first Eddy was also helping her, but then he disappeared. Then when she returned to her home country of Brazil, her grandfather disappeared from the hospital. So she joined another tournament. Naturally.
Analysis: I don't know why Christie thought joining (and inevitably losing) a fighting tournament would save her sick grandpa, but the fact that everyone in her life disappears tells us something about her. Mainly, that she's insufferable. They're not disappearing, Christie. They're running away.
Need more evidence that Christie Monteiro doesn't belong in a fighting game? Her fighting style is labeled "Christie Monteiro." What does that even mean?! Also, put some clothes on!
Fighting Style: Free Style Karate
Important Info: Bob is from America. Bob is also morbidly obese. That's pretty much all the thought Namco put into Bob – they didn't even give him a last name.
Analysis: I can only assume Namco designed Bob as some kind of social commentary on America; if that's the case, it's pretty funny. That doesn't justify his worth as a fighter, however. Given the fact that Ganryu already serves the role of Tekken's sumo wrestler, I don't see what Bob can possibly bring to the table – besides an appetite, of course. Unless he's figured out a way to make diabetes a contagious disease, I don't think he's a threat to Tekken's actual fighters.
Fighting Style: Heihachi Mishima
Important Info: Heihachi is the head of Mishima Zaibatsu, and one of the oldest and most respected fighters of the series. In recent years, Heihachi has also been running a secret research lab to come up with a cure for old age.
Analysis: I won't disrespect Heihachi's fighting prowess – if there's anyone who can pull off a self-named fighting style, it's him. But what the hell is up with his facial hair? Now that he's young again, his hair, eyebrows, and moustache all line up in a series of inverted Vs. Does he seriously think that looks cool? Apparently Heihachi's cure for old age couldn't turn back the clock on his dementia.
Coming up next: More ill-conceived characters...
Fighting Style: Street Fighting
Important Info: Lili joined the fifth King of Iron Fist tournament against her father's wishes, and after she lost in – I can only assume – spectacular fashion, to Asuka Kazama, her father banned her from leaving their home. In other words, she got grounded. I wonder if she lost her telephone privileges, too.
Analysis: I'm all for gender equality in fighting games, and fully acknowledge that Tekken's roster is full of capable female fighters, including Nina Williams and Xiaoyu. Lili, however, is not one of them. Her frilly white dress, pink scarf, and high-heeled boots don't exactly scream "King of Iron Fist." And we're supposed to believe Lili is proficient in street fighting? Give me a break.
Fighting Style: Heihachi Style Advanced Kuma Shin Ken
Important Info: He's a freaking bear.
Analysis: I think it's time that we all acknowledge the fact that Kuma is just a bear. Granted, bears are tough – especially ones wearing bad-ass handkerchiefs and ankle bracelets. Still, all you really need to defeat Kuma is give him a honey pot or a trout to eat. After all, he's a bear!
Fighting Style: Heihachi Style Advanced Kuma Shin Ken
Important Info: Oh brother.
Analysis: Forget every complaint I just lodged against Kuma; compared to Panda, Kuma is worthy of being the fighter featured on the cover of the game.
Pandas aren't nearly as dangerous as grizzly bears; their nutrient-deficient diets require them to spend pretty much every waking moment of their day eating bamboo. You don't even have to give him bamboo in order to distract and defeat him. You just have to make sure there's not any bamboo within his reach, and he'll fall asleep after a few minutes.
If that's not enough, Panda clearly isn't even taking fighting seriously – he's playing on a tire swing and wearing tacky bracelets, for crying out loud.
Fighting Style: Mokujin Ken
Important Info: Mokujin's info entry is so ludicrous I'm just going to copy it directly from the Tekken website: "Mokujin is a wooden training dummy made from a 2,000 year-old oak tree. Sensing a lurking evil, Mokujin has awakened again to save the world."
Analysis: First of all, I'm sick of everyone having a fighting style named after themselves. Not every fighter can be Bruce Lee, and even he came up with a martial artsy-sounding name for his own brand of ass kicking. You're telling me a training dummy has its own fighting style? Actually, a training dummy does have its own fighting style. It's called "Stand motionless and get the crap kicked out of you because you're a stupid training dummy."
I admire Mokujin's chutzpah for trying to take on an ancient evil all by himself, but he should stand aside and let a more qualified fighter take a shot. Like that tacky panda.
Fighting Style: Commando Wrestling
Important Info: Roger, Jr. is actually the baby kangaroo. His mother, whose marsupium he's hanging out of, isn't even named on the Tekken website. Probably because Namco couldn't come up with a feminine version of the name Roger. Rogeena?
Analysis: Why isn't this game just called Zoo Fighter already? In all seriousness, kangaroos are actually terrifying creatures. Their upper bodies are freakishly human looking, and they possess incredible strength and a penchant for violence. But no one is going to take you seriously if you've got a baby kangaroo sticking out of your pouch – especially when your baby is also wearing boxing gloves!
And how the hell is Roger Jr.'s fighting style not boxing? Kangaroos don't wrestle. They either box or they host children shows, and this one is wearing boxing gloves. In my book, that makes him a boxing kangaroo.
At the very least, Roger, Jr. has a terrible mother; who lets their baby enter a fighting tournament?!
Fighting Style: Pro Wrestling and Kung Fu
Important Info: ???
Analysis: Seriously, ???
Want to see more misguided fighting characters get their comeuppance? Check out our feature, Better Backstories For SoulCalibur V.