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Naming The Next Kingdom Hearts Game
One brave GI editor tries to out-crazy Square Enix by coming up with 11 ridiculous titles for the next Kingdom Hearts game.
Coming up with good names for video games is hard, and the Kingdom Hearts folks over at Square Enix are clearly out of ideas. They added a completely unnecessary colon to Kingdom Hearts Re:coded, threw a little division into Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, and their latest release, Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance, pushes alliteration to the edge of insanity. Even the mundane-sounding Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep doesn't make sense when you stop and think about it.
By now fans have come to expect crazy gibberish titles for new Kingdom Hearts games, which places a lot of pressure on Square to get the name of Kingdom Hearts III right. Coming up with a title that's only semi-crazy would be a major disappointment to gamers, and it would be a disaster if the name had some discernible meaning. Square has already jumped the shark; now they need to blast that sucker to the moon. Lucky for them, I'm here to lend a helping hand.
I've come to the rescue of struggling companies before, providing Namco Bandai with Better Backstories for SoulCalibur V, and giving Nintendo a professional analysis of its newest Pokémon. This time around I've painstakingly crafted 11 title possibilities for the next Kingdom Hearts game. I'm not sure what Square's process is for naming projects – I'm guessing they play Russian roulette until an employee blurts out something halfway intelligible – but just in case they have actual business meetings, I've also included the sales pitch I would use to explain each project. You're welcome, Square.
Kingdom Hearts 9D
The Boardroom Pitch: How do you top Kingdom Hearts 3D? Simple: up the number of
Ds. I'm thinking you'll want the next Kingdom Hearts to be at least three times
better than the last game, hence 9D. Now, we've already got the X, Y, and Z
dimensions, and spacetime is considered by some eggheads to be the fourth
dimension. We've only got to come up with five more dimensions and we've got
ourselves a game. Get the Kingdom Hearts scientists on this immediately!
Kingdom Hearts: The Touching of Thought
The Boardroom Pitch: The Touching of Thought is
the perfect title for a Kingdom Hearts game, because it sounds like it should
mean something, but it totally doesn't. Gamers will ponder the significance of
the title all the way to the cash register. How can you touch a thought? Or is a
thought touching something else? Are my thoughts touching me right now? I
absolutely must pay $60 to find out.
Kingdom Hearts: Phantom Subscript
The Boardroom Pitch: Another title that banks on creating a
sense of mystery for the consumer, Phantom Subscript sounds vaguely threatening,
unless you know what subscript is. But what are the odds a Kingdom Hearts fan
knows that much about typography? If Square really wants to blow peoples'
minds, they can write "Subscript" in
subscript. I smell a game of the year contender.
Kingdom Hearts: ¥ ¥ ¥
The Boardroom Pitch: Now that's a title! While some stupid video game companies
frown upon titles that consumers can't pronounce, I'm guessing Square is progressive
enough to embrace using symbols in place of words. Besides, fans will just take
to calling it Kingdom Hearts: YenYenYen, which Japanophiles will absolutely
love. Heck, you could probably say it's an import and sell it at a premium
price!
Kingdom Hearts III: Carrot Sock Surprise
The Boardroom Pitch: Hey, what's that in your sock? A carrot. Surprise! ...do I
get my paycheck now?
Coming up next: More stupid Kingdom Hearts titles...
Kingdom Hearts: Whale Heat Heaven
The Boardroom Pitch: I'll be honest; I thought
you'd stop reading after Carrot Sock Surprise. But since you're still here, I
guess I'd better justify calling a game Whale Heat Heaven.
First, everyone loves whales, and Disney has several whale characters in its animated library. Who could forget Spot, Ariel's pet orca, and that smarmy looking Willie the Whale (pictured above), who somehow sings opera on land even though the only thing real whales can do out of the water is die?
The rest of the title insinuates that things might get a little spicy – that's no accident. Based on current Internet trends, I'm predicting whale porn is going to become a big business in the next few years, which will help drum up extra sales for Whale Heat Heaven further down the road.
Kingdom Hearts: Forbidding Wang
The Boardroom Pitch: I realize Forbidding Wang sounds sensational, but it makes
more sense when you find out the game stars a character named Wang, who stops
you from doing anything fun. On second thought, this title makes way too much
sense. Let's forget it and move on.
Kingdom Hearts: Elephablanket!
The Boardroom Pitch: That's more like it. Kingdom Hearts: Elephablanket! achieves
the holy trinity of naming conventions: It's batsh-- crazy, it sounds like
something that's kid-friendly, and it opens up a wealth of merchandizing
options. I'm thinking blankets shaped like elephants. Or elephants shaped like
blankets. Wait, that's impossible. Go with the first idea.
Kingdom Hearts: Police Blade Sandwich
The Boardroom Pitch: I've got another confession to make; I
looked up a random word generator on the Internet, and these were the first
three entries it spit out. But take a moment and ask yourself this question: If
Square announced Kingdom Hearts: Police Blade Sandwich tomorrow, would you
really be surprised?
Kingdom Hearts III: The Great Disney
Clusterf---
The Boardroom Pitch: Let's face facts: Nobody is going to come up with a
crazier title than Dream Drop Distance. Therefore, I propose Square takes a new
approach: truth in advertising. That way anyone who buys Kingdom Hearts III:
The Great Disney Clusterf--- knows exactly what they're getting. I was
originally going to suggest Kingdom Hearts: Are We Done Yet?!, but figured
Disney might get sued by Colombia Pictures, which also took the honesty route
when naming its last Ice Cube comedy.
Kingdom Hearts: Donkey Farts
The Boardroom Pitch: "Hi, my name is Dan Ryckert, and I think you'll really
like my idea for the next Kingdom Hearts game."
Think you can come up with a nonsense title worthy of the Kingdom Hearts series? Share it in the comments section below.
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