If George Lucas Created Mass Effect 3
BioWare takes the extensive lore of its flagship sci-fi franchise very seriously, expanding its fiction across various games and mediums. However, the recent departure of Mass Effect lead writer Drew Karpyshyn is disconcerting for fans, as is the unrelated controversy surrounding the Mass Effect: Deception novel and its many errors.
While we have no doubt that Mac Walters and BioWare's talented writing staff will continue to do the series justice, we couldn't help but ponder what Mass Effect 3 would look like if the developer decided to shoot the moon and hire George Lucas to finish off the trilogy.
The first thing George will do is make some pretty drastic cast changes. For example, in the first two games Garrus was always portrayed as a calm-headed and loyal companion, willing to fight for justice regardless of whatever dangers may arise. In Mass Effect 3, Garrus' main attributes will now be a new speech impediment and his penchant for accidentally stepping in piles of poop.
Legion, the geth robot introduced in Mass Effect 2, will now be witty and British, and will always be accompanied by a robot companion (and possible lover – the jury's still out) who beeps and buzzes at all the right comedic moments.
Wrex will still basically be Wrex, but will speak with Yoda's goofy speech syntax.
"Your face I will crush if cross me you do."
Diplomacy In Action
The next thing George will want to change is the story. Forget about Shepard trying to prevent the Reapers from destroying Earth and wiping humanity from the galaxy. Mass Effect 3's new story will focus on the Reapers threatening mankind with a galaxy-wide trade embargo, due to the discriminatory hiring policies Cerberus employs under the leadership of the Illusive Man. It will be Shepard's mission to oversee the ensuing diplomatic talks. If you're lucky, you'll be able avoid the embargo and convince the council to repeal any outstanding intergalactic tariffs and sanctions. Brace yourself for the excitement!
In the first Mass Effect, many players pursued a romantic relationship between Shepard and Liara. In Mass Effect 3, George will reveal that Shepard and Liara are in fact brother and sister – now you know why she gave you the cold shoulder in ME 2.
If you manage to take enough space showers to wash away the guilt and shame (expect a QTE-based puking/sobbing minigame), you'll be free to pursue a new romantic partner. However, any and all love scenes in Mass Effect 3 will be limited to brief shots of closed-mouth kissing, followed by a slow pan to Shepard's window drapes billowing in the breeze. If you're confused as to why there's a breeze in space, you've already put more thought into it than George.
Considering the fact that Mass Effect 3 is the final installment in the trilogy, many gamers are hopeful they will finally get a glimpse of Tali's face. With George overseeing the sequel, Tali's unmasking will reveal that she's the species of alien seen in E.T., a cameo that will be too irresistible for him to pass up. Fans may pick up on the twist earlier in the game, however, based on the fact that Tali will now sport a greatly simplified vocabulary and glowing fingers.
"Well, that's one of my favorite childhood movies ruined forever."
Stay of Execution
One of the more intriguing aspects of Mass Effect is BioWare's willingness to kill off main characters at various points in the story, leaving players with the feeling that no one is ever truly safe. That's a little dark for George, so in Mass Effect 3, players will find out that any of the main characters that died under their watch didn't really die, but will instead return with shiny new robot hands. In the event that some characters absolutely can't be brought back from the dead, their spirits will hang around on the Normandy as glowing blue auras, happily dancing along to whatever music EDI is playing over the ship's PA system.
The Eternal Paragon
Another core aspect of Mass Effect is the ability to make Shepard a good or evil character based on your choices. But how can an evil character save humanity from
destruction trade embargos? That's not exactly
kid-friendly, so from now on George will insist all Renegade moments be tweaked
so Shepard will always be clearly justified before doing something bad.
Decide to throw another random alien out of a skyscraper? Don't worry; he was
actually a terrorist with a bomb strapped to his back! You saved the day again!
"Don't worry, he totally shot first."
Up Next: More ridiculous changes...
No More Nightmares
Mass Effect's iconic Husk enemies are organic corpses reanimated via cybernetic witchery. In other words, they're robo-zombies, and super creepy – entirely too creepy for George. After having a really bad nightmare, George will have them all replaced by stupid robots, who get comically flustered and bump into each other during shootouts, despite the fact that they're freaking robots.
Forget all of Mass Effect's different weapons – George is throwing them out. Who needs a massive arsenal when you've already created bad-ass laser swords?
As such, everyone in Mass Effect will now use light sabers...which actually wouldn't be the worst change in the world.
There's Always A Sequel
Despite the fact that the game could last dozens and dozens of hours, George Lucas will be shocked at the concept of making just one game. How can he be expected to tell a cohesive story with only one slow opening text crawl? That's why Mass Effect 3 will now be split into six separate games. Naturally, it will also be told out of order, with the last three games coming first, and the first three games being totally childish and disappointing.
Pan And Scan
Tired of all the changes? Good news (sort of): Mineral scanning will work exactly the same way as it did in Mass Effect 2, as we could see George really liking it for some ungodly reason.
We're Going To Need A Robo Hitler
Out of nowhere, George will insist that Joker yell, "Take that, Mister Hitler!" at least five times during space battles in the game, and that the line be used in every piece of Mass Effect 3 advertising. BioWare will contemplate pointing out the fact that Hitler isn't in Mass Effect 3, but will decide against it in fear that it will only make George want to add him to the game. George will also insist that his smiling face be included in every ad as his personal stamp of approval, which truth be told, is worse than the Hitler thing.
Now that's advertising.
The Force Be With You
Player choice is cool and all, but kids will be expecting something a little more fantastic from a George Lucas joint. From now on, any clutch moment in Mass Effect 3 will be solved by an all-encompassing, nebulous force, which will turn out to be something called midi-chlorians. After some extensive research aboard the Normandy, Mordin will discover that midi-chlorians are actually some kind of weird space STD. You didn't think sleeping around with all those aliens wouldn't have consequences, did you?
"Sure, Shepard, I'll put the Genophage cure on hold. Figuring out why it burns when you pee sounds much more important..."
Up Next: Things just get plain stupid...
If there's one thing George knows, it's how to shoehorn an unwanted song and dance routine into a movie. That's why in Mass Effect 3, the Afterlife dance club on space station Omega will only play music performed by Sy Snootles and her band from Jabba's palace. Surprisingly, it won't make Shepard's dancing any dorkier than it already is.
Since Mass Effect 3 will be an official George Lucas product, the legendary director will be required to give Harrison Ford a role in the game. As such, Ford will play a smuggler of ancient alien artifacts, who will become a permanent crew member. He'll accompany Shepard on every mission, yelling "Don't get cocky, kid!" every time you shoot an enemy. Also, anytime you loot a new piece of gear, he'll yell, "It belongs in a museum!"
This is another addition I would be surprisingly okay with.
A Universal Language
Prepare yourself for another massive change: George Lucas will remove all alien languages from the series due to his frustration over not being able to understand them. After all, how's he supposed to write dialogue for characters if he doesn't even know what the heck they're saying? Instead, all aliens in Mass Effect 3 will just speak English with slightly racist accents.
"Agitated and offensively bad Italian accent: What'sa mattah you, Shepard?"
If you've seen any of the new Star Wars films, you know that George has absolutely no attention span whatsoever. Therefore, all RPG elements in Mass Effect 3 will be completely removed from the game and replaced by a 15-minute training montage in a swamp, after which Shepard will be a master...of everything. Not having levels or upgradeable abilities to worry about will allow the player to better soak in the 10 billion CG effects happening on screen at any given time.
The one aspect of overseeing a Mass Effect game George may not be prepared for is the staggering amount of ancillary information that goes into every title. Not wanting to give up any control over his project, however, George will insist on writing and narrating all of Mass Effect 3's codex entries. Here's an example:
"So, this planet is called...uh...Planetropolis. It's a big city. Its native species is...uh... buildings. Yeah, buildings that live in bigger buildings! They're called buildudes. Or buildoods – that's how kids spell things, right? When does my dump truck of money show up?"
The real Mass Effect 3 hits stores on March 6. Be glad BioWare created it.