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Horror Movie Lessons: Vol. I

by Jeff Marchiafava on Oct 28, 2010 at 11:30 AM

In addition to playing a lot of video games, I also enjoy watching a bad horror movie from time to time. Thanks to Netflix's Watch Instantly feature, horror movie fans have no shortage of crappy films to test their patience. A lot of them end up being Troma-quality trash that insult the viewer with their laughable production values, but every now and then I come across a movie that's entertaining enough to watch to the end credits. Not only do they offer a fair amount of entertainment, but they supply important lessons for surviving perilous situations.

Want to live to a ripe old age? Read on for some invaluable tips that could one day save you from certain doom. Want to avoid spoilers for a handful of B-movies instead? Then you should probably stop reading now.

	Dark Rising: If you’re hanging out with your lesbian girlfriends in the woods at night, don’t try to commune with the spirit of a missing girl using that giant demonic-looking book you got from the creepy guy at the bookstore.
	Suspiria: If people start dying at your European ballet school and maggots inexplicably start raining down from the ceiling, move the f*** out.
	My Little Eye: Don’t join a reality television show you’ve never heard of, and definitely don’t detail your deepest and darkest fears in front of a video camera.
	Safety in Numbers: Also, if you’re doing a reunion special for a reality show on a remote island and someone poisons the drinking water with dead rats, it’s not a goof. They are trying to kill you, and you should probably leave the friggin’ island.
	Ghost Machine: When you and your friends use a top secret combat simulator to play wickedly realistic video games, don’t play them in an abandoned prison that’s haunted by the ghost of a tortured detainee. When you manage to escape the game without dying, but one of your acquaintances is still trapped in the program, don’t go back in to attempt a daring rescue – just unplug the d*mn thing and call it a day.
	Red Sands: This should go without saying, but if you ever find yourself on a military tour in Afghanistan, don’t shoot the faces off of any ancient statues inhabited by evil Djinn.
	Red Mist: First of all, the creepy guy who hangs around outside the women’s locker room mumbling to himself is never “harmless.” Secondly, when you and your friends accidentally put him into a coma by betraying his confidence and drugging him, under no circumstances should you try to revive him using an experimental drug linked to out of body experiences. I mean come on!
	Cyborg Cop: If you’re a drug kingpin and you kill the rogue cop that followed you all the way to South America, don’t turn him into a cybernetic hitman and assume he will follow through with orders to kill his own brother when he comes to rescue him.
	The Devil’s Curse: Don’t play with Ouija boards in an abandoned residence hall of a Catholic school where a group of students mysteriously died years earlier. Also, don’t study too hard.
	Redline: If you’re selling smuggled computer chips on the black market with Rutger Hauer, don’t double-cross Rutger Hauer. If you do double-cross Rutger Hauer, don’t just shoot him once and assume he’s dead – he’s not. Also, if you are Rutger Hauer, and you find yourself in the same room as a topless woman, she’s probably going to try to kill you.
	The House of the Devil: Never babysit for Tom Noonan.
	The Pit and the Pendulum: So, you broke into a church dungeon during the Spanish Inquisition to free your wife, and you managed to capture the sadistic Grand Inquisitor and are now holding him at knife point. When he says you and your wife can go free if you release him, DON’T BELIEVE HIM. He’s obviously lying, you idiot.
	Infected: When a rogue alien offers to whip you up a panacea that will prevent invading extraterrestrial forces from exterminating mankind, stay with him in his lab while he finishes it. Don’t just wander off looking for trouble with your ex-girlfriend for no d*mn reason whatsoever.
	Dead Tone: Remember that night when you and your childhood friends made a prank call during a sleepover that resulted in a psychopath showing up to the house and murdering all of your parents right in front of your eyes? Years later, when you attend a college party at a vacation home in the middle of nowhere, guess what you and your drunken friends should NOT do for entertainment?
	Maneater: I’m not sure about this one, since I fell asleep in the first 15 minutes. But I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you should probably stay away from any tigers big enough to be called ‘maneater’.

This concludes the first volume of Horror Movie Lessons. Feel free to share any tips you have learned from this educational film genre in the comments section below.