Splatoon Makes Me Feel Gross

I am not a tidy person. My desk area looks like something you’d see in an abandoned Fallout 3 office building. My neatly folded laundry is on the floor next to my bed because my dresser is an overfilled disaster. I haven’t unpacked my suitcase from the last cover-story trip. I can live with that kind of clutter. There’s one kind of mess I can’t tolerate, however. I’ll step over a pile of coats in the living room without giving a second thought, but the instant that I see something dripping, oozing, or splashing, it sets my teeth on edge . Because of that, I’m afraid I may have to pass on Splatoon.

I played Splatoon for the first time at last year’s E3, and I put on my best poker face, despite the fact that every moment with it gnawed at my soul. I had a job to do, after all. Nintendo came to our offices a few weeks ago, and I watched the Bens play for a while. I appreciated the inky mess from a purely technical perspective, and I also appreciated the fact that I could leave whenever I wanted. Then came today’s Nintendo Direct on Splatoon. I watched that, too, but it was under duress. Every splash, spray, and gush reinforced my stance that this game might be a hell of a great time, but it’s not for me.

I play a lot of games, which means I spend plenty of time shooting stuff. It also means that I routinely paint walls with blood and gore. That doesn’t bother me, because I’m almost always on the move; I don’t linger to take it all in. Splatoon hits a nerve with me because the whole game is about making a gooey mess of everything. Your job is to cover more of the map with your team’s color by hosing it all with ink. I’m not going to be overly dramatic by saying I find it problematic or that it’s likely to make me faint like a cartoon character, but I’ll probably steer clear of it.

I have a soft spot for several types of games. They’re not exactly genres, but they’re thematic elements that I’m drawn to. They include the following:

• Little guy in a big world
• Big guy in a little world
• Games where you help solve other peoples’ problems 
• Games where you clean up after other people

That’s why I loved Super Mario Sunshine. The F.L.U.D.D. didn’t click with a lot of players, but I loved using Mario’s backpack firehose to clean up graffiti and other crap on Isle Delfino. I had a great time with De Blob, too. Even though you’re slinging paint around (ugh), you’re doing it with a purpose beyond just being a maniac; you’re restoring color to the world (hooray!). Epic Mickey had a similarly constructive purpose, though I think Mickey could have dialed back on the splashing.

I understand that this sounds insane, but it really is a huge nonstarter for me. Some people balk at the idea of Mortal Kombat's gratuitously gruesome finishing moves. Others get upset when a female character shows what they consider to be too much skin. I don't know how many times I've heard of people quitting a game the moment a spider boss scuttled onto the screen. Personally, these things don't bother me much.  Everyone has their own personal quirks, and most of them seem super dumb when you can't relate to them. Mine just happens to be getting a little nauseated when I have to blanket everything in a gloppy mess. Ugh.

Now that I think of it, there’s one sure-fire way to get me on board with Splatoon: Let me visit the maps after the match is over, the characters have moved on, and the paint has dried. I’m Chibi-Robo!, and it’s my responsibility to clean up so that everything is scrubbed clean before the next disgustingly messy round.