Please support Game Informer. Print magazine subscriptions are less than $2 per issue

The Onion's Best Gaming-Related Humor

by Dan Ryckert on Jun 10, 2010 at 08:24 AM

Not only is The Onion the funniest site on the internet, it's also one of the best sources of humor from any medium for well over a decade. With no sacred cow too sacred to mock (they were the first major outlet to satirize 9/11, beating even South Park to the punch), they've covered almost every subject you can imagine. I've been a huge fan of the site ever since I discovered it in junior high, and I've gotten the distinct impression over the years that they have some serious gamers on staff. Check out some of the best gaming-related humor that "America's Finest News Source" has put together.

Video Game Characters Denounce Randomly-Placed Swinging Blades

"I mean, would you put up with a row of whirling knives in the cereal aisle at Safeway?" the blue jacket Double Dragon guy continued. "Of course not. Why, then, should Duke Nukem have to run through a corridor of them to get the health pack he needs need to survive?"

Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face

From the Onion News Network, it's a video piece about a hot new title featuring a man on a quest to save his brother. To do so, he has to shoot hundreds of people (and the occasional ostrich and horse) point-blank in the face. Not content to simply make a video report on the game, they actually made a fully-playable flash version.

Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence

The Wii, now the most popular gaming system in the country, most recently came under fire last month, when 15-year-old Los Angeles student Brian Strickland, who reportedly plays Wii Sports tennis, was expelled for flicking his wrist back and forth at a fellow sophomore's head. And in January, 12-year-old Boulder, CO native Andrew Conner, a fan of the WarioWare: Smooth Moves game, was hospitalized after swinging his arm like an elephant trunk into members of the eighth-grade boys basketball team.

Video Game Violence Blamed In Giant Robot Shooting Spree

Lampooning the criticism aimed at the gaming industry after tragedies like Columbine, this article describes a giant robot that becomes obsessed with Armored Core 2. His obsession is later blamed for the murder of 13 fellow giant robots before turning the plasma rifle on himself.

"You can't blame something like this on a game," Sony spokesman Mitsuko Yamaguchi said. "Sure, it's easy to point the finger at a convenient scapegoat, but what about the real questions: Where did this robot acquire enough credits to outfit his AC with such heavy hardware in the first place? Why didn't the AC's high-AP head unit's onboard computer facilities receive counseling before it was too late? And, of course, any time a robot goes berserk, it has to be asked: Where were the manufacturers?"

Video Game Character Wondering Why Heartless God Always Chooses 'Continue'

This article made it obvious that the Onion's writers were playing quite a bit of the MGS2 demo that was included in Zone of the Enders. After all, it was written on August 1st, 2001, over three months before Sons of Liberty was released. It features Solid Snake in an existential crisis as an omniscient higher power (the gamer) simply won't let him die.

Sidling along a companionway toward the ship's lounge, Snake considered his ultimate fate.

"What awaits me at the end of my lives' journeys?" Snake asked. "Is there a Paradise on the other side? Or will it all end in a full-motion video sequence that hints at a forthcoming sequel?"

The hallway then filled with nerve gas, fatally asphyxiating Snake.

God, also known as Orangeburg 11-year-old Brandon MacElwee, offered no comment on His greater plan for Snake, saying He was "too busy trying to get to the part with the knife-throwing Russian girl."

Man Plans Special Weekend To Reaffirm Commitment To Xbox 360

Any gamer that's out of high school or college can probably relate to this one. It covers the harrowing tale of a man whose real-life responsibilities are keeping him from quality time with his 360.

"After months of talking about it, I'm finally going to start Fallout 3," Fletcher said. "That's how committed I am to this thing."

Claiming that the special weekend comes at a critical moment in his four-year relationship with the gaming system, Fletcher said his Xbox barely seems like a part of his life these days: He rarely acknowledges the console when he gets home from work, and "wouldn't even notice it" if it weren't right next to the television set.

Sometimes, Fletcher said, he looks at the Xbox just sitting there, un-played, and feels guilty for not even wanting to touch it anymore.

"I hate to say it, but sometimes I'll sneak into a GameStop and start fooling around with a PlayStation 3," Fletcher said. "God. Why would I do that when I have a perfectly good Xbox 360 at home? What's wrong with me?"

'Beltway Sniper' Video Game Release Delayed Out Of Respect For Victims

Like South Park, The Onion always manages to shock me even after I think I've seen it all. This one may not seem too bad eight years after the fact, but it was posted directly following the rash of Washington, D.C. sniper attacks back in 2002. There was a maniac on the loose, sniping random people at gas stations and restaurant parking lots, and The Onion risked controversy by posting this story.

"This was clearly the right thing to do—it's just too soon," programmer Russell Sperber said. "No one is ready for the realistic wound-channel modeling or rifle-bullet ballistics right now, but by the time March rolls around, they'll go nuts over it. That and the unlockable extra levels, the 'Create A Cryptic Note' feature, and the 'Play As The Cops' mode. And, of course, we'll be expanding the Create-A-Sniper feature, in which you can put yourself or your friends in a tree outside a strip-mall parking lot and take aim at the customers exiting such stores as Ponderosa, T.J. Maxx, and Jo-Ann Fabrics."

New Video Game Designed To Have No Influence On Kids' Behavior

This one focuses on Rockstar, who after years of media firestorms decides to make essentially the least controversial game ever.

To avoid any appearance of suggestive or adult situations, the graphics consist entirely of rectangular polygons rendered in shades of brown against a simulated gray cinderblock wall. The game is free-roaming inside the warehouse environment, meaning that no goals are set for stacking a certain number of boxes, nor is there a time limit for the stacking. The health-level bar remains at a constant peak, and the first-person perspective avoids the problem of players identifying too closely with the main character, whose name is never specified and to whom nothing actually happens.

'Warcraft Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

This ONN video details the newest World of Warcraft expansion, which allows gamers to experience what it's like to play WOW in a virtual dimly-lit basement.