photo journal

How Not To Throw A Party In The Sims 3

by Joe Juba on Oct 27, 2010 at 01:48 PM

I've been a fan of the Sims series for years, but I've always spent the bulk of my time with it playing on PC. Well, since The Sims 3 came out on PS3 and 360 yesterday, I figured it was time to check out the latest console version. Needless to say, my sim is a repugnant human being, and this is my photo chronicle of his hilariously disastrous attempt to throw a party.

(Note: These images are of considerably lower quality than The Sims 3's actual in-game graphics)

This is my sim, Hampton Crudmeier. He eats cereal every meal of the day, because each attempt to use his stove results in a fire and several hundred dollars worth of damage.

If you think he looks like the kind of guy you'd want to keep away from kids, you'd be right. Especially since he tends to thrust his pelvis at them while offering money.

Hampton's party-gone-awry starts innocently enough. He has a lot of space in his backyard, and I want to fill it with something cool. Of course, you can buy huge sculptures in-game, but then you're basically just picking something out of a catalogue. I want something unique...not some Ikea art I can see in  any 20-something's apartment.

So Hampton invites over the biggest d-bag in town, Darryl. Seriously, look at this guy. Crooked cap. Reflective shades. Chin strap. He is just begging for something terrible to befall him.

As I imagine happens with every single person he has ever met, Darryl does not get along well with Hampton.

Next: What to do with Darryl?

With the resounding success of Operation: Invite Darryl Over, I begin constructing the special recreation chamber he will use during his stay.

Since I can't control Darryl directly, Hampton needs to call him over in order to give him the grand tour of the recreation chamber.

I'll be right back, dude.

Oops, I accidentally deleted the door and installed a giant glass window, perpetually trapping you as a living exhibit in my backyard. My bad, bro!

In case he tries to escape, I build a pool/moat around Darryl's cage. As you can see, he is having a great time.

Okay, I was lying when I said he was having a great time. In reality, he is slowly starving to death and periodically wetting himself.

Next: Let's get this party started!

You're probably wondering when the party I promised in the headline makes an appearance. It starts right here. See, I don't know what to do with Darryl now that he's hanging out in his recreation chamber...so I decide to hold a giant bash in honor of his entrapment.

Hampton is not a sociable guy, so I send him out on the town to make some friends and spread the word about the amazing dude trapped in a cage.

Confident I can put together a decent guest list, I send out the official invitation.

Oh, no! The party is supposed to start soon, and I haven't done anything to prepare! Time to buy a buffet, a juice bar, several televisions, and a giant stereo. Also, a bunch of lawn chairs in case anyone wants to point and laugh at Darryl in the recreation chamber.

Hampton is clearly not worried about the impending party; as everyone starts pouring into his home, he's playing a computer game. Also, his sink broke moments before everyone shows up, so there's a little puddle there.

Next: Is the party a success? (Spoiler: No!)

Much to my chagrin, no one cares at all about Darryl and his current life-threatening plight. Not a single guest sits in the chairs or stops to gloat. Instead, people just want to dance, watch TV, and eat Hampton's food. I have no clue what that guy in the upper left is doing.

For all the lame stuff going on, one totally rad thing happens. A bikini girl walks right in front of Darryl's cage...holding an electric guitar. This immediately makes my party 10 times cooler.

Before I get a chance to herd people toward the recreation chamber, people start leaving. Some even comment that my party is a little bit boring. I load up the Karma powers (new to the console version of the game) and select Firestorm.

Think my party's boring now, chumps?

I doubt that Hampton's "Throw a Great Party" wish I promised is going to get fulfilled here.

After being bombarded my meteorites and fighting back a raging inferno, most people decide to leave, and Hampton goes to bed. A text box informs me that the party is officially over...except for one lonely girl who quietly plays guitar amid the wreckage.

Even Darryl's bushed! Either that, or his body's systems are shutting down one by one.

Next: Epilogue
You're probably asking yourself, "What happened next?" Well, since I can't give you an '80s-style montage, I'll wrap things up with five quick pictures.

Hampton goes about his day-to-day life for a while.

Darryl finally dies of starvation. That's the Grim Reaper back there.

He unsuccessfully pleads for his life. Even his wife Nellie can't help sway the Reaper. When she married him, she should have known that Darryl was destined for failure in both life and death.

As soon as Darryl's ghost is gone, Hampton tries to put the moves on Nellie.

She grudgingly starts dancing with the disgusting human responsible for making her a widow, her thoughts alternating between her lost love and the catchy salsa music.

And everyone lived happily ever after.