Gamescom 2010 was huge – so huge that our staff, despite their best efforts, wasn't able to see every game at the show. I'm sure they were super busy. That's the only reason I can think of why they neglected to call my attention to this Adrenalin Misfits (known as Crossboard 7 in the Europe) trailer.
I hadn't heard of the game until I saw this trailer, but from now on it will be seared into my memory as the exact moment I gave up on Kinect. However, something this ludicrous shouldn't just be written off – I feel that it's complete lameness demands further study. To that end, I will be giving you a second-to-second analysis of what surely must be the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
0:04 – "Oh, 'sup y'all, I'm just your average tween with a orange hoodie and lesbian mullet. Right now, I'm feelin' to chill and play a little Xbox, you know....no big thing."
0:06 – "You like my A/V stand? I stole it from a space ship an early 1970s sci-fi movie."
0:07 – "W-w-WHAT?!! My controller disappeared! My stars! Where did it go? Behind me??"
0:08 – *disembodied robot voice* "BZZZT...THRRP...THE SENSOR WILL READ YOUR MOVES. YOU ARE THE CONTROLLER"
0:13 – "Are you talking to ME? I am the controller? Whatever do you mean, Kinect sensor bar?"
0:16 – "Despite my confusion, I feel now is the perfect time to pretend to stand on an invisible skateboard!"
0:17 – We look on in horror as reject cartoon characters snowboard.
0:23 – OH MY GOD THE KID IS ACTUALLY CONTROLLING THE CHARACTER ONSCREEN BY PRETENDING TO SNOWBOARD! THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED!!!
0:25 – We have a possible sighting of a frog with dreadlocks. Repeat: We have a possible sighting of a frog with dreadlocks. Please remain calm.
0:29 – WHEN GAME SAYS "TURN!" THE KID PRETENDS TO TURN AND THE WEIRD FOX THING ONSCREEN TURNS ON HIS SNOWBOARD!!!! *passes out*
0:30 – *regains consciousness*
0:35 – The kid's Hot Mom shows us that you can jump!
0:38 – The other family members jump! Even the Cool Dad, who is wearing a hip track jacket and looks like he's 28, and the kid looks like he's about 10 so we now now this child was conceived while his parents were in high school
0:42 – Cool Dad appears to be "heading" a soccer ball that does not actually exist
0:46 – You can do tricks like spinning....by spinning! This is something we have never seen in any snowboarding game ever.
0:53 – Hot Mom shows us how to glide, which is done by standing in your living room and holding out your arms and saying "i'm a plane! I'm a plane! Look at me, I'm a plane!"
0:56 – Lil' Sis stomps on the floor and the announcer dude says "BUMPIN'!" and a crazy lizard tiger snowboard shoots what looks to be like a laser out of his snowboard...I guess?
1:02 – The announcer says "Cheer and speed up!" and the family acts like they are the stands at an imaginary football game. From this I gather that you must cheer loudly to speed up, which does not sound like an annoying control mechanic at all.
1:04 – Observation: Cool Dad looks a little bit like a younger version of EA CEO John Riccitiello
1:08 – Weird Fox Thing reaches the finish line, and Lesbian Mullet Kid "skids out" to stop the board
1:10 – Lesbian Mullet Kid points his fingers in the sky like two pistols and says "Yeah!" Weird Fox Thing mimics this motion onscreen, forcing us to see this annoying gesture twice.
1:12 – We see a montage of the whole family (and some new random children) pumping their fists and saying "YES!"
1:15 – A bunch of people jump up in the air in slow motion
1:19 – The screen reads "Free your experience." Okay....I will do that. Thank you.
1:22 – Game logo....copyright Konami Digital Entertainment...The End.
1:23 – I reflect on what I've learned in this last minute and a half, suspecting I will never be the same again.