GI Reveals The Names Of Next 5 Castlevania Games!
Castlevania is one of the longest and most successful franchises in gaming history. Gamers love Castlevania for its spooky mix of platforming, combat, and exploration; we think its staying power is due to its ability to spawn an endless number of goofy subtitles. From “Rondo of Blood” to “Harmony of Despair”, Castlevania has perfected the art of taking two seemingly unrelated words, throwing an “of” in between them, and throwing the phrase behind a colon.
Castlevania’s strange subtitles have already spawned an (now sadly defunct) online name generator, but I thought I could do better than any machine! Why? Because I’m an idiot. Also, I like wasting my workday Googling search terms like “vampire goth dictionary”.
Now, I can finally reveal the next five entries in the Castlevania series. I hope Konami is reading this, because these are pure video game gold.
1 Castlevania: Sonata of Corruption
This is a slam-dunk. First off, Konami loves music terms, see: rondo, symphony, aria, and harmony. The sonata is one of the hottest forms of classic music on the scene today, so it makes sense Konami would cash in on this hot trend. Corruption is another scary and sad, yet vaguely fancy sounding word that fits in perfectly with previous games like “Harmony of Despair” and “Aria of Sorrow”.
2 Castlevania: Succubus of Twilight
The succubus is a super sexxxy female demon. Twilight is probably the most sinister time of day. Also, the popular Twilight movie and book franchise has taken vampires to a whole new level (of sucking! Hahahahahaha…get it? So clever.) This name has it all – mystery, death, and the possibility of conning a bunch of 14-year-old goth chicks into buying the game by mistake. The only downside is that this title would force Simon Belmont to get a really dumb haircut and pout like a teenager.
3 Castlevania: Ennui of the Macabre
Ennui [pronounced ahn-wee] is a French word meaning “a feeling of utter weariness and discontent”, which means its at least ten times fancier than regular ways of being sad and tired. Take that “sorrow”! In your face! Macabre is a classic horror word; frankly we’re surprised Konami didn’t beat me to the punch on this one. Many people think that Castlevania subtitles are just made using the “[Something] of [Something]” template, but that’s just plain wrong. Sometimes, they use the “[Something] of THE [Something]” template, as in the classic Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Ennui of the Macabre would be another proud entry in the tradition.
4 Castlevania: Requiem of Constipation
For all the horrors the Belmont clan has faced, they haven’t contended with a clogged up tailpipe. Seriously, too many vampire nachos will do that to you. The aftermath is at least as horrific as any cave troll I've ever met. I won’t even bother explaining the “Requiem” part – that word is so “Castlevania” it’s ridiculous.
5 Castlevania: Monocle of Freemasonry
The Castlevania mythos is so jumbled up I honestly can’t keep track of the saga, so why not add in the Freemasons just to make it even more incomprehensible? Movies like The Da Vinci Code and National Treasure have put freemasonry on the map, and this game could open up the possibility that our Founding Fathers were actually vampires. Think about it. As for the “Monocle” part, well, it’s simple: if you ever see a guy wearing a monocle, he’s definitely rich, probably evil, and usually a Nazi – and a rich Nazi vampire would make for the series' best end boss yet.