The Top 10 Crappiest Video Game Characters
In the words of my editor, “Poop is universal. It’s evergreen…or I guess everbrown.” Most of us have a long, personal history with the No. 2, and over time we develop a love-hate relationship with it. Some of us think that excrement is disgusting and should never be a topic of conversation, while others find the subject of tushy tots absolutely hilarious. Game developers often fall into the latter camp, and over the years have introduced several characters whose defining characteristic is their feculence. As Game Informer’s self-appointed leading expert on fecal matters (I assure you, I’m highly qualified. My sense of humor really hasn’t evolved much since I was in the turd grade, and I once squeezed out a beautiful “Ode to Poop” in a junior high English class.), I have taken it upon myself to spend time on the porcelain throne and pump out a list of the 10 crappiest video game characters. Without further ado, here’s some poo.
Warning: This feature is thoroughly immature and a little bit disgusting. The humor is low-brow, and those who are disturbed by jokes about bodily functions should turn back now. Proceed at your own risk.
10) Chop – Grand Theft Auto V
Franklin’s dog Chop is one of the most realistic representations of a dog I’ve seen in games. He does it all: barks, sleeps, plays fetch, and of course, poops. In fact, in most interactions with Chop, Franklin complains about the fresh dog piles his mutt leaves in the yard. And boy are these impressive piles. I highly recommend making use of the game’s ragdoll button to have Franklin dive right in for a closer look.
9) New Kid – South Park: The Stick of Truth
The New Kid has an amazing ass. His flatulence and its mysterious power are a big part of the story in South Park: The Stick of Truth, but what we’re concerned with here is his relationship with poop itself. If your attempt to let it rip in battle goes down the toilet, the New Kid poops his pants, leaving you with a nasty puddle and an Achievement. You can also mash the A button to drop a log in any toilet you find. Then you can pick it up and use it to gross out your enemies!
Note: Mr. Hanky was not included on this list because he did not originate in a video game.
8) Dangle – The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth
The DLC for The Binding of Isaac included a nice sample of new poo. There were poo-related items that could turn Isaac into a walking pile of waste, poo enemies, and even poo bosses. The highlight is Dangle, a massive pile of doodoo who whistles to summon little teardrop-shaped turds, smiles before shooting corn at you, and farts as he dashes, leaving slippery trails of diarrhea in his wake. He’s surprisingly adorable for such a stinky monster.
7) The Forest Animals – Castle Crashers
Upon entering the Thieves’ Forest in Castle Crashers, you’re greeted by an owl in need of a towel (because it's evacuating its bowels). Later, you encounter a giant bear who does a superb job of fertilizing the surrounding plants. The highlight, however, is a deer who uses its powerful pooping to propel itself away from a boss that chases you at the end of the level. If you’re playing co-op, one lucky player can actually ride the poo-powered deer! The animations for this rendezvous with last night’s supper are all hilarious, but the scenes get even better when you position your character in the line of fire.
6) Titanosaur – Ark: Survival Evolved
Dinosaur scat is crucially important to surviving in Ark (if you eat it, it’s also good for the opposite) because you can give it to a dung beetle to make fertilizer. Every terrestrial animal in Ark pinches loaves, but the most impressive by far is the Titanosaur. It’s the largest dinosaur in the game, and as such it produces the largest dungheap. When I first looked under the massive beast’s tail and watched the big, brown ball drop, so did my jaw. It’s a Jurassic Park moment that’s worthy of a John Williams score. Dr. Ian Malcolm puts it best: “That is one big pile of s---.”
5) ??? – The Legend of Zelda Series
This mysterious hand has shown up in Majora’s Mask, Oracle of Ages, and Skyward Sword, always emerging from a toilet or an outhouse, and always in desperate need of paper. It’s never explicit about what it needs this paper for, but it’s easy to draw the conclusion when it gives you a Stink Bag in return. I’m going to assume that this character is in every game, but only reveals itself when toilet paper is in short supply.
4) Brownie – Super Meat Boy
Brownie is by far the cutest little autonomous stool I’ve ever seen, and he has an interesting backstory. He actually originates from the partially formed rectum of the evil Dr. Fetus and begins his life as a hostile boss enemy. Following his defeat, he becomes good and shows up at the end of the game to sacrifice himself and save the day. If that isn’t enough of an argument that he should be on this list, his theme song is called “Fast Track to Browntown.”
3) Johnny Sasaki – Metal Gear Solid Series
There’s a surprising amount of poop in Metal Gear Solid, from Sigint’s dream about turd missiles to telling D-Horse to “do it” on command. Of all the characters to choose from though, Johnny takes the keester cake. He’s a lovable doofus who suffers from irritable bowel syndrome, so when you find him, he’s generally in the process of going to the bathroom. His standout moment comes in MGS 4, when an armed guard catches him making a deposit and he runs away with his pants down.
2) The Great Mighty Poo – Conker’s Bad Fur Day
Conker’s Bad Fur Day has the best poop-themed level in all of gaming, and it culminates in a sweet (or is it stinky?) battle with The Great Mighty Poo. This big ol’ pile of rump putty has corn for teeth and an amazing set of vocals. He sings throughout the duration of the fight and, between phases, there are sing-along cutscenes complete with poop puns and a little brown pellet that bounces on the on-screen text. It’s truly a shame he didn’t make it onto our list of top video game performances.
1) Duke Nukem – Duke Nukem Forever
Old dookie here is about as crappy as they come. So crappy in fact, that he tops the list over some of these characters who are literally s---. Duke Nukem used to be a beloved character. He was just a dumb, fun action-hero who kicked ass and told jokes, but after Duke Nukem Forever nothing was the same. For starters, all of his jokes became dated. It’s like the writers were throwing crusty old white turds at the wall to see what would stick. I have a dog; I’ve done that before – all they do is crumble. Worst of all though, he's disgustingly sexist. When he finds boobs coming out of a wall in an alien hive, he decides to go ahead and slap them while spouting one-liners. The game even rewards you for it with an Ego Boost. What the hell? On top of that, when he finds poop in a toilet, he decides to pick it up and paint the wall with it. He’s disgusting.
Are there any characters who were left out? Disagree with the numbering? Feel free to crap all over the list in the comments below!