Who Would Win: The Ultimate Video Game Character Showdown

Gamers love debating hypothetical showdowns between their favorite characters, but there are a lot more ways to settle the score than a fight to the death. That's why we devised a series of challenges tailored to the strengths of some of our favorite video game characters. Find out who would come out on top in our ultimate quiz: Who Would Win...

Editor's note: This feature originally ran in issue 284, but has been expanded with my irrefutable logic for why I chose the winner of each competition.

Borderlands' tankiest hero certainly has some big pipes, but they're no match for Mario's O.G. rival. Donkey Kong chucks barrels like they're balled-up pieces of tissue paper, and he climbs vines so effortlessly you'd think he's weightless. But he's not weightless – he's a giant gorilla! Not only that, but the fact that Donkey Kong wears a tie – not to mention can tie a tie – proves that he's smart. Even if DK's brawn wasn't enough to best Brick in an arm-wrestling contest, he'd no doubt use his brains to psyche out his dim-witted opponent.
Irrefutable Winner: Donkey Kong

Sonic the Hedgehog's entire legacy is built on his speed. The blue blur is definitely fast, but he ain't disappear-right-before-your-very-eyes-and-make-you-question-your-own-sanity fast. I mean Tracer is so fast she can literally warp back in time! It may hurt Sonic fans to hear this, but facts are facts: The beloved hedgehog would still be spinning up his little legs while Tracer blinked across the finish line.
Irrefutable Winner: Tracer (and it's not even close, guys)

Well, this one's fairly obvious. Master Chief is without a doubt a venerable soldier, having saved humanity dozens of times. But Kratos has killed like a hundred gods. God-slayer trumps alien-slayer any day of the week – especially in basketball. Plus, Master Chief is just too noble for no-rules street basketball, and Kratos is clearly willing to play dirty if that's what it takes. Like kill-your-whole-family dirty. Just look at that picture – you know Kratos can DUNK.
Irrefutable Winner: Kratos

Excuse the bad pun, but I really shouldn't have to spell this one out. Orcs aren't exactly thinkers, but Thrall has been a revered leader for most of his adult life, as well as a shaman who's skilled in sorcery. That all adds up to him being pretty darn smart. As for Marcus...well, he can't even spell "phoenix" right. See where I'm going with this?
Irrefutable Winner: Thrall

This one's at least a little closer, but not really that close...at all. General RAAM has his military background going for him, but he's not exactly subtle – his name is RAAM, for starters, and he pretty much wants to kill everybody. That might technically be considered a foreign "policy," but we doubt it would go over too well with anyone who would be scoring a political debate. Wrex ain't exactly the most diplomatic character in the Mass Effect universe either, but he did rack up plenty of experience with Commander Shepard that would serve him well in a format that doesn't involve murdering your opponent.
Irrefutable Winner: Wrex

While both gunslingers are remarkable shots, McCree has one serious flaw: His lethal Deadeye ability takes a few seconds to home in on his opponent. Marston's Dead Eye ability, however, actually slows time down to a crawl for his enemies, which would allow him ample time to line up the fatal shot. Also, developers really need to come up with more creative names for their cowboy-themed powers.
Irrefutable Winner: John Marston

To be clear, D-Dog would be a real longshot for any dog show award. For starters, he's missing an eye, and as fashionable as his eyepatch might be, I doubt that's the kind of criteria dogs are judged on. D-Dog is an all-around mangy canine, and while he follows commands reasonably well, "rip a dude's throat out" probably isn't on the scorecard either. However, D-Dog does have one major advantage over Amaterasu: He's a dog. Amaterasu is a wolf, which would be an instant disqualification, and probably send the judges running for the exits.
Irrefutable Winner: D-Dog

This one is a bit tricky, because Blob can turn into virtually anything he wants – including a tennis racket. If he did however, his team would still just be a dumb little kid with two rackets. Meanwhile, look at how many arms and feet ToeJam has! And while Earl isn't in the greatest shape, he's dressed like he's ready for a workout. Besides, every time they hit the ball over the net, Blob would probably confuse it for a jellybean and eat it. Game, set, match.
Irrefutable Winner: ToeJam & Earl

First off, if you're old enough to get the War Games reference, then congratulations (or maybe condolences are more in order?). If a prepubescent Mathew Broderick taught us anything, however, it's that there are no winners in nuclear warfare – sometimes the only way to win is to not play the game in the first place. We doubt either SHODAN or GLaDOS are dumb enough to fall for that though, so either way humans are the real losers. Oh yeah, I picked GLaDOS as the winner because she's funny.
Irrefutable Winner: GLaDOS