The Comedy And Horror Overheard In Overwatch Competitive

Overwatch’s competitive mode launched this week on PC (sorry console players, you’ll have to wait for next week to start farming for golden weapons and blaming your teammates for your bad ranking). Thus far, things have been rowdy and rambunctious as players eagerly flock to the new mode to show off their skills in placement matches and rank-climbing, perfect-team-composition madness. I’ve spent some time in the mode, and things have gone pretty much as expected. Here are some of the interesting moments I’ve seen and heard so far.

The player that picks Genji no matter what, and always has the Bedouin or Nomad skin. The player that thinks they are a real life ninja warrior.

Coming from what I can only assume is tons of Bastion-slaying noob-stomping in unranked play, these players are really dedicated to their craft. The problem is they’re not used to going up against balanced teams and just assume they can shred through entire teams like the buckets of Bastions they take out as solo-ninja all-stars.

Teamplayer44: “Hey uhh, don’t think we really need a Genji, they have two Reinhardts, a Zarya, and two supports, we really need to bust through their lines…”

XxKatanaKillaXxt69: “Trust me I’ve done this before. Trust me. I’ve got this.”

XxKatanaKillaXxt69 is never seen in any teamplay as he hops from roof to roof, perhaps getting 2-3 eliminations that make no difference during the entire first round.

XxKatanaKillaXxt69: “You guys didn’t support me, noob scrub team. Why do I always get paired with noobs? Go back to casual.”

XxKatanaKillaXxt69 has left the game.

Microphone Mike

Sometimes around 10 seconds into a game you’ll run into one of these. Yes, your team composition may be 4 Hanzo and 2 Genji, but the really important question is:

MicroPhoneMike100: “Hey does anyone else here have a microphone? We can win this if we work together. I’ve done six Symmetra team comps before they work well.”

Silence from the rest of the team.

MicrophoneMike100: “Hey does anyone have a mic?”

Attack commences in 30 seconds

MicrophoneMike100: “Hey does anyone want to get on Teamspeak, Discord, Mumble, Ventrilo, Curse, or Dingdonger VOIP? I really think it would help.”

At this point the individual hammering out queries on the microphone will generally just start holding the microphone button down so you can hear intense heavy breathing (sometimes labored), the key clicks, and other great background noises, which can include:

Mom yelling at Mike to come downstairs because the chicken tendies are ready.

A dog that should probably get to a vet because it literally never stops barking.

Construction work going on in the background because clearly Mike is playing from the site of a new hotel going up.

Toilets flushing. I don’t even want to ask how that happens.

MicrophoneMike100: “No one ever uses voice chat that’s why we lose.”

MicroPhoneMike100 has left the game.

The “Don’t You Know Who I Am” Streamer With 10 Followers

SlayerDongBag: “Alright, listen up everyone. I’m going Hanzo because I’m the best with him, oh and I’m live right now on Twitch, like, share, and subscribe, and okay listen up player one, you’re going Mercy because we need heals and player 2 and 3 you go Reinhardt and Roadhog okay?”

Player 3: “Well I’ve never played Roadhog but I have 100 hours on Mercy can I switch with player 1 maybe?”

SlayerDongBag: “Whoa. Alright stop right there. Don’t you know who I am? You’re LIVE on Twitch right now and if we lose this everyone will know it’s your fault. Go who I tell you. Don’t you know who I am? Seriously what is with noobs and competitive if you want to lose go play casual on your own time I am going MLG and almost sponsored don’t you freaking know who I am git gud scrub.”

Player3: “Uhh… alright…going Roadhog…”

After a two-minute double-cap defeat in round one:

SlayerDongBag: “OMFG, worst Roadhog ever. Do you even know how to land a hook don’t you know who I am?!!!! YOU ARE LIVE ON TWITCH RIGHT NOW.”

Player3: “I’ve never played him before, I told you that!”

SlayerDongBag: “This is unbelievable. My audience can’t handle how bad you all are. I’m out of here LIKE SHARE AND SUBSCRIBE.”

SlayerDongBag has left the game.

The Incredible Team Slayer Hanzo

Just kidding, Hanzo doesn’t do anything in competitive play!

Reaper IRL

BloodDeathGodXXX: “The lambs have come to the killing field; the slaughter of the innocent will now begin. Look for my judgment upon the meek when you hear the sounds of my guns echoing before the shallow silence of those who fall under my gaze. Today payment is incurred for the sins of those long pa…”

BubblrBippy420: “Yo is this guy for real? Hey, by the way we don’t need a Reaper can anyone play a tank? That first choke point in this map is a real doozy…”

BloodDeathGodXXX: “They shall be ripped from their wombs. Cleansed. Purged. Destroyed.”

BloodDeathGodXXX runs in a straight line into enemy forces without the team, never uses wraith form, does not flank the enemy, and is immediately gunned down the single time Death Blossom is used.

BloodDeathGodXXX: “Fools.”

BloodDeathGodXXX has left the game.

“I wasn’t even supposed to be here today.”

AveragePlayer45: “Hey we have 2 Genjis can someone maybe play something else for the team?”

Katanaazaaanza: “No.”

Minutes pass, round one goes by with no captures.

AveragePlayer45: “Please? Can someone switch?”

Katanaazaaanza: “Everyone is so ridiculous in this game why don’t YOU switch you big dumb Reinhardt don’t tell me how to play you know what screw this I’m out of here noobs.”

Katanaazaaanza has left the game.