6 Steps To Becoming A World-Class Video Game Villain

Video game heroes get all the press, as well as all the love and most of the limelight (though I prefer lemonlight, anyway). But some people feel that those who scheme from the shadows, manipulating people and events to get what they want are the more captivating characters. And who doesn’t want to get what they want? If you’ve ever felt the urge to wear the black hat, you’re in luck; we’re detailing all the steps you need to take to become a world-class video game villain.

Step 1: Develop your tragic backstory
All great villains have an interesting, even sympathetic backstory. You might have been an average kid born in the suburbs, but it’s never too late to start crafting your super villain persona. Consider dabbling in strange experiments that might drive you crazy or try injecting yourself with radioactive soaps in hopes that it will transform you into a mutant. You could also try to put your family in dangerous situations hoping they’ll get knocked off, giving you a great revenge story. On the off-chance that you’re a severed hand, you should try to graft yourself onto some other villain à la Metal Gear. Remember some of the best villains are fallen heroes, so you could try doing some good for a while and see if that corrupts you.

Step 2: Have a lavish ambition
As a villain your main goal is to get what you want, but that thing also has to conflict with a lot of other people’s interests. For example, if you’re desire is to simply hang out on the beach all day, that isn’t a good villain ambition. However, if you want to steal the sun and create your own private beach planet, that might be a good villain ambition. The more extravagant you can be the better. Want to become king of your own utopian nation? Try building it under the ocean…or in the sky. Want to take over the world? Consider making a deal with the devil…or aliens…or a rogue A.I. system to get what you want. Want to kidnap a princess? Find out who fixes her plumbing and kill them first.

Step 3: Find a rival
If you’re going to be a villain, you’re going to need a hero who’s trying to take you down. Don’t worry, if you’ve done your homework and picked an appropriately ludicrous ambition then someone will probably rise up and try to oppose you. Still, you should do your part and up the stakes by kidnapping their girlfriend or the president (bonus points if their girlfriend is the president’s daughter). Also, find plenty of ways to egg on the hero by talking to him through a phone or radio, but don’t interact with them in person too much, because you don’t want to face them in open combat when they’re still a little green and easy to kill.

Another route to being an arch-nemesis would be to become a shadow version of your hero. Just make sure you become a shadow version of the right person, because if your counterpart is just an accountant or something then you’ll just look like a dumb shadow that’s good at numbers.

Next up: We look at how a villain should handle fashion, language, and defeat.

Step 4: Dress like you're awesome
Assuming you’re not an obstruction of light, you’re going to need some sweet duds to make sure you don’t look like a total dud. Wearing a hood all the time is great, and you should never take off your sunglasses. Setting your head or hair on fire is also a good move. Consider cutting off your arm and replacing it with a mechanical limb. You could also replace your legs with tank treads if you’re a baby about cutting off your arm. Don’t forget about the little touches like a cool-looking scar across the eyes, giant shoulder pads, and a spiked chain wrapped around your waist.

Step 5: Embrace your arrogance
People need to be reminded that you’re a villain every time you open your mouth, so you might as well start practicing your villainous monologue. People want to hear why you’re so great and how you accomplish your villainous schemes. Even your closest lieutenants – who you’ve been working with for years – should be kept up to date about your plans in case someone else who isn’t in the know happens to be listening in on your conversation. Also, forget everything you know about puns. Puns are for heroes and you’re not a hero. Phrases like “We’re not so different, you and I,” “I’m impressed you made it this far,” and “This isn’t my final form!” are all perfect and should be used repeatedly. Also, you must have a British accent. Sorry I didn’t mention that earlier.

Step 6: Don’t overthink defeat
Did you remember to practice saying “Next time!” while shaking your fist in step 5? You’ll be using that phrase a lot, because the hero is likely going to defeat you…a lot. But this isn’t the end. After your hero works his way through your headquarters (staffed with guards all wearing the same outfit, of course) he’s likely to find you sipping wine in your office. You might consider taking off your shirt at this point or wearing some kind of vest that shows off your abs. Thankfully, all heroes are fascinated by “What is a man really?” speeches, so prepare your best monologue and use the distraction to retreat into the safety of a battle mech or dragon. Sadly, you’re required by law to shoot circles around the hero and expose your weak point at least three times in every fight. On the other hand, defeat isn’t the end for you, because you can always come back for another adventure. Remember that without villains the world wouldn’t need heroes. That’s your mantra. Take pride that the world needs you and is a better place because you exist.