The 10 Stages Of Playing A Multiplayer Shooter

When a new online shooter comes out, players spend dozens of hours discovering the most efficient routes through maps, methodically working to determine the best possible loadouts, and soaring to the tops of the leaderboards. Then there’s the rest of us. We play when we can, and we give it our best. Sure, that usually puts us right in the middle of the pack, but we’re having a great time wallowing in our mediocrity. Usually. Over the years, we’ve noticed that our multiplayer FPS experiences follow a fairly predictable sequence. Take a look and see if it sounds familiar.

Stage One: Excitement
Hey! It’s a new game! Awesome! I loved the last one! I played through the campaign and it was kind of “Bleh,” but the multiplayer was a blast. My friends and I had a lot of fun playing together, even though Frank works nights so we had to work around his schedule, and Pete is kind of flaky, and Tony is super busy with that lame baby of his. This time will be different! We’re going to come up with a night that we can all play every week, and we’ll stick to it. I CAN’T WAIT!! 

Stage Two: Updates
All right, here we go. Oh. Looks like I need a patch title update. Wait, what? It’s four gigs? No big deal. While it’s downloading, I can read the instruction manu-… Never mind. Great! Only three hours remaining. This is a perfect time to impotently browse my Netflix queue. It looks like Pete’s doing the same thing, so it’s kind of like multiplayer.

Stage Three: Exuberance
All right, Tony! Let’s do this! I think I lost your audio. Can you hear me? I can hear a bunch of clicking sounds, but not your voice. Now you’re cutting in and out. OK. Leave the party and I’ll send you another invite. No, I don’t know why this is so much worse than it was on last-gen, either. Got it? Awesome! Here we go! Ugh. We’re not on the same team. Quit the game, and I’ll invite you again. Hey, I think it’s actually working now! Follow me! No, I don’t know where I’m going, either! Did that guy kill you, too?

Stage Four: Sharing
You really missed it, Frank. Tony and I played last night, and it was pretty great. We’re still trying to figure out the new maps, and we haven’t unlocked any decent weapons. Yes, there’s a rocket launcher. Yeah, you start out with it. I don’t know, I didn’t use it. Anyway, we played for a few hours and we were dominating! It was amazing. I was one-hitting snipers with my knife, and I ranked up about five times. One time this guy shot me just as I was throwing a grenade and it went in the building he was in and it blew up and killed him and two other dudes. I shot one guy and he bent like a folding chair with his head in his own lap. It was hilarious. Are you going to be able to play this weekend? No, Pete says he accidentally turned off message notifications, so he didn’t know we were playing.

Stage Five: Bewilderment
What the hell is going on? I spawn in, and I run about 10 feet before someone snipes me. How are these guys rank 30 already? The game’s only been out for a day. This doesn’t make any sense. I shoot a guy about a dozen times and he doesn’t die, but he can instantly kill me with one bullet? Why am I even being matched with these guys? Wait, I just did a double kill! Oh, his friend knifed me in the back. Seriously, there’s something pretty sketchy going on here.

Stage Six: Blame
I don’t think any of these guys have jobs. I saw four people who were already level 50. They’re in a clan, so of course this game is all they have to live for. They’re using some kind of SMG that apparently fires radioactive cannonballs. I hope the devs tone down those melee kills. The knife is way too powerful, and that clan won’t stop stabbing me. God, I hate the thumbsticks on this new controller design.  

Stage Seven: Personalization
All right, I’m going to take a little break. I saw a really cool custom emblem someone made of Master Shake riding a horse. He wouldn’t stop killing me, so I spent a considerable amount of time staring at it. It’s amazing that you can create something that complicated by only using a few basic shapes. None of this makes any sense. How do you rotate this stupid thing? Can’t I just pick red instead of having to grab a color from this weird chart? Fine. I’ll use a hot-pink heart on a purple star background. As usual.

Stage Eight: Favoritism
It’s been a few weeks, and it’s all starting to gel. I finally unlocked a decent rifle and created a custom class that actually works for me. I’m never going to be the best shot, so I figure I’ll just hang back a little and heal everyone. It seems to be working out, even though I’m still padding out the opposing team’s kill/death ratio. The map with the ghost town is the best, and I’ve figured out some of the best places to hang out if I want to play sniper.

Stage Nine: Blame
If they don’t fix those stupid knife kills I’m seriously going to lose my mind.

Stage Ten: Tolerance
It’s been a few months, and none of my friends are playing anymore. I’m never going to be the best at this stupid game, and I doubt that I’ll ever hit the level cap. I hear that some new maps are coming out, but they’re going to be on the other system first. It figures. By the time I get around to playing them, everyone else will have already mastered them. Don’t these people have jobs?