humor

Seven Things That Will Make The Tomb Raider Film A Blockbuster

by Ben Reeves on Feb 26, 2015 at 11:30 AM

Movies are generally made by committee, meaning it takes a lot of great ideas to make a generic piece of Hollywood drivel. With that in mind, let us offer up some suggestions for Warner Bros., GK Films, and MGM as they produce the new Tomb Raider movie.


Daugherty hangs out on the set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Nail The Script
Evan Daugherty has signed on to write the new Tomb Raider movie. Daugherty previously worked on films like Snow White and the Huntsman and the 2014 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, so the first thing that GK Films and MGM should do is fire Daugherty and hire a new writer. Hire someone like James Cameron who has worked on amazing action films like Terminator 2, Rambo: First Blood Part II, and Titanic. James Cameron is likely pretty expensive, but his brothers John or Mike Cameron aren't. In 2008, the brothers performed a blood pact to share their powers  effectively making them all equals. Hire John or Mike (or both) and you'll effectively have a James Cameron film without paying for James Cameron. Since the ability to write an explosive action scene is genetic, the studio only really needs to hire one of his brothers. Of course, if the studio is going for one of those classic bad video game movies then they should hire a less experienced writer such as someone who worked on the Jackie Chan Adventures cartoon.


Spielberg goofing off on set with a co-worker

Hire A Well Known Director
A big budget production like Tomb Raider deserves a big name director. It doesn’t get much bigger than Steven Spielberg. The iconic filmmaker behind Jaws and Saving Private Ryan would bring us a fresh look at Lara. Imagine a scene where Lara steals an idol from a tomb only to end up running away from a gigantic rolling boulder. Or picture Lara in south America swinging on vines with monkeys. After that, Lara could end up in a nuclear testing facility and just barely escape by jumping into a fridge. In the film's closing act, Lara could finally blow up an animatronic shark. We should be able to get Spielberg at a discount since we've already plotted out the film.


A concept image of Jolie as she could appear in the Tomb Raider film

Bring Back Angelina...As The Villain!
Let’s face it, most people who don’t play games still think of Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft. Old people who were born in the ‘80s and early ‘90s saw those Tomb Raider films and now associate Jolie with the iconic gaming heroine. Let's use that to our advantage. Bring them back to the theater by bringing Jolie back as the villain. She already has experience playing a villain in Maleficent and Jennifer Aniston's love life. We want to see Jolie play an older archaeologist who is better at raiding than Lara. Maybe she could even play Lara's mentor. In true villainous fashion, give Jolie a facial scar and a tasteful shoulder tattoo of a shark eating a butterfly and you'll have a villain that movie-goers won't be able to get out of their nightmares.

Next up: Guns, aliens, and bears. Oh my!

Give Us An Epic Bear Fight
The new Rise of the Tomb Raider game features some epic fights with a giant grizzly. If this bear is going to be in the film then it needs an actor who can bring some depth to the role. How about Dan Aykroyd who played a grizzly in the 2010 dark thriller Yogi Bear. Aykroyd wouldn't actually voice the Bear in Tomb Raider (that would be ridiculous) but his grunts, moans, and lifelike mo-cap sessions would offer a depth to the character that would make him a compelling antagonist for Lara. In the movie, Lara and this bear would battle, but there could be a hidden depth to their relationship. In one pivotal moment, they would set aside their differences and work together. Afterwards, the bear would turn against Lara, then they would lock eyes, stare deeply into each others souls, and reflect on the mysteries of the animal kingdom. Slowly, the Bear cracks a smile and lets Lara go free. This is the scene we show during the award ceremonies.


Anna Gunn watches a rap battle on the set of Breaking Bad

Have Anna Gunn Play A Gun
Actress Anna Gunn would be perfect for the role of Lara's twin pistols. Not only does the Breaking Bad actress have the acting chops to play at least one (if not both) of Lara's iconic twin pistols, we really just want to see bullets coming out of her mouth. Early on in the film, we'd see a flashback where Lara is given the Anna Gunn gun as a birthday present and we learn that this magic pistol was made using metal from a pistol that once belonged to Civil War hero Rutherford B. Hayes. This sets Lara off on a journey to discover her true heritage.


Don't look him in the eyes

Don't Skimp On Predator Scenes
This alien hunter makes just about any movie 10 percent better. Think about it. Some of the worst recent films, such as Annie, Transformers: Age of Extinction, and Jupiter Ascending didn't have the Predator. You know which movie did feature the Predator? The original film Predator, which was at least 10 percent better than those other films. This high-tech hunter would come to Earth looking for worthy prey, only to discover that the hunter has become the hunted. This also gives us an opportunity to explain why Lara has been covered in mud the whole film. Extra bonus points if Angelina Jolie turns out to be the Predator. 


A picture of this writer contemplating bad video game films

Give In And Make A Bad Film
If all of those other suggestions fail, this is our saving grace. Making good films is hard, so why not save time and money and just slap some stuff together then bank on the established name of Tomb Raider? While we're at it, why not try to do a cross over with the Mortal Kombat or Silent Hill series? That would create some really incredible mixing and matching. If we’re going to make a bad video game movie then we might as well knock out two in one go.

For a tangentially related feature about the movies that helped inspire the upcoming Rise of the Tomb Raider, head here. And check out our previous casting call where we predict who will play Lara herself.