Insulting The Lamest Characters From Great Video Games

Even some of the best games have flaws. Sometimes those flaws are characters that are underdeveloped, awkward, or otherwise annoying. They are the Scrappy-Doos of video games; characters we didn't ask for, didn't want, and got anyway. Here's a roundup of the lamest characters from games that were still a lot of fun.

Warning, mild spoilers and nasty insults ahead.

Marcus Fenix (Gears of War) – Marcus was a Gear soldier and legendary hero who served during the Pendulum Wars. And while he’s good at popping Locust heads like zits, he has the personality of a wedge of cheese – not a cool wedge of cheese like cheddar or pepper jack either, but the boring kind of cheese that got wedgies in high school. Marcus sounds like Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh after taking a hit of OxyContin. We know that his planet is in ruins, and he’s been caught in a massive war for as long as he can remember, but Marcus’ sour disposition is depressing. This guy is about as lively as a funeral, and his jock-like demeanor allows him to produce sentences that are only a little more intelligible than a spilled bowl of Alphabet Soup. His skin is also so leathery that it looks like an alcoholic's liver.

Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty) – Sure, Raiden has turned into a cybernetic ninja that is so slick that insults just slide off him, but the reason he was given such an impressive makeover was because when we first meet this effeminate spy he was complaining about his ex-girlfriend and slipping on bird crap on an oil platform. This supposedly tough super spy whines more than a train with rubber wheels and a baby conductor. In fact, he probably whines when his waiter brings him regular Pepsi instead of Diet Coke. It doesn't help that he has a haircut that would only look good on a Victoria's  Secret model. The worst thing about Raiden is that he prevented players from assuming the role of fan-favorite badass Solid Snake. Kojima snuck this character into the Metal Gear franchise; no one even knew that he existed before Metal Gear Solid 2 hit store shelves. Unfortunately, his surprise felt less like, "Surprise! We're throwing you a birthday party!" and more like, "Surprise, give me your money or I will kill your dog."

Slippy Toad (Star Fox) – When an anthropomorphic space monkey invades the Lylat system and threatens to subjugate an entire solar system, the Cornerian Army assembles a crack squad of elite fighters…and one tagalong named Slippy. This high-strung frog is Star Fox’s mechanic, but he can’t repair the loose nuts in his own head. If you look into his eyes you can actually see an empty void staring back at you, and if you put his head up to your ear you can hear the ocean. The Fox team would actually be more successful without him, because Slippy’s idea of dogfighting has him shooting at the horizon while he flies in front of every enemy in Andross’ army. If you fail to save him, he plummets to the ground, screaming like a seal caught in the jaws of great white shark. We have to admit that our crosshairs might have “accidentally” brushed across his ship a few times when he called out for help…and occasionally when he didn’t.

Miles "Tails" Prower (Sonic the Hedgehog series) – Most foxes are solitary creatures, but Tails has an uncomfortable obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog. When they first met, Tails probably blew it by mentioning that he thought Sonic looked cute when he slept. Tails is basically not as hip, not as fast, and not as blue as Sonic. Players who took on the role of Tails often felt like they weren't very relevant to the experience. In fact, Tails' most impressive feat is that he can twitch his butt muscles in such a way that allows him to spin his twin tails and fly. Tails is also good at trailing behind Sonic, losing rings, and stealing oxygen from the rest of us. The sad part is that Tails thinks he's helping, but his innocent doe-eyed stare is probably what keeps Sonic from telling him that he already has plans on a Friday night.

Voldo (Soulcalibur series) – We don’t even know where to start with this freak. Voldo was the was the right-hand man of Italian weapons merchant Vercci, obsessed with obtaining the legendary Soul Edge. Vercci sent Voldo on an expedition to obtain the weapon, so logically, Voldo threw on his nicest Lady Gaga cosplay and went to work. This human blender moves across the battlefield like Gumby’s awkward, smelly uncle. We want to say that his stupid bondage outfit makes him look like an idiot, but we can't blame the outfit for everything. We wouldn’t tell children to approach anyone who looked like this, but if you’re a girl from Kansas, we hope you drop a house on him soon. If Voldo was on fire and we had water, we’d drink it.

Wakka (Final Fantasy X) – Named after Fozzie Bear’s signature phrase, Wakka has an islander’s lax attitude and the voice of a beach bum who’s been sleeping on the sand so long that the sun has turned his brain into bread. His birth certificate is actually an apology letter from the doctor who delivered him. Wakka is the blitzball captain of possibly the worst team in the league, but he’s also one of Yuna’s guardians – even though he has no practical skills to guard anyone from anything more dangerous than a sedentary lifestyle (his signature weapon is basically a volleyball). In short, Wakka is a social vampire, living off other people’s popularity, and making them forget he exists when he not around. Despite being a world-class dork, he somehow becomes best buds with the game’s protagonist and hooks up with the title’s foxy sorcerous; if Wakka were a vehicle he be a motorcycle sidecar.

Zeke Dunbar (Infamous) – Zeke is Cole MacGrath's best friend and faithful companion, but we’re not entirely sure why. Cole probably has low self-esteem and keeps Zeke around because it makes him feel better about himself. Zeke looks like one of those extreme makeover "before" pictures, only there is no "after." According to Infamous lore, Zeke helped Cole practice parkour, which is funny because Zeke looks about as nimble as a baby cow. The worst part is that when Cole really needed his friend, Zeke actually betrayed his trust. Not to mention that Zeke’s style is so depraved that we imagine he was raised by banjo-playing swamp dwellers who like to wrestle alligators. If Elvis' cat coughed up a hairball, it would look like Zeke.