humor

Dumb Facts: Kratos Edition

by Jeff Marchiafava on Mar 08, 2013 at 08:29 AM

Players have gone on countless revenge quests with Kratos, but there's still a lot about gaming's favorite god killer you might not know. In preparation for God of War: Ascension, here are some dumb facts about Kratos that are in no way meant to be funny.

Dumb Fact #1: Kratos Is A Great Friend
Kratos has developed a reputation for being a bit of a hothead, due to all the god killing and whatnot. But the truth is he's actually a pretty good guy when you get to know him. Whenever one of his pals moves into a new home/castle/underground torture dungeon, Kratos always volunteers to help them move, and doesn't make up excuses in order to avoid doing the heavy lifting.

Dumb Fact #2: Kratos Was A Drama Club Member
Kratos is known for adding a bit of flair to his acts of deicide, but his love of drama started long before his quest for revenge. When he was younger, Kratos was a member of his high school's drama club, where he wrote, directed, and starred in a stage adaptation of his favorite movie, Angels in the Outfield.

Dumb Fact #3: Kratos Tried To Be A Blacksmith
At one point during his god-killing career, Kratos briefly entertained the notion of pursuing a new line of work. His love of finely crafted weapons drew him toward a career in blacksmithing. Kratos even landed an apprenticeship with a respected blacksmith, but things went horribly wrong as soon as his mentor handed Kratos a hammer.

Dumb Fact #4: Kratos Briefly Had A Medical License
Blacksmithing wasn't the only other job Kratos pursued unsuccessfully. His expert knowledge of human/monster anatomy allowed Kratos to fly through medical school, but his career as an optometrist ended in court with a messy malpractice suit...

Dumb Fact #5: Another Failed Job
Kratos' brief stint as a chiropractor also didn't end well.

Dumb Fact #6: Kratos Keeps His Workouts Fun
Kratos knows how hard it is to stay motivated during a monotonous exercise program. That's why he employs a little creativity to keep things fresh. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Kratos trades in his standard barbells for a pair of glowing-eyed, lion-head hand clamps. Not only do they provide a fun workout, they're a great topic of conversation for chatting with his fellow gym members.

Dumb Fact #7: Kratos Makes A Lousy Sundial
Not only can you not tell what the hell time it is, but Kratos responds really poorly to "little hand" jokes.

Dumb Fact #8: Kratos Was An Accomplished Pokémon Trainer
Unfortunately, Kratos was banned from official competition after his Pokémon tested positive for banned substances. Kratos insists he only gave his pocket monsters herbal supplements that are completely legal, but have you ever seen another Rattata like the one shown above?  

Dumb Fact #9: Kratos Has Low Self-Esteem
Kratos' sexual conquests have been well chronicled in the God of War series, but his antics in the bedroom are less of a bragging right and more of a cry for help. Kratos sleeps around in a vain attempt to feel desirable and loved, but his sexual trysts only plunge him further down a spiral of self-loathing and loneliness. Plus, it's cost him a small fortune in vase replacement.

Dumb Fact #10: Kratos Has Been Banned From PETA For Life
Kratos chose not to appeal the decision, but insists he gets along with most animals that aren't trying to kill him.

Dumb Fact #11: Kratos Doesn't Get Halloween
Kratos refuses to wear a costume, doesn't understand the concept of "trick or treat," and absolutely ruined his neighborhood's Jack-O'-Lantern-carving contest. Next year, Kratos, just turn off your lights and pretend you're not home when kids start showing up, okay?