Characters We Want At Our Thanksgiving Table
At Game Informer, we ponder deep philosophical questions, like if we were able to invite a video game character to our Thanksgiving table, which one would it be and why? From using them to clean to learning deep Mass Effect history, our answers are anything but ordinary. Happy Thanksgiving!
Andy McNamara – Goro (Mortal Kombat)
Yes, having a half-human, half-dragon at the dinner table doesn't sound like a good time to some, but to me it would be the ultimate Thanksgiving treat. Sure, the conversation would stink, and I'm not entirely sure I have a dining room chair that could even hold him up, but none of these issues matter for what I consider to be the main reason for his invite. I've watched myself and family members shove down turkey and sides like it is the last day on Earth, but our own gluttony would look like child's play next to a four-armed beast who is capable of ripping people in half. So not only would watching him shovel down food be better than any Thanksgiving day NFL game, it would ultimately make us feel better about ourselves (and isn't that what the holidays are really about?). Plus, after he passed out from the tryptophan, I could write silly things on his face with a marker. I'm thinking, "Striker was here!" or "Finish this!" right across the forehead.
Ben Hanson – Mr. Codex (Mass Effect Series)
I fell in love with the lore while listening to the smartest man in the universe explain each race, historical event, and sci-fi gizmo in the first Mass Effect game. Each entry in the Mass Effect series adds to my backlog of unread Codex entries. The Thanksgiving table is the perfect opportunity to catch up on every detail of Mass Effect lore. Why listen to your aunt talk about her new fence when Mr. Codex could stun your family into silence by running through the history of the First Contact War between humans and Turians? Just stick to the surface level topics; arguments might break out between loved ones if he gets too deep into politics (Krogan eugenics) or religion (the Asari's pantheistic siari).
Jeff Cork – Chibi-Robo (Chibi-Robo! Plug Into Adventure!)
Mr. Robo would be a lousy conversationalist at the dinner table. Even if he could talk, most of his stories would probably center around that worthless manchild Mr. Sanderson. I wouldn’t want him to waste his batteries while we inhaled turkey and mashed potatoes, anyway. Once the table’s cleared, Chibi-Robo could get to work vacuuming up crumbs, scouring grease spots off the tablecloth, and snatching up errant cranberries. If he had time left over, we could call Nintendo repeatedly and demand a proper Chibi-Robo sequel. Park Patrol doesn’t count.
Joe Juba – Francis York Morgan (Deadly Premonition)
Any family weirdness at your Thanksgiving would be dwarfed compared to the awkwardness that Agent York brings to the table. After introducing himself to the family (“Just call me York. That’s what everyone calls me.”), he would freak out the relatives by incessantly tapping his chest and talking to an imaginary friend named Zach. He’s also bound to explain how he’s going to use the leftovers to make a turkey, strawberry jam, and cereal sandwich. No one’s going to have time to nitpick, criticize the cooking, or nurse old grudges with York delivering the crazy on all fronts.
Kimberley Wallace – Varric Tethras (Dragon Age II)
Varric not only knows how to tell a good story, it feels like he has an infinite amount of them. He’d be the perfect comedic relief for any family gathering: fast to call out any relative's ridiculous antics with his barbed silver tongue. Plus, we know Varric likes his alcohol, which makes him the perfect drinking buddy to indulge with during the holiday. Still, you might have to call him out for exaggerating one thing or another – he's not to be trusted. He’d definitely bring the entertainment and make the holiday memorable.
Jeff Marchiafava – Wrex (Mass Effect Series)
If you’re going to invite a video game character to Thanksgiving, why not go big? Wrex would make one hell of a dinner guest, bringing plenty of lively conversation to your gathering. Well, Wrex probably wouldn’t do much chatting, but everyone else would surely be talking about him – mostly in hushed voices from across the room. Wrex would also be easy to feed; Krogans seem fond of fish, and I don’t think you’d even have to cook it beforehand.
Here’s another bonus: Do your relatives like arguing about politics and religion? Let’s see how long the bickering lasts when Wrex flips over the kids table and screams “Blood Rage!”
Yep, nothing could possibly go wrong by inviting Wrex to Thanksgiving.
Tim Turi – Tomahawk Man (Mega Man 6)
You can make many arguments for why certain video game characters should be present at a Thanksgiving dinner. Just one look at Mega Man 6’s Tomahawk Man is all it takes to realize why he’s an obvious necessity at any Thanksgiving dinner: Using that blade to cut the deliciously moist turkey. Yum!
Mike Mahardy – Harry Tipper (The Timesplitters Series)
I recently invited Harry Tipper (from the Timesplitters series) to a Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I was anxiously awaiting his reply, as my Uncle Bob, who’s still stuck in the '70s, never really has anyone to talk to. So, naturally, I invited someone who still actually lives in the time period. Harry declined though, as he was busy exposing a nuclear weapons dealer and getting fitted for his bell bottoms. I was sure they’d kick it off, discussing everything from the psychedelic nature of shag carpets to the potency of armor-piercing rounds. It’s a huge shame. There’s always Christmas though, as long as Harry doesn’t bring his girlfriend Kitten Celeste with him. She’s been known to scarf down all of the green bean casserole before I can get my hands on it.
O’Dell Harmon – Blue Yoshi
For our lovely Thanksgiving activities, I would have Yoshi over. Blue Yoshi to exact, because his awesomeness is firing on all cylinders. First off, Yoshi is a great conversationalist. No matter how good or bad a story is, you'll always get a “Wooowwww” out of him. He just likes to spread the love. When it’s time for the food, he can eat it all, but won’t simply because he has good manners. More importantly, he will gladly eat all the undesirable chaff in one gulp. With Yoshi, fruit cake nightmares are a thing of the past. You need someone to pass the gravy from 20 feet away? Yoshi has you covered all day, every day! When everything is going well and you’re too lazy to move from food coma, blue Yoshi will sprout wings from being stuffed and fly you to the couch to enjoy some good ole television while everyone else struggles to get up.
Which character would you invite to your Thanksgiving table and why? Share your choice in the comments below.