The Best And Worst Characters Of PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale
Sony has put together a ragtag crew of characters for its upcoming brawler. Some of them are right at home pummeling opponents. Others? Not so much. Let the praise/mocking begin.
I don't play a lot of fighting games, but I do know a thing or two about breaking down the best and worst characters in games, which is exactly what PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale needs. Seriously, did anyone vet this list of fighters? It's just plain irresponsible to march some of these contenders to their certain doom. But before we get to the losers, let's take a look at the fighters you're going to want to make a mad dash for at the character-select screen.
The Best of Battle Royale:
Look, there's only one god-killer in this game, and he happens to be extremely good at it. Kratos has made a career of slaughtering impossibly powerful bosses that tower over him, oftentimes finishing them off in horrifically gruesome ways. Heck, he ripped Helios' head off and then used it as a lantern for the rest of God of War III. Does anyone think he's not going to be the champion of Battle Royale?
Devil May Cry's iconic demon hunter is another obvious choice. Seriously, Dante hunts demons for a living; I think he handle a lombax. If Dante's profession isn't enough to convince you, consider the fact that he himself is half-demon. Actually, that kind of makes him a hypocrite, but no less of a badass. Dante also has a variety of demonic and angelic weapons at his disposal, including his iconic sword Rebellion. Even if it is the new emo Dante, he's still an easy choice.
You know what comes in handy in a fight? Super powers. Cole Macgrath has all kinds of crazy super powers, and unlike good Cole, evil Cole isn't held back by stupid morality. Instead of whining about civilians or his dumb girlfriend Trish, evil Cole's biggest moral quandary is whether to kill everyone with fire or lightning. Spoiler: the answer is always "both."
Heihachi might not have awesome mystical powers like some of the characters on this list, but he's been dominating in fighting tournaments since most of Battle Royale's contenders were in diapers. How tough is Heihachi? Once upon a time, Heihachi got tossed off a cliff by his vengeful son, who made a pact with the devil to beat his father. Heihachi responded by crawling back out, beating everyone in the next King of Iron Fist tournament, and then throwing his son into a volcano. It won't win him any Father of the Year awards, but it makes for a pretty impressive bullet point on your fighting resume.
Big Daddy might not be the toughest video game enemy (after all, you kill about a dozen of them in the first BioShock), but he does have a giant drill at his disposal, along with a variety of plasmids. That's still a heck of a lot better than Sly's pimp cane. Also, look at how big his fist is! Imagine getting walloped with that giant mitt...
Coming Up Next: Five characters you'd be a fool to choose...
The Worst of Battle Royale:
I love LittleBigPlanet as much as the next guy, but Sackboy isn't ready for the harsh realities of combat. He's got a gun that shoots cake, for crying out loud – that might work on Fat Princess, but that's about it. I guess he can also jump on opponents' heads, but Sweet Tooth is still going to stab the stuffing out of him in no time. Unless Battle Royale allows you to kill your opponents with cuteness, Sackboy better stay on the sidelines.
Are you kidding me? Spike?! This kid's credentials begin and end with rounding up monkeys who used the professor's time machine to travel back in history in Ape Escape. That's it. He could barely get a job as a zookeeper, and we're supposed to believe he could compete with the likes of Kratos? Heck, even the monkeys would be a better choice.
Ah, so this is what the bottom of the barrel looks like. Toro is known as the Sony Cat, and is essentially a sales mascot for the PlayStation in Japan – basically he's Kevin Butler, only he's a cat. Toro has been in his own trivia game and has made cameos in other games like Everybody's Golf 5, but let's face it; this cat ain't ready for primetime. Toro's official bio states: "An unabashed fan of games, Toro is thrilled to finally meet so many of his heroes." Maybe he's hoping his idols will take pity on him – we certainly do.
PaRappa the Rapper
PaRappa does know this isn't a rap battle, right? I guess he's better than the cat, but still, PaRappa doesn't have much going for him. PaRappa's bio says that he has formidable combat skills after being trained by Chop Chop Master Onion. To summarize: Kratos was a captain of Sparta's army who honed his killing skills by massacring every God in Greek mythology. PaRappa learned karate from an onion. PaRappa's only hope is that his opponents are so stupefied by the sight of a rapping dog that they can't defend themselves.
Fat Princess will have her cake and eat it too. Then she'll get trounced by every other character in the game, including that stupid cat.
Think my picks are way off? Check out the full PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale roster, and share your favorites in the comments below.