Feature

The Best Pokémon Of Black And White 2

by Jeff Marchiafava on Oct 08, 2012 at 11:30 AM

Pokémon Black and White introduced players to a fifth generation of Pokémon, bringing the total number of pocket monsters to just under a billion. With so many Pokémon available, how is a trainer supposed to know which ones are the best? Simple: I'm about to tell you which ones are the best. So grab a pen and some paper – you're going to want to take notes.

I'm obviously a Pokémon expert, as evident by my stunning analysis of some of the new Pokémon in the original Black and White. However, because I have yet to play Version 2, I asked my fellow editor Kyle to give me his picks of the best Generation V Pokémon, so that I might provide my professional assessment of them for your edification. However, it didn't take me long to realize his picks are all horrible, so after analyzing his pathetic lineup, I'm also providing what are obviously the real best Gen V Pokémon. Let the learning begin!

Kyle's Horrendous Picks:

Pignite
Kyle told me Tepig was his starter Pokémon, so I'm guessing he thinks Pignite is awesome because of his own silly, sentimental attachment. There are two problems with this. First, Oshawott is clearly the best starting Pokémon from B&W (though Tepig is still better than that snooty jerkbag Snivy). Second, why would he pick Pignite and not Emboar? He probably wasn't good enough to evolve his Pignite to its final form. Regardless, Pignite is still pretty good.
Official Pokémon Rating (as decided by me): 5

Watchog
I already made fun of Watchog in my previous analysis – specifically, I questioned how good of a lookout Watchog can be if he got caught by a trainer in the first place. Especially Kyle! Watchog does look incredibly pissed off, though, so he can probably intimidate weenie Pokémon like Deerling.
Official Pokémon Rating: 4.5

Herdier
I'm seriously starting to question Kyle's Pokémon-choosing abilities. Herdier isn't even a Pokémon. He's a Scottish Terrier. Guess what happens if you try and make a couple of Scottish Terriers fight each other? You go to jail for dog fighting, that's what. I'm calling the ASPCA, Kyle!
Official Pokémon Rating: N/A
Official Dog Rating: 2

Tirtouga
Tirtouga ends up being better than most of Kyle's choices, but I have to wonder: Why do we need another turtle Pokémon when we've already got Squirtle? I get that Tirtouga is a Water/Rock hybrid Pokémon, but it still seems like he's horning in on Squirtle's game, and Squirtle is straight up O.G. – I certainly wouldn't mess with him.
Official Pokémon Rating: 6 (Squirtle's Official Pokémon Rating: 10)

Musharna
Kyle obviously didn't read my previous Pokémon analysis, because Musharna is another disturbing selection that I already took to task. This is what I wrote previously:

"My God, this Pokémon is still a fetus! What kind of sicko is going to make a fetus fight?" 

Clearly we now have the answer: Kyle is that kind of sicko.
Official Pokémon Rating: 0

Coming Up Next: More lousy picks by Kyle...

Solosis
What is with Kyle's obsession with Pokémon that haven't even had a chance to fully form yet? Solosis is still embryonic, for crying out loud. I think it's clear what's going on here: Kyle isn't very good at Pokémon, so he picks the weakest monsters he can find in order to have an excuse when he loses. In that sense, Solosis is a great choice.
Official Pokémon Rating: 0
Official Pokémon Rating For People Who Want To Lose: 10

Yamask
Yamask? More like Yakiddingme? This Pokémon's entire persona is built around its mask, which it just holds with its tail. What do Yamasks even do with their masks? According to the Pokédex, "Sometimes they look at it and cry." That doesn't sound helpful at all! Yamasks are even worse than their evolved form, Cofagrigus, which we all know is just a sarcophagus with wacky arms and legs.
Official Pokémon Rating: Dumb

Minccino
I have absolutely no problem with this pick.
Official Pokémon Rating: 10

Deino
Apparently, Deino thinks he's a member of The Beatles. I never thought I'd type this sentence, but this dragon needs to get a haircut. However, a mop-top dragon is still technically a dragon, so he's got that going for him. Also, Deino is a Dark/Dragon hybrid, which is better than a Rainbow/Dragon hybrid, or Candycorn/Dragon hybrid, or whatever other stupid Pokémon types there are. However, Deino can ultimately evolve into Hydreigon, at which point his front legs turn into two more heads. That's way cooler than Deino, Kyle.
Official Pokémon Rating: Less Cool Than Hydreigon

Beartic
Hey, what do you know? Kyle finally picked a cool Pokémon! Granted, a blindfolded monkey could've picked better Pokémon than my fellow editor did, but this selection (almost) makes up for it. Beartic is classified as a Freezing Pokémon, who is actually made out of ice, and his level one ability is called Superpower. That's right, Beartic starts with Superpower.

More than anything else, I'm just impressed that Kyle didn't pick Beartic's unevolved form, Cubchoo (the snot-dripping teddy on the right).
Official Pokémon Rating: 9

Now that we've suffered through Kyle's horrendous picks, let's take a look at what are actually the best Pokémon of Black and White Version 2, as chosen by a professional...

The Real Best Pokémon:

Samurott
I wasn't kidding when I said Oshawott was the obvious choice for a starting Pokémon, and Samurott is the reason why. He's got a badass horny shell on his head, the mustache and beard of a wizened master, and as his name implies, he's part samurai. Oshawott's goofy seashell (which still kind of looks like a wang to me) even evolves into awesome Shell Armor, and judging from Samurott's pecs, this Pokémon is ripped. Need further proof? Samurott's species is listed as Formidable Pokémon. 'nuff said.
Official Pokémon Rating: 10

Simisage
Simisage is a Thorn Monkey species of Pokémon, and judging from his picture, he clearly knows how to rock. He's got an Elvis-like coif, a barbed tail that he attacks his opponents with, and big, funny monkey ears. He also has an ability called gluttony – just like Kevin Spacey in Seven. Simisage is so cool that he's giving himself the thumbs-up, which is well deserved.
Official Pokémon Rating: 10 And A Thumbs-Up

Gurdurr
I'm pretty sure Gurdurr is the strongest Pokémon in all of Pokéworld. It's classified as a Muscular Pokémon, it's a Fighting-type Pokémon, and its abilities are Guts, Sheer Force, and Iron Fist. Also, it's holding a steal beam over its head! Look at all of its bulging muscles – Gurdurr is so strong it's kind of gross. If you need more evidence, the Pokédex describes Gurdurr as follows:

"This Pokémon is so muscular and strongly built that even a group of wrestlers could not make it budge an inch."

Let's see your Musharna stand up to that, Kyle.
Official Pokémon Rating: 10

Throh
I didn't even know Pokémon wear clothes, but Throh is wearing a gi, and he's a black belt to boot. Like Gurdurr, Throh is also a straight-up Fighting-type Pokémon, and his species is Judo Pokémon. Throhs are so strong they don't even evolve – that's right, not even evolution can improve them.
Official Pokémon Rating: Better Than Evolution

Minccino
Like I said, I have absolutely no problem with this pick. Minccino is adorable!
Official Pokémon Rating: 10

Coming Up Next: Five More Amazing Pokémon...

 

Darmanitan
Here's another heavy hitter that Kyle completely passed up. Darmanitan is classified as a Blazing Pokémon, which explains why its eyebrows are on fire. As if a fire ape isn't scary enough, here's Darmanitan's Pokédex description:

"Its internal fire burns at 2,500º F, making enough power that it can destroy a dump truck with one punch."

2,500º F is the melting point of steel. Steel. Not even the Terminator could withstand molten steel! Now that's a Pokémon!
Official Pokémon Rating: Stronger Than Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

Galvantula
If you ever ran into a Galvantula, you might just dismiss it as a semi-creepy bug. It would be the last mistake you ever make; as soon as you turned around, it would shoot electric webs out of its fangs to shock you into submission. Then it would eat you. Don't believe me that Nintendo would approve such a sinister Pokémon? To the Pokédex entry:

"They employ an electrically charged web to trap their prey. While it is immobilized by shock, they leisurely consume it."

Notice, Galvantula doesn't just consume its electrified foes – it leisurely consumes them, like it's no big thing. Even a Xenomorph would shudder and run away from one of these things.
Official Pokémon Rating: 10

Golurk
Let's be honest: Golurk is basically The Iron Giant, from that one movie whose name I can't remember. It might not be all that original, but that doesn't make Golurk any less badass. Golurk is classified as an Automaton Pokémon – for those who don't know, "Automaton" is Latin for "Giant robot that kills everything in its path." Its Pokédex entry makes it sound even cooler:

"It flies across the sky at Mach speeds. Removing the seal on its chest makes its internal energy go out of control."

So basically Golurk is a giant bomb that travels faster than the speed of sound. Which of Kyle's Pokémon wants to go up against that?
Official Pokémon Rating: Supersonic Robot Bomb

Genesect
This robot bug might not look as scary as some of the other Pokémon on this list, but he's got quite the backstory. Genesect is a Paleozoic Pokémon that was originally alive 300 million years ago, when it was "feared as the strongest of hunters," according to the Pokédex. Then it was resurrected by Team Plasma, which made it even stronger by adding a cannon to its back. Quick side note: if you ever decide to use science to resurrect an ancient being feared for its unparalleled hunting skills, don't give it a cannon.

Predictably, Genesect broke out of the lab and has never been seen again. To make matters worse, its cannon can be equipped with four different drives, endowing it with the powers of all four elemental types of normal Pokémon.

No one knows the story behind Genesect's name; fans believe it either means "genesis bug" or "genetic bug." I have my own theory: In Japanese, this terrifying creature is actually called Genosect – I'm guessing the real meaning of its name is "genocide bug."
Official Pokémon Rating: Genocide Bug

Thundurus
There's not much to say, other than that Thundurus ain't screwing around. Thundurus is a Legendary Pokémon, and is classified as a Bolt Strike Pokémon. All of his abilities sound amazing: Uproar, Astonish, Thundershock, Nasty Plot...Okay, I don't know about that last one, but the others are pretty cool.

I know what you're thinking: "I've already got a Pikachu, what do I need a Thundurus for?" Let's compare their Pokédex entries, shall we?

Here's Pikachu's Pokédex entry from Pokémon Yellow:

"It keeps its tail raised to monitor its surroundings. If you yank its tail, it will try to bite you."

Here's the entry for Thundurus:

"Countless charred remains mar the landscape of places which Thundurus has passed."

Official Pokémon Rating: Holy Sh--.

Despite my expertise, I referenced The Pokémon Wiki a bunch while writing this article. If you're looking to expand your Pokéknowledge even further, check out their site.