Feature

The Top 10 Top 10 Lists I Never Got Around To Finishing In 2011

by Jeff Cork on Dec 30, 2011 at 05:00 AM

As you've probably noticed by now, Top 10 lists are one of the cornerstones of gaming websites. In fact, ICANN, the governing body that manages URLs, requires that all video-game-related sites post at least one (1) Top 10 list each week before they're approved. Applicants are strongly encouraged (but not required) to post a minimum of four photographs of cakes each month, along with six up-skirt photos of plastic anime dolls. Sometimes those lists are hard to write, as this feature will prove.

Here are some of the Top 10 lists that I fully intended on writing and posting this past year. Unfortunately, as great as all of these ideas were, deadlines and breaking news sometimes got in the way. Here are my Top 10 unfinished Top 10s of the year.

Alex Kidd's Top 10 Vehicles
Alex's pedicopter and motorcycle are absolutely amazing vehicles. Unfortunately, aside from a boat and pogo stick (both terrible), that's basically the extent of his driving prowess. ***.

 

The Top 10 Animal Anuses
I started working on this list during a particular dark stretch in my life. Okamiden and Costume Quest both provided excellent examples for this hard-hitting look at...you know. Unfortunately, it appears as though The Last Guardian has been cancelled before I could determine if it would earn a spot on the Top 10.

 

The Top 10 Draculas
Aside from the vampire in Monster in My Pocket and the Lynx game Dracula: The Undead, there aren't any other versions of the iconic vampire in any other games. It's pretty odd, considering that he seems like a pretty good boss candidate. Come on, video game industry!

 

The Top 10 Ladders
I've always been a big fan of a particular ladder in Rush'n Attack (the leftmost one in the right-hand picture), and the ladder in Charlie's Angels is absolutely unforgettable. I'd already written seven pages for this feature when Game Informer's Ben Reeves took me off the project. That was especially strange, considering that he's not my boss.

 

The Top 10 Nipples In Gaming
I started working on this list during a particularly bright period in my life. Ms. Pac-Man is an early example of something slipping past the ESRB censors, with the ratings board apparently mistaking the telltale pixel for a beauty mark. Super Punch-Out!!'s Bear Hugger actually has a row of nipples like a pig, but his bib overalls obscure them in the above screengrab.

 

The 10 Best UPCs In Games
For this list, I was going to check out the back of those game boxes and get down to business. Which games had the coolest UPCs? I worked my way through most of the GI vault trying to determine just that before I was told to get out of the GI vault. I was able to snap pictures of two of the most notable examples, however. I think the symmetry of Halo 3's code is pretty great, but when it comes down to a bold series of 8s, it's tough to beat Rocky for the Xbox. Yo, Adrian!

 

The Top 10 Vending Machines
Here's how you can tell if a game is any good. If there's a piano, you should be able to jump on it and make piano music (also known as "music" for you musical illiterates). If you see a vending machine, you should be able to shoot it and have money fly everywhere. Here are a couple of vending machines, from Blacksite: Area 51 and Gears of War 3. I don't know if you can shoot the one in Gears. I forgot to try. Maybe that's why this list never went anywhere.

 

The Top 10 Ugliest Kids In The Legend Of Zelda Series
Who could forget Wind Wakers' booger boy, or Groose's creepy little sidekick? I couldn't, no matter how I tried! Fortunately, capturing these two images fixed that problem for me, so I didn't feel the urge to take this idea any further.

 

The 10 Best Games With One-Wheeled Protagonists
This was a great idea, but I couldn't think of any other candidates besides UniWheelies. ***.