Feature

Spoilers For Stupid People

by Jeff Marchiafava on Sep 03, 2010 at 07:00 AM

No matter how trivial a piece of information for an upcoming game is, there's always a gamer out there who will complain that it's a spoiler. It's annoying, and while we could try resolve the problem by devising a list of criteria that defines what a legitimate spoiler is, we figured it would be more worthwhile to mock these crybabies with a list of humorously obvious spoilers instead. Warning: Don't read this if you are stupid.

Halo: Reach
Spoiler: Halo: Reach will end with the fall of the planet Reach.

We begin this feature with the biggest spoiler of them all - the ending to Bungie's last Halo game. Halo: Reach is going to end with the planet Reach being destroyed by the alien Covenant. It's as big of a shocker as Snape killing Dumbledore, and we're just getting started. We have it on good authority that Master Chief will escape the destruction of Reach. Pretty juicy info, huh? 

Mass Effect 3
Spoiler: The third installment of BioWare's sci-fi RPG will have aliens in it.

Mass Effect 2's final sequence depends largely on the choices you made while playing the game, so it would be hard to spoil all of the ending permutations that are possible. Instead, we'll blow an even bigger fact about Mass Effect 3: it's got aliens. Big aliens with little beady eyes; little aliens with big oval-shaped eyes; at least one humanoid species that you can have sex with - the sequel is going to have so many aliens that you'd think it was set in space or something.

Dragon Age 2
Spoiler: Dragon Age 2 will have more than 1,000 novels' worth of in-game text that no one will ever read.

Triple-A RPG franchises like Dragon Age have such a deep and intricate lore that the main narratives of the games can't possibly include everything there is to know about the world. Enter Dragon Age's Codex, which compiles the title's entire back story into a categorized index of knowledge. At the risk of ruining the entire game for you, Dragon Age 2 will pack even more of the universe's lore that you won't read. Have fun skimming a few paragraphs of the first entry, then only taking notice of new entries when they give you EXP or new side quests.

Metal Gear Solid: Rising
Spoiler:
MGS: Rising's storyline will contain innumerous, nonsensical plot twists.
Not much information about Rising has been made public so far, other than that the title will star MGS 2's Raiden, and will feature an impressive "free slicing" ability during the game's swordplay. But here's a little spoiler for ya: MGS Rising's story will go from 'I think I know what's going on...' to 'wait, what?!' real fast. What else would you expect from a series full of secret societies, evil twins, and bosses name Psycho Mantis and Fatman?

Modern Warfare 3
Spoiler: Your multiplayer experience in Modern Warfare 3 will be ruined by racist a**holes.

As soon as Modern Warfare 3 launches, its multiplayer will surely become the most-played game on any console. Equally inevitable is the fact that once you start playing the anticipated shooter online, your enjoyment of the game will be hamstringed by the expansive array of verbal abuse being spewed through the headsets of your opponents. You'll hear more insults and cursing in Modern Warfare 3 than you would if you brought up Activision's management techniques around Respawn Entertainment's water cooler.

Tekken X Street Fighter
Spoiler: The storyline to Tekken X Street Fighter is going to be stupid.
We love the Tekken and Street Fighter series, so we can't wait to see them together. One thing we're not looking forward to, however, is the storyline. Both titles weave together a smattering of nonsensical plots to explain why each character is partaking in their respective tournament, so you know whatever universe-melding phenomenon that serves as the plot of Tekken X Street Fighter is going to be completely idiotic. Its sister game Street Fighter X Tekken, on the other hand, will be the video game equivalent of Citizen Kane.

Pokémon Black & White
Spoiler:
The latest editions of Pokémon will have way too many g**damn Pokémon.
The first Pokémon games, Pokémon Red and Blue, had 151 different species of Pokémon.  The latest game, Pokémon Platinum, contained over 15 million billion species. The official number of Pokémon for the Black and White versions should simply be listed as "too many." We hope the plot of Black and White centers on all the different species of Pokémon uniting under the shared cause of overthrowing their cruel masters, who force the peace-loving animals to fight each other for their own sick amusement. The enslavement of Pokémon must end!

Grand Theft Auto V
Spoiler: You're not going to finish Grand Theft Auto V.

We're pretty sure we know how the storyline to a potential GTA V would go: You do a bunch of missions for different gangs, you get betrayed at some point, and people you care about end up dying. But we're not even going to bother making up a more elaborate ending for GTA V, because the truth is, you're never going to see it anyway. Instead you'll play a dozen missions and then get distracted by odd jobs, hidden collectibles, and completely pointless but entertaining stuff, like pushing people into traffic.

Portal 2
Spoiler:
Portal 2's co-op will make your spouse not talk to you.
Despite being a single-player game, the original Portal has been appreciated by many couples, whether both partners are gamers or not. Even a person with no interest in video games can still help their loved one solve Portal's challenging and entertaining puzzles, without having to worry about dual analog controls or tricky timing. The couple could simply sit together, talk about where they had to shoot each colored portal, and laugh together when things unexpectedly went wrong.

That positive experience was probably enough for your partner to be excited about Portal 2's new co-op mode. But with all the mind-bending new elements and requirement that both participants must control a character in conjunction with one another, it's only a matter of time until your loved one is going to throw down their controller and storm out of the room. Then you'll have a real challenge to solve: How to avoid sleeping on the couch for the night.

Duke Nukem Forever
Spoiler:
Duke Nukem Forever will not live up to your expectations.
Duke Nukem Forever is a tragic joke for gamers. After a nearly 13-year development cycle, DNF's staff was laid off and development of the repeatedly-delayed game was officially halted. Recent rumors suggest that the game may still see the light of day, but it would only result the saddest spoiler of them all: The game won't be worth the wait. We have no doubt that the wise-cracking hero's antics would be epic, but you would have to plug your brain directly into the game Matrix-style to justify its error-riddled development. 

UPDATE: Is it possible I spoke too soon? Duke Nukem Forever has now been confirmed for a 2011 release date, and is being finished by Gearbox. You can read our first impressions here, but so far it looks pretty awesome!

UPDATE #2: Nope, I didn't speak to soon, the game was pretty terrible. Looks like I'm omniscient after all!

Half-Life 2: Episode 3
Spoiler: Half-Life 2: Episode 3's ending will make you want another sequel.
And that sequel will not come out for another 20 years.