It's been a couple of rough years for Activision. It seems like every couple of months the publishing giant does something that has gamers crying foul. Why, just this week Activision has been called sexist for allegedly refusing to make games starring women, and has been accused of trying to steal Greg Hastings' identity. Preying on pro paintball players? Have you no shame, Activision?
But what gamers have to realize is that for a giant corporation, Activision isn't really that evil. And to prove it, we've put together this list of evil things Activision hasn't done yet. By the time you finish reading these devilishly menacing deeds, you'll be grateful for just how fair and generous Activision is. On the other hand, if Activision really is that evil, we may have just posted a list of goals for the publisher to complete in 2011. We probably should have thought of that earlier...
Evil Deed #1: Make The Protagonist Of Bungie's Next Title A Familiar Face
Bungie has been making Halo games for a long time, but now
that the developer has inked a ten
year partnership with Activision, they finally have a chance to spread
their wings and try something new.
But not too new - that would be risky. Instead, Activision could force Bungie to make their next game star a recognizable character. It can't be Master Chief, since Microsoft owns him, so instead Activision could choose Call of Duty's Ghost. Beyond that, Bungie would have complete creative freedom - as long as Ghost eventually gets sent on a mission in outer space, encountering alien species with names like peons, hyenas, nobles, and thugs, and then eventually teams up with an alien called the Arbitrator. Now flex those creative muscles, Bungie!
Evil Deed #2: The Price of Modern Warfare 3
Sooner or later we're going to get a Modern Warfare 3, and when we do, Activision will surely capitalize on the brand name as much as they can. Sure, they could just charge more money for it, but that would be mundane. Instead, Activision could require a one-time use code to activate Modern Warfare 3's multiplayer. The catch? The code is only available in copies of Tony Hawk: Shred. How else are they going to get that game off the shelves?
Activision could also introduce new gameplay fees - but not a simple subscription fee or microtransactions. Instead they should take a cue from Chris Rock, and charge players by the bullet. Would taking that risky sniper shot from across Wasteland be worth it if it cost a quarter to pull the trigger? It would be a tough decision, but no one ever said war was easy.
Evil Deed #3: Delay Diablo 3, Just Because They Can
Now that StarCraft II is out, Blizzard fans can move on to pining for the next installment of Diablo. It's already been 10 long years since Diablo II came out, but when Blizzard finally finishes the game, Activision could delay its release even further.
The publisher could use the typical excuses for a delay - they want to wait until the holiday season, or release in a less crowded window. But if Activision really wants to be evil, they could orchestrate an elaborate, Lebron James-style press conference, and declare that they're going to sit on Diablo III purely for s***s and giggles.
Evil Deed #4: Retroactively Remove Women From All Activision
Titles
So, apparently Activision thinks games starring women don't sell well enough to warrant making them. Does it stand to reason that games already on the market could sell even better if they packed in more man meat?
There's only one way to find out - Activision could issue mandatory software updates for all of their previous titles, that strip out any characters with two X chromosomes. We suggest Activision looks for loopholes in Shia LaBeouf's Transformers contract, and then use him to replace the female Night Elves in WoW - that would be evil and hilarious!
Evil Deed #5: Destroy Another Goliath
Perhaps Activision's biggest blunder has been their handling of Infinity Ward. After they delivered two of the most profitable games of all time, Activision fired IW heads Jason West and Vince Zampella, allegedly to gain control of the Modern Warfare franchise. The result has been a mass exodus of senior IW employees and a big fat lawsuit for Activision - but that doesn't mean the strategy can't work.
If Activision wanted to try again, we suggest taking aim at the biggest and most respected developer they don't already own - Rockstar. Then they could disband the Grand Theft Auto, Max Payne, Red Dead, and L.A. Noire teams, and turn all the franchises over to Treyarch.
In order for this daring plan to work, Activision would have to buy Rockstar's parent company, Take-Two. It would undoubtedly be costly, but as an added bonus it would give them control over 2K as well, meaning they could jeopardize BioShock, Civilization, and Mafia, too. Man, Treyarch is going to be busy!
Evil Deed #6: Throw Singularity Under The Bus Again
We're no business majors, but usually publishers tend to advertise the games that they're publishing, so that gamers realize they exist and want to buy them. So when Singularity limped into stores with little to no fanfare, we mistakenly took it as an indictment of the game's quality. It was only after we got our hands on it that we realized what an entertaining and creative title it is. Sure, it has a lot in common with BioShock, but that doesn't make it any less fun to play.
We don't know why Activision was so hesitant to showcase Singularity to gamers - maybe they thought reviews wouldn't be favorable, or they don't see a future for the franchise. Whatever the reason, this miscarriage is a trick worth repeating if Activision wants to be the definitive bad guy. Maybe they could tell Raven Software that they were really surprised by Singularity's positive reception, and that they want to do a sequel. Then as the team nears completion, Activision could change up the release date, remove all mention of the game from its website, and reply to any inquiries about the game by stating "Singuwhatnow?" It would be another costly undertaking for Activision, but as far as unwarranted burns go, it would be priceless.
Evil Deed #7: Mess With World Of Warcraft
Let's face it; even if Activision is evil, the publisher has a large portion of the gaming community (including more than a few of our editors) by the balls. WoW is like digital crack, and Activision is the only dealer on the block with what they crave. Activision knows it, and even though they already rake in monthly subscription fees from gamers, there's always room for more profit.
Here's our recommendation: Giant, obnoxious in-game billboards for other Activision titles. Activision could plaster them all over WoW's zones. They could also play unskippable commercials every time you travel from one zone to another. There a ton of more ways Activision could monetize WoW's gameplay, that would make a lot of fiscal sense for...we're going to shut up now.
Evil Deed #8: Real ID 2.0
Real ID was technically Blizzard's idea, but we're guessing Activision execs probably got more than a little excited at all the backlash coming from enraged gamers. In order to be truly evil, Activision could take a bad idea and make it worse.
Introducing Real ID 2.0. Instead of going by their real names in the forums, WoW players would instead be identified by their Social Security numbers. Clicking on a comment would redirect you to the player's profile, which would include their address, telephone number, any valid credit card numbers they have, and photocopies of at least three forms of government-issued ID. A brief bio would detail each player's most embarrassing moment in life, any weird sex fetishes they have, and their deepest and darkest secret in the whole wide world. How would Activision get such information? I don't know - by creating some kind of evil mind-reading machine or something...
Evil Deed #9: Dishonor Kurt Cobain's Legacy...More So
Activision fell under heavy scrutiny for allowing Kurt Cobain's likeness to be used in all sorts of embarrassing, non-Nirvana songs - allegedly without the consent of his widow, Courtney Love. The damage has already been done, so why not take defamation of character to a whole new level?
Activision could make Kurt Cobain the surprise final boss in WoW's Cataclysm expansion. Imagine it: After slogging through the final dungeon for hours and slaying all of Deathwing's underlings, you finally confront the colossal dragon. Those who are powerful enough to survive his attacks and witness the demise of Deathwing must then look on in confounded horror as the boss's final form rises from the ashes: Kurt Cobain. Just as a spoken narrative chimes in to explain the absurd plot twist, Kurt Cobain interrupts the voice by casting Smells Like Teen Spirit on your entire party, instantly vaporizing and returning your crew back to the very beginning of the dungeon.
The payoff for beating Kurt Cobain would be totally worth it though: Defeating him not only gives you the title 'Legacy Slayer,' but also awards you a Kurt Cobain pet, which would follow you around, happily chirping the lyrics to other people's songs.
Suddenly Kurt Cobain singing "Play That Funky Music" doesn't seem so bad, does it?
Evil Deed #10: A Mandatory Message From Bobby Kotick
When Activision President Bobby Kotick stated that he wanted to "take all the fun out of making video games," most people assumed he was trying to make some kind of point about the business side of the industry. But what if he really just doesn't want games to be fun?
In order to drive home the point that games shouldn't be fun, Kotick could institute a new splash screen to the beginning of every Activision game. After a golden Activision logo fades in on screen, Bobby Kotick's head would pop through the 'O,' growling like the MGM lion. A booming voice would then state Activision's new slogan: "Do Not Enjoy Playing This Game." After a few seconds of silence, the message repeats. Fifteen more times.
Evil Deed #11: Stepping Up Sequels
Activision has a history of putting out endless sequels to its successful franchises. But with rivals like Ubisoft planning to release annual installments of its popular series, Activision is going to have to step it up to stay ahead of the competition.
Activision could introduce monthly titles of all your favorite franchises. We're not talking about episodic content, or hiring a bunch of new developers to work concurrently on the same series. Just have the same development team make 12 games a year - after all, how hard is it to slap the name "Call of Duty" on a box? Kotick has been stating his interest in a monthly subscription for the CoD franchise for awhile now - this could be a good compromise.
Evil Deed #12: No Peripheral, No Game
If games like Tony Hawk Ride and DJ Hero have taught us anything, it's that gamers love shelling out cash for extra peripherals. In addition to monthly sequels, a more sinister Activision could boost their profits with this bold new initiative: Every game must ship with a peripheral that's mandatory for playing the game. They wouldn't even have to be a central part of the gameplay; for instance, Modern Warfare 3 could require a $100 gadget shaped like an ammo clip that you have to shake to reload your gun.
Additionally, every peripheral should be either so big that it's cumbersome to hold, or so small that it can get lost in your couch cushions. They should also be adorned in obnoxiously bright primary colors, and require obscure and expensive battery types, like 6-Volt lantern batteries, or those tiny little batteries old people put in their hearing aids.
Naturally, no sequel would ever be compatible with the last game's peripheral, either. With 12 new titles and peripherals a year for every franchise, just think of all the money Activision could make!
Evil Deed #13: An Avatar Remake
We know, we know: Ubisoft owns the rights to make games based on James Cameron's film Avatar. We're not talking about making another Avatar video game, or even remaking the film. Activision should pull an Avatar in real life. That is, Activision should invest heavily in space exploration in order to discover a new planet full of lush flora and majestic creatures. Then they could kill said majestic creatures and mine the planet's natural resources. Once Activision finds the rare element that is the panacea to all of mankind's ailments, they could grind it up and use it to fuel their giant money-making machines. Now that's evil.
In other words, you should be happy that Activision isn't really as evil as they could be, or even as evil as some gamers make them out to be. At the end of the day, Activision is just a publishing company trying to make a profit - and we as gamers have gotten some pretty great games out of their business practices.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pray that this parody is just a list of fictional things Activision would never do, and not some tragic prophecy of our impending future, like the kind Christoper Walken was forced to bear witness to in Dead Zone...
This is going to be me some day...