Feature

Why Are You Here? Gaming's Most Out-Of-Place Characters

by Dan Ryckert on Aug 03, 2010 at 12:59 PM

Every once in a while, a character in a game sticks out like a sore thumb. They might fit poorly with the plot, appear out of nowhere, be completely nonsensical, or just look downright stupid (see above). Take a look at the worst misfits in gaming.

Chargin' Chuck - Super Mario World (SNES)

In Mario's nearly 30-year history, he's faced off against a lot of baddies - Goombas, turtles, cacti, mice with sunglasses, dinosaurs, novelty-sized bullets with faces, etc. However odd some of these minions may be, the most head-scratching of them all has to be Chargin' Chuck. We think he's a breed of turtle, but what turtle dresses up like an NFL player? And while we're at it, let's ask the most serious question of all - why is a football player throwing baseballs???

Adolf Hitler - Bionic Commando (NES)

Alright, Hitler...we kinda get why your genocidal face popped up in Wolfenstein 3D. After all, the game is about killing Nazis, and it only makes sense that Blazkowicz would want to kill the Fuhrer himself (doesn't explain the crazy mech suit, though). However, Bionic Commando is a game about a dude with an extending robot arm (if you played the new one, substitute "hot dog wife arm" here). We don't know why exactly Hitler is involved in this plot, all we know is that his head explodes at the end. And that's awesome.

Daytona Car - Fighter's Megamix (Saturn)

We get the concept of Fighter's Megamix. It's kind of like Marvel vs. Capcom, but utilizing characters from Sega's Virtua Fighter and Fighting Vipers series. So why is there a god**** race car in this game?!?!?! Yeah yeah, we know, it's technically because Sega was also seeing success with its Daytona 500 series, but that doesn't make the image of a car fighting on its hind...wheels(?) any more confusing.

Guns 'N' Roses - Mega Man X5 (PSone)

This one's a little odd in that no actual likenesses are used, but each boss character is based off a member of the volatile band. Axel the Red is Axl Rose, Grizzly Slash is (obviously) Slash, Izzy Glow is Izzy Stradlin, and so on. My personal favorite? Bassist Duff McKagan being the basis for a robot whale that shoots blocks of ice. His name? Duff McWhalen.

Yeti - Skifree (PC)

Oh cool, my new Windows 3.1 computer comes with a fun skiing game! Alright, let's start this up. Looks like I can do some tricks after jumping off moguls. That's pretty cool. Oh neat! I can set trees on fire if I flip over them just right! I've been going for a while without crashing. I'm doing pretty goo.....OHMYGODWHATTHE****ISTHATTHINGANDWHYISHEEATINGME?!?!?!?!?!

Everything on your route - Paperboy (NES)

Being a Paperboy is supposed to be a pretty nice gig for an adolescent. You get some exercise and a little extra cash in your pocket to spend at drive-in movies or sock hops or whatever the hell teenagers do. However, this particular paperboy had a route that rivaled anything seen in Dante's Inferno. During one pass through the neighborhood, it's not uncommon to be accosted by break dancers, storm drain death trips, giant house cats, rolling pin-wielding women, tornadoes, and even Death himself.

Mario/Luigi/Peach - NBA Street Vol. 3 (Gamecube)

It's no secret that Nintendo loves its characters. Just take a look at the Wii or DS section of your local game store, and you'll see the portly plumber's mug all over the place. The guy is apparently an expert at soccer, go-karting, baseball, throwing parties, and even getting into the Olympics. However, going up against Allen Iverson is definitely one situation we never saw the mustachioed one getting himself into.

Darth Vader Scorpion - Star Wars (Famicom)

Any self-respecting nerd knows that Darth Vader is an all-powerful Sith lord that few dare to cross. He possesses many Force abilities, but we don't remember "turning into a scorpion" being one of them. But sure enough, Lord Vader transforms into one halfway through your boss fight with him in this Japanese Star Wars title. Someone needs to inform him that The Rock is the only one powerful enough to pull off this trick.

Senile Old Man In A Flaming Clown Head - Twisted Metal 2 (PSone)

Twisted Metal is an inherently silly game. You're playing as psychopaths who drive around the world blowing up landmarks and running over mimes. However, the end of Twisted Metal 2 is weird even considering the series' nature. In what seems like a definite final boss battle, Sweet Tooth's father Dark Tooth emerges from the Hong Kong sewers to take you on. However, after killing him you get the following message: "But wait...what's this? Inside the giant head you see the shriveled figure of an old man! 'Heads up you freak!' the senile fool screams!" Huh? So Sweet Tooth's father is a tiny old man that hangs out in flaming clown heads? And if that's the case, who's driving the truck?

Stryker - Mortal Kombat 3 (SNES/Genesis/Arcade)

**** you, Stryker.

Tons Of Namco Fighting Characters - (Various Consoles)

Picking just one out-of-place character from Namco's lineup is impossible. In the Soul Calibur series, we've seen odd appearances by Link, Spawn, Yoda, and Darth Vader. On the Tekken side of the fence, you have two bears, a boxing kangaroo, a farting dinosaur, and a tree man. That's a lot of combatants you probably won't be seeing in a UFC pay-per-view any time soon.

The Sorrow/Vamp/The Pain - Metal Gear Solid (PS2/PS3)

No one is going to deny that Metal Gear Solid is a weird series. You have psychics, dead brothers that inhabit arms, nuclear robots, and that whole unpleasantness around a cartwheeling, naked Raiden. However, these three are ridiculous even by the weird standard set by Mr. Kojima. One is a ghost that messes with you and sometimes holds up goofy signs if you're looking in the right place. Another is a bisexual vampire that runs on water. Finally, we have a dude named The Pain that throws bees at you. He even makes a tommy gun out of bees (yes, that tommy gun made out of bees shoots bees at you).

Human Love Interest - Sonic the Hedgehog (360)

Full disclosure: I have not played this ill-fated Sonic reboot to completion. However, I know that there is a human female love interest for a cartoon rodent. I'm not ok with this. Not sure if they make out or screw or whatever, but from the YouTube clips I've seen there's a whole lot of frolicking going on. I don't even care what the story is about, there's no reason any of that should be happening on anyone's television.