Ten Games To Soothe Mel Gibson's Soul

Mel Gibson had a stellar Hollywood career for decades, starring in action blockbusters like Lethal Weapon and The Patriot and winning Academy Awards for his work on Braveheart. Unfortunately for him, it’s recently come to light that he’s quite possibly the worst human being on the planet. With lengthy audio tapes leaking to the internet that showcase Mel’s raging sexism, violent behavior, and racism, the guy seems like he could use a helping hand. There’s only so much we can do being video game journalists and all, but we’re not the type to sit on our hands while a troubled soul clearly needs help. Let’s take a look at ten games Mel Gibson should be playing while this firestorm of controversy swirls around him.

EA Sports Active

If you've heard the Gibson tapes, it's obvious that he's extremely out of breath throughout many of them. Many in the media dismissed this as "crazed panting," but we think it probably has more to do with an inadequate workout routine. If Mel could commit 30 minutes a day to EA's workout title on the Wii, we're sure he'd be back to spewing hate-filled racist monologues without having to pause every twenty seconds to sound like even more of a crazy person.

The Sims

We don't think Mel needs to play The Sims to learn how basic human interaction works, as their Simlish language wouldn't be much help. However, we recommend this title so Mel can show future romantic pursuits the correct order of bedroom relations and jacuzzi time. The bedroom is always before the jacuzzi. Trust us, ladies, getting this order correct is crucial if you don't want Mel Gibson burning your house down.

MadWorld

At least one game on this list needs to be given to Mel purely to let off steam, and there's nothing better than MadWorld. On the tapes, Mel discussed how he wanted to cave his girlfriend's skull in with a baseball bat. Unfortunately for him, that kind of behavior will generally land you squarely in prison. Luckily, Sega has just the cure. Why stick with a simple baseball bat when you can throw tires over someone's body, impale their skull, and then throw them into a giant metal grinder?

Dig Dug

On the same tape that Mel threatens to cave his girlfriend's head in with a baseball bat, he also mentions that he's going to "bury her in a ****ing rose garden." If you're gonna do a job, you might as well do it right. This arcade classic can teach Mel proper digging procedure, such as how to avoid Fygars and Pookas. And Mel, we know you'll probably be in a hurry to finish up before the cops come, but you have to grab the pineapple if you see it. Those things are worth 8,000 points.

Xbox Live First-Person Shooters

If there's one place in the world that Mel's rampant sexism, racism, and homophobia would fit right in, it's Xbox Live sessions of Call of Duty and Halo. His voice may be a little more gravelly and insane than most of the 13-year-olds on there, but the message is the same.

Lethal Weapon

Most of us wouldn't gain anything from playing Lethal Weapon on the NES. It was a typical licensed cash-in, and not even old-school nostalgia can save its mediocre gameplay. However, it may mean much more to Mel Gibson than it does to your typical gamer. By taking him back to a time when he was a hot young Hollywood star and had plenty of women, money, and Danny Glover by his side to make everything better, it may be just what he needs to take that noose off from around his neck.

Trauma Center: Second Opinion

Mel mentions numerous times on the tapes that his girlfriend needs a brain transplant and a soul. While Trauma Center can't help with the latter request, it can at least teach him some techniques for brain surgery if he ever chooses to take it that far. Since this is a Wii title, however, you'll want to make sure Mel has plenty of alcohol in his system so the DTs don't cause his hands to shake.

NBA Live 2003

According to the tapes, Mel had to sell his Lakers box seats because he doesn't have any money. While he won't be able to enjoy the thrill of NBA games at the Staples Center anymore, the next best option is in the virtual world. However, pricey video games probably aren't something he can afford right now, so we'd recommend he pick up the 2003 version on the cheap.

Penn & Teller's Smoke and Mirrors - Desert Bus minigame

Speaking about a man he didn't particularly like, Mel mentioned that he wanted to drive him out to the desert, break his kneecaps, and leave him in the heat. He should be given this game under the pretense that it'll prepare him for the long drive out to the desert. However, the minigame takes eight hours to complete, so its real purpose would be to give the police plenty of time to get to Mel and save his hostage.

Imagine Babyz

If you're on this site, odds are that you're a gamer and wouldn't be caught dead playing Imagine Babyz for the DS. However, every game has an audience, and Mel would be prime for this one. You see, Mr. Gibson punched his girlfriend in the face while she was holding their eight month-old baby in her arms. Punching women in the face is generally frowned upon in society, even moreso when they are holding infants. Imagine Babyz doesn't even feature the option to punch, so the crazed Aussie would have no choice but learn a thing or two about child rearing.