Feature

Games The Characters Of Twilight Would Like

by Jeff Marchiafava on Jul 08, 2010 at 01:00 PM

When you work in the video game industry, a lot of people ask you for recommendations on what video games to play. I've pointed apprehensive relatives toward kid-friendly titles, faked my way through baseball sim conversations with sports fans, and suggested more than a few co-op titles for gaming couples. It's always nice to lend a helping hand, but sometimes I crave more of a challenge.

That's why occasionally I like coming up with fantasy recommendations -- games I would suggest to historical figures or fictional characters. For example, what game would I give Abraham Lincoln? Easy: Professor Layton, because he wears a top hat, and I think Lincoln would enjoy the puzzles.

In a shameless effort to get hits however, I'm going to forgo my picks for other dead presidents for something that's guaranteed to be popular: the characters of Twilight. And I'm not going to let my ignorance on the subject stop me. Let's start with the female character.

Edward Cullen:
From what I understand, Edward is a vampire that sparkles when he's in the sunlight. He's also over 100 years old when he starts dating a 17-year-old high school girl. That makes him a pervert in my book and possibly a pedophile, depending on the laws in Washington state. With this in mind, I'd recommend Tecmo's DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball. He'd have a whole cast of young women to ogle and not have sex with, and you can even apply unlimited suntan lotion to the girls before heading out into the sun, which is something I think any vampire would appreciate.


Good news, Edward: Kasumi is underage too!

Backup Pick: DOA's carefree jiggling might be too much excitement for our abstinence-minded friend, so I figured I better have a backup. In that case, I'd recommend Mister Mosquito, because the game's protagonist likes to suck blood (I refuse to recommend a game with actual vampires in it because real vampires don't sparkle).


This is the closest to a naked lady Edward is ever going to get

Now that I think about it, Mister Mosquito also annoys the crap out of people, so I'm pretty sure it's a character Edward would be able to relate to. That makes this title a sure bet. You can get more info on Mister Mosquito from our recent Replay.

Jacob Black:
All I know about this character is that he's a werewolf, yet he has absolutely no chest hair whenever he takes his shirt off (which is apparently ALL THE TIME). He also likes Bella, the girl who can't get that vampire to bite her. Therefore I'm going to label him a jock with questionable taste and recommend Backbreaker. Like Jacob's future, Backbreaker is full of disappointments.

Backup Pick: I'm taking a big leap in assuming that a guy in love with such a lethargic-looking teen could also like sports. But I think I've got another surefire winner for my backup pick. Jacob can turn into a wolf, so I'm pretty sure he'd like Dead to Rights: Retribution, which lets you play as a thug-mauling Alaskan malamute named Shadow.


Shadow sure likes biting guys in the crotch. As for Jacob, the jury is still out

Then again, the fact that Shadow plays second fiddle to his human master might offend Jacob. But I'm guessing the ability to finally pee on generators without getting electrocuted in real life will win him over.

Bella Swan:
For Twilight's main protagonist, I'm going to go ahead and recommend pretty much any JRPG ever made, as they usually star an effeminate man-child with emo tendencies. If I had to pick a specific game, it would be Persona 3, as it contains a bunch of nonsensical high school drama, and the player spends most of the game shooting themselves in the head, which is my instinctual reaction to Twilight.


One of these characters is a man. Can you tell which one?

Backup Pick: I don't have a backup pick for Bella, as I'm 100% confident in my first recommendation -- there's no way she could resist falling in love with the frail, gender-bending protagonists found in JRPGs.

Charlie Swan:
I needed a fourth character to round out this feature, but I had already reached the extent of my knowledge regarding Twilight. So I asked my sister (without revealing my cynical motive, naturally) what other characters were important in the books. She suggested Charlie Swan, Bella's dad. After trying to read through an incredibly boring Wikipedia entry on Charlie, I called my sister again and asked her to sum up his personality in as few words as possible. She said he's laid back, doesn't talk much, and doesn't like Edward. So he has good taste, eh?

I decided I would pick a good game for Charlie, since we have at least one thing in common. Given the circumstances, I decided there's no better option than the Castlevania series. Surely he would enjoy taking out some of his pent-up aggression on Dracula, and he might even learn a few vampire-slaying tips to boot. Plus, I don't remember Simon Belmont saying much either. He just focuses on the task at hand, which is mindlessly killing any vampires that cross his path. I'm pretty confident on this one.


Go ahead, Charlie, displace your anger!

Backup Pick: My sister also said Charlie really likes fishing, so I'm recommending Fishing Master for the Wii as my backup plan. It may not be the most realistic fishing game ever made, but the bright visuals and cutesy characters should help stave off the depression that stems from knowing his daughter is in love with a vampiric ladyboy.


No vampires, just a happy family and a grandpa wearing exceptionally tight pants

This concludes my picks for video games that the characters of Twilight would enjoy. However, I fully admit that I don't really know much about the series, and -- as I'm sure my sister will tell me later -- I'm an idiot. If you feel I've made any glaring omissions (and don't mind being heckled by your fellow readers), feel free to post your own fantasy picks in the comments section below.