Characters You'll Never See Again

Earlier this week, we took a look at gaming characters that don't deserve their own games. Unfortunately, actual games are sometimes made that feature forgettable (or downright awful) protagonists. On other occasions, characters are doomed to disappear not because of a game's quality, but because the series is essentially dead in the water (Shenmue, Psychonauts). Whether it's their own fault or simply a matter of circumstance, there are plenty of characters that you'll most likely never see again. Here are our picks for gaming's lost faces.

Countless Failed Platforming Mascots

Developers have been trying to create the next platforming icon ever since Mario hit the gaming scene like an atomic bomb. Some have found success to varying degrees (Sonic, Spyro, Crash), but the vast majority tend to disappear in no time at all. Even those few that managed to get sequels (Gex, Croc) were pushed to extinction by the end of the console generation they debuted on. This phenomenon seems to have died out to some extent on current systems, as pure platformers are harder and harder to come by. Nintendo still manages to release high-profile (and highly successful) titles like Super Mario Galaxy and New Super Mario Bros. Wii, but the mad dash for the next mascot seems to have slowed to a crawl. While services like XBLA, PSN, and WiiWare may open the doors to new platforming experiences, we wouldn't suggest holding your breath for the return of Wiz 'n' Liz, Blinx, or Bubsy anytime soon.

Ryo Hazuki (Shenmue)

You may have seen him dashing around in a forklift in the recent Sonic & Sega All-Star Racing, but fans hoping for a resolution of the Shenmue series can stop holding their breath. Originally planned as a multi-part saga, the series was left unresolved at the end of the second installment. Fans have held out hope that one day Shenmue III will see the light of day, but odds are slim-to-none of this becoming a reality. If you still think you're going to get your revenge on Lan Di, I have a pre-order of Duke Nukem Forever that I'd like to sell you.

Super Ultra Sexy Hero "Johnny No More" Zan (Rising Zan)

Despite the fact that the game is completely awesome, no one seemed to play it. It featured a sword-slinging cowboy who brings the way of the samurai to the wild west. Long before Dante was mixing up swords and guns, and way before John Marston caught his first bounty, Zan was cleaning up the real menaces of the frontier. Namely ninjas, Russian nesting dolls, hay crucifixes, and trains from hell. Thanks to the game's poor sales, however, it would appear that Zan has ridden off into the sunset.

Boogerman (SNES, Genesis)

Released in 1994, Boogerman: A Pick And Flick Adventure represented the absolute pinnacle of American humor...assuming that you were nine years old at the time. The supremely creepy protagonist would traverse the various worlds via magical toilets, fling snot at his enemies, and eat chili so he could fly around by farting. Unlike Shenmue, however, this epic tale was resolved when Boogerman successfully took out his rival Snotty Ragsdale. Even if the gripping story of Boogerman had ended less conclusively, he's probably not the type of character with a long shelf life.

Absolutely Anything From Ballz (SNES, Genesis)

Starfox was the first game to show off impressive (for its time) 3D effects on a 16-bit console. Soon after, developers wanted to jump right on the 3D bandwagon, despite the fact that the SNES/Genesis hardware simply wasn't cut out for it. For example, look at the picture above. That mass of what appears to be Dippin' Dots on the right is supposed to be an attractive female fighter, as evidenced by the "arrooga" straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon. Even back in 1994, my ten year-old brain that so desperately wanted to accept anything 3D couldn't see these as passable characters. If they looked that silly 16 years ago, it's a safe bet we don't want to see them today.

Mike Thornton (Alpha Protocol)

Before Obsidian’s spy-RPG game shipped, the PR line was that the game would allow players to play as any one of the classic JBs—Jason Bourne, James Bond, or Jack Bauer. Unfortunately, the finished product was Just Broken. Maybe it’s best for Mr. Thorton to throw away his comm unit, grow out his hair, and disappear into modern society. Judging from his performance in the game, it’ll be easy for his bland self to blend into the background.

Raz (Psychonauts)

As much as it pains us to say it, Raz isn’t coming back. Psychonauts’ poor sales essentially steered publisher Majesco away from hardcore games in favor of safer (and more lucrative) casual offerings. Brutal Legend suffered a similar fate on the marketplace, and it’s difficult to imagine a situation where a publisher would be willing to give the designer behind both games a shot at revisiting a failed IP. We’ll have to imagine that Raz and his friends moved on to better things, just as the game’s ending hints.

Kurt Cobain (Guitar Hero)

Even if his widow Courtney Love hadn’t smacked Activision with a lawsuit for how Kurt Cobain was presented in Guitar Hero 5, we hope the publisher has enough collective common sense to shelve Cobain as a playable character. Activision created its own PR nightmare by allowing players to select the late Nirvana frontman and have him ape along to Bon Jovi. Even though they tried to pull YouTube videos offline as soon as they were posted, the damage was done.

Sion Barzahd (The Bouncer)

Remember Sion? OK, that’s part of the problem. Even though he fought more than most bouncers, Sion’s biggest enemies were long load times and an overabundance of cutscenes. Tetsuya Nomura’s silly clothing designs lived on through Kingdom Hearts, however.

Pit (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

We hate to beat on a dead horse, but this character is seriously the worst. Nintendo didn’t even bother writing a backstory for Pit when they created him for Super Smash Bros. Brawl. His bow attack doesn’t do much, if any, damage, and his Smash attack is completely broken. It would be terrible if Nintendo cited him as a reason to never revisit the series, but we’d absolutely understand.

(with contributions by Jeff Cork)