Characters Who Don't Deserve Their Own Games
Last week, we ran a news story about Charles Martinet (voice of Mario) and his desire to see a game starring Waluigi. Despite the purple plumber's inescapable charm and wealth of star power (suitable for numerous franchises), many of you voiced your disapproval.
While Waluigi seems to be a polarizing choice for a lead protagonist role, there are others throughout gaming history that would be undoubtedly worse. Here's our list of the characters that should never receive top billing with their own title.
Johnny Sasaki (Metal Gear Solid series)
You may not recognize the name, but you've at least seen (or sometimes heard) this notorious character if you've ever played a Metal Gear Solid game. In the first game, he was the guard with bowel issues who was constantly running to the bathroom. In Sons of Liberty, you'd hear his intestinal distress if you pointed a directional mic at the men's room. While he received significantly more face time in MGS4, he still had a nasty habit of crapping his pants all the *** time. A Sasaki-centric game would more than likely involve missions that rotated between collecting copious amounts of Kaopectate from the local CVS and buying pairs of dark pants.
Jason or Shaun (Heavy Rain)
You’ve played through Quantic Dreams’ tear-jerking melodrama, but how would you like to see the story from a whole new perspective? Players start by choosing which Mars boy they’d like to play, each with his own strengths and weaknesses. Shaun is great with a sword, but water and pronunciation tend to trip him up. Jason is the faster of the two and has a unique camouflage ability, but his limited health makes him a better choice for expert players. However you decide, you’ve got a great adventure ahead of you that’s fun for most of the whole family!
Here's the thing...no one really knows what the hell Toadsworth does. He first appeared as Princess Peach's steward of sorts in Super Mario Sunshine, but later appearances have only added to the confusion. In Mario Power Tennis, he's suddenly an umpire. In Mario Party 7, he's the master of ceremonies. We're not sure what his official duties are in the Mushroom Kingdom, but we know enough to know he shouldn't have his own game. Elderly humans spend most of their time complaining about technology, eating fiber, and watching Jay Leno. We can't imagine elderly fungi being that much more interesting.
Any Woman in God of War
The fairer sex hasn't had the greatest treatment during Sony's epic trilogy. If you played as any female character from the entire series, odds are you'd be spending your time getting crushed or killed by Kratos, or getting up close and personal with his chalky manhood as he QTE's the holy hell out of you.
Merchant (Resident Evil 4)
“What are you buying?” In Capcom’s shopkeeping sim, you can answer that question any way you see fit. As Resident Evil 4’s Merchant, it’s up to you to maintain inventories and research new technology. Work your way from lowly revolvers all the way up to the lucrative Broken Butterfly item. Don’t dawdle too much in the lab, though. If a customer lights one of your blue torches and you aren’t there in time, you’ll lose a customer in more ways than one.
Stryker (Mortal Kombat series)
There's nothing wrong with a well-made cop game, but we're pretty sure that any involving Stryker as the main protagonist would be absolute crap. You see, most cop games take place in real-world environments, featuring the player taking on criminals and assorted gangsters. Guns, batons, and tasers may dispatch those hooligans with ease, but just try taking that limited arsenal up against sorcerers, elder gods, and dudes that will straight-up eat your head.
The Riddler (Batman: Arkham Asylum)
There’s a bat loose in the Asylum, and you know what that means? If you’re the Riddler, it’s time to get out your spray can and start tagging the joint! Brush past the Joker’s goons, find the perfect vantage points, and leave your question mark for Bats to find in a series of stick-twirling minigames. Score bonuses for combos and complex paintjobs, but don’t linger. If the caped crusader spots you, you’ll have to outrun him in an obstacle-strewn maze. Fail, and you’ll have to take a timeout in your cell.
Sure, he may already have his name on a highly-successful franchise, but the stars have always been those chumps in the jerseys. Imagine a game that puts you in the formidable shoes of the legendary announcer/coach as he tours the globe trying to popularize his own brand of turducken. Minigames would include collecting components for the perfect hoagie and shooting a cameo for Little Giants 2.
The Wrench (Wrecking Crew)
Go up and down ladders and chase after Mario. Or don’t. It’s a free country.
Zeke Dunbar (Infamous)
While Cole took the spotlight in Sucker Punch’s Infamous, his pal Zeke has a few tricks of his own. He might not be able to throw balls of pure energy or shoot lightning from his fingertips or grind across power lines or throw cars into the air or generate lightning storms, but his powers of infiltration are second to none. As Zeke, players will have to avoid being seen by anyone as he tries to sneak into a variety of buildings, warehouses, and outposts. All the while, Zeke breaks the fourth wall and speaks directly to the player in a series of hilarious conspiracy-filled rants. Move over, Sam Fisher, it’s Zeke time!
Pit (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)
Nintendo mined its archives when selecting characters for its fighting-game mashup, which made the inclusion of Pit even more puzzling. With decades of classic games to draw from, why did Nintendo choose to create one from scratch? If they had a hole in their roster, why not try to fill it with a third-party mascot like Chuck Rock or Bubsy? Is he supposed to be a flying gladiator? What’s with that bow? One thing’s for sure: Let’s hope Nintendo has learned its lesson from Super Smash Bros. Brawl’s lukewarm response and we never see Pit in a solo game.
(with contributions from Jeff Cork)