Blizzard's newly minted Overwatch League is taking the esports scene by storm, but which team is the best of the best? G.I.'s most prolific and professional analyst is here to rank the competition by the only criteria that matters: their logos.

Normally when I present a ranking in one of these dumbs columns I go through a whole link-laden song and dance to prove how obviously qualified I am to judge the topic at hand – and today is no different. However, unlike my recent Dragon Ball FighterZ ranking (which received STUNNING praise from readers), I actually know something about Overwatch! In fact, I've already ranked every single character in the game*, so you could say that I'm as much of an Overwatch professional as anyone in the Overwatch League. I still don't know why Blizzard didn't invite me to join, but I won't let their insulting oversight taint my opinions.

Anyway, is that enough links? Cuz it doesn't really feel like enough links. Just to be sure, here's a ranking of all the 1, 2, Switch games Joe made me play, as well as the Top 10 Funnies To A Points** – See? I even rank myself!

Without further ado, here's my ranking of every Overwatch League team, based purely on their names and logos – because without those they're just a bunch of random people playing Overwatch!

#12: New York Alka Seltzer Excelsior
Good lord, what a logo. My first thought about the New York Excelsior – after I recovered from the seizure their logo gave me – was that they named the team after King Arthur's sword, which is a solid choice. Then I realized that's the Excalibur. Excelsior, on the other hand, is Latin for "ever upward." That's pretty good too, though it could potentially mean they're in last place and have nowhere else to go but up – i.e. "ever upwards because we literally can't drop any lower."

Anyway, New York's team is comprised entirely of Korean players, and I'm guessing they're also the best players in the world, because buying the top talent is totally the kind of thing New York would do – it's still the first season and New York has already ruined the league! Too bad they didn't spend millions of dollars on a better logo – those "X"es are hurting my eyes!
Final Rating: The New York Yankees of Overwatch – and that's not a compliment!

#11: Dallas Fuel
The Dallas Fuel logo is just a flame. Or is it a wing? Nah, it must be a flame. Either way, it looks like someone jumped into a random Bethesda character creator, selected the first face tattoo decal that no one ever chooses, and said, "Yeah, that works! Wait, make it blue. Perfect!" Also, should a team named Fuel have a flame as their logo? If video games have taught me anything, it's that Fuel + Flames = Uncontrolled, Devastating Explosion 100% of the time.
Final Rating: Explosively bad

#10: Philadelphia Fusion
Well see, Dallas Fuel just seems outdated now, doesn't it? They're running on flames while Philadelphia is in the nuclear age! However, as far as atom symbols go, that one's pretty weak, and the "P" in the middle of it makes we want to say "Philadelphia Pew-sion." And now that I've said that, you'll never be able to look at that logo and not think "Philadelphia Pewsion" ever again. This is why everyone should consult with me before naming things!
Final Rating: Doesn't pass the smell test

#9: London Spitfire
London Spitfire's logo looks like the kind of insignia you'd see on a World War II bomber jacket. That's cool and all, but what's with the plane? There are no planes in Overwatch. Are we sure this isn't some kind of naming mix-up, like American football vs. rest-of-the-entire-world football? Like maybe there's a plane-based sport that's called Overwatch in London and their team is comprised of 12 super-confused pilots? I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here – which is a word that's very similar to "spitfire." Coincidence? Or CONSPIRACY?!
Final Rating: Meh

#8: San Francisco Shock
The San Francisco Shock logo is certainly stylish, but it could very much be the logo for San Francisco's public transportation. Admit it: You wouldn't think twice if you saw that slapped on the side of a bus. That said, Shock is an objectively wicked name for a team. The spikes on the bottom look like the Golden Gate Bridge, which is a nice touch, and Reiner suggested they also look like the spikes of a tremor on the Richter Scale. That's some next-level logo design – though maybe a city built on one of the world's largest fault lines doesn't want to be reminded of earthquakes every time they cheer on their home team?
Rating: Still better than public transportation

#7: Los Angeles Valiant
First things first: I'm not a fan of a team name being an adjective. Teams should definitely be nouns, like the Bulldogs or the Bullfrogs or the Bull...s. But L.A.'s logo is cool regardless, and looks like the helmet of a warrior who could certainly be described as valiant. Wait a minute – is that just Symmetra's headgear? It is, isn't it:

Oh well, I like Symmetra anyway – I once set up a bunch of drones in a small room and killed like a dozen noobs in a single match. Go Valiant(s?)! See, it really shouldn't be an adjective.
Final Rating: A...valiant effort? BWAHAHAHA!

Coming Up Next: We continue through our Overwatch League team rankings with the Sexy Six. On second thought, let's never call them that again...

*Well, technically not the latest DLC characters, but you can slot them all in at the bottom because CHANGE SCARES ME. (back to top)
**I still don't know how the hell to pluralize that. (back to top)