The lights are on
As I'm sure you've all noticed while following Funny To A
Point over the weeks (you have been, RIGHT?!), I tend to gush about
mention Overwatch every now
more times). It's no secret that I'm a big fan of the game – which is why
it seemed a bit dubious that I've devoted entire columns to other games like Call
of Duty, Pokémon
Go, and Battlefield
1, but not Blizzard's spectacular team hero shooter. I'm aiming to right
that wrong today in the biggest way possible: by ranking all 23 Overwatch
As with any ranking, it's important to acknowledge that no
matter how definitive a numbered list may seem, it is still just a subjective
opinion based on personal experiences. This is especially true for Overwatch,
as every character is invaluable (or crap) under the right conditions. As such,
I've chosen to rank Overwatch's characters in the fairest way possible: by
basing the list solely on which characters I play – and enjoy playing – the
most. That said, my years of
experience as a Professional Gamer are well documented, which make my subjective opinions far more valuable than the layman gamer. You
know what? Let's just call this the objectively definitive ranking of Overwatch
characters. Yeah, that feels better, doesn't it?
So, from Ana to Zenyatta, here's my Big Fat Greek Overwatch
#23: AnaA.K.A. SnoremasterHere's the thing: I don't like change. I got used to all of
Overwatch's original 21 characters, and then Ana came along with her weird new
powers (I mean she shoots health into people? What the hell is that?), changing
up the gameplay. She scares me, okay? I already have to deal with the threat of
actually falling asleep during video games – I don't need it being a threat to
my in-game character too. I honestly didn't even know she could kill players
until I looked her up on the Overwatch site, and headshotting someone only to
see them stagger to their feet five seconds later seems like a raw deal. I have
no doubt that Ana is useful in the right hands, but not my hands. #notmyhandsFinal Verdict: Zzz/10.
#22: SombraA.K.A. Total HackBut seriously guys, change stinks! The only reason I'm
ranking Sombra slightly above Ana is because at least she has a normal gun that
fires normal bullets. Her invisibility power is also pretty straightforward,
but her hacking abilities confuse me (then again, I can't even figure out
Facebook, so maybe chalk this one up to user error). Actually, all of Sombra's
abilities look pretty awesome, so I should probably try her out more.Final Verdict: Not
the worst. Barely.
#21: WinstonA.K.A. Wince-a-tonWhen I first started Overwatch, I was quick to remark how
fun and compelling all of the characters are to play as...except Winston. This
surprised me, as by my calculations monkeys are the third greatest thing of all
time.** However, despite his size and monkeyness, Winston feels surprisingly
weak. His Tesla Cannon is about as effective as piddling on enemies – in fact, gorillas
probably pee harder streams than that stupid lightning gun puts out. His Jump
Pack and Barrier Projector abilities are okay, but he lacks the powerful melee
smashes of Reinhardt unless you power up his ultimate...which involves playing
with him long enough to power up his ultimate. You can see the problem.Final Verdict: Gets
points for being a monkey, but not much else.
#20: LucioA.K.A. Jet Fart RadioI really want to
hate Lucio – he's a boombox-toting rollerblader, for crying out loud. However,
I can't deny how vital he is to a team. His ability to speed and heal your
squad to victory makes me willing to overlook his annoying style and annoyinger
quips. I even usually end up voting for him on the post-game screen (when I'm
not eligible, naturally). He's an excellent team member – and maybe even the
best character, all things considered – but not for me. Sound waves as weapons?
Unless we're talking about the mystical Brown Note, I'm not interested (but
seriously, Blizzard, that's a way cooler ultimate).Final Verdict: Actually,
Jet Fart Radio works here too.
#19: ZenyattaA.K.A. RobuttLook, I don't really "do" support. As cool as a
nirvana-achieving meditative robot is, the idea of juggling different orbs that
modify characters is less appealing than, I don't know, blasting opponents in
the face with giant guns. That said, Orb of Destruction kind of looks like a
cross between force powers and a hadouken, and I like the way he floats around like
he's better than everybody else, so I should give him another chance.Final Verdict: Definitely a floater.
#18: GenjiA.K.A. GroanjiIt doesn't seem like you can go wrong with a cyborg ninja,
and yet I somehow always do. My throwing-star skills are about as good with
Genji as they are in real life, and I usually blow the timing on his Deflect ability
to a comical degree. The only time I don't completely suck with Genji is in
Arcade's mystery matches, when everyone else is as out of their element as I am.
That's how ninjas usually operate, right? Coincidentally, I got stuck with
Genji in a mystery match just last night and did leagues better than all the
other randos I had before him, which I'm taking as evidence that I should play
as him more often. Who knows, by next week he might be #1.Final Verdict:
Overwatch's best cyborg ninja.
#17: TracerA.K.A. "What the sh--
was that?!"I get that Tracer is the face of the franchise, and pro
Tracer players can literally run laps around me on the battlefield. I wish I
could put her higher on the list, but I'm just not that good with her yet, and
the fact that I'm not makes me play with her less. It's easy enough to spray
enemies with her dual pistol fire, but I still haven't mastered her Blink
ability, and I'm more likely to use Recall to warp into a dangerous situation than out of one. So there you have it:
Tracer objectively deserves the #17 spot. I'm as disappointed with her
performance as you are.Final Verdict: Fast
#16: BastionA.K.A. Cheatbot 5000Playing as Bastion is basically cheating: His Sentry mode is
devastating and his self-repair ability is ridiculous. He doesn't even deserve
a damn ultimate, and yet his Tank mode is OP too. Bastion is the one true
choice for campers, giving them cheap and powerful abilities that should land
him at the bottom of the list. But here's the thing: They also stick campers
with one huge weakness – they need to plant their ass in the ground while
firing or healing. Unlike other shooters, this makes them easier to track down
and kill. I still feel super cheap when playing as Bastion, so I don't pick him
unless the opposing team really deserves it. Which is pretty much all the time.Final Verdict: The
jackass version of Johnny 5.
*It's Greek because I broke a few dishes and yelled a lot while writing it. (back to top)**Number one and two being pizza and naps...seriously, you have been reading these columns, right? (back to top)
Coming up next: Some Overwatch characters that are actually good!...
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.