As I'm sure you've all noticed while following Funny To A Point over the weeks (you have been, RIGHT?!), I tend to gush about mention Overwatch every now and then (and still more times). It's no secret that I'm a big fan of the game – which is why it seemed a bit dubious that I've devoted entire columns to other games like Call of Duty, Pokémon Go, and Battlefield 1, but not Blizzard's spectacular team hero shooter. I'm aiming to right that wrong today in the biggest way possible: by ranking all 23 Overwatch characters.

As with any ranking, it's important to acknowledge that no matter how definitive a numbered list may seem, it is still just a subjective opinion based on personal experiences. This is especially true for Overwatch, as every character is invaluable (or crap) under the right conditions. As such, I've chosen to rank Overwatch's characters in the fairest way possible: by basing the list solely on which characters I play – and enjoy playing – the most. That said, my years of experience as a Professional Gamer are well documented, which make my subjective opinions far more valuable than the layman gamer. You know what? Let's just call this the objectively definitive ranking of Overwatch characters. Yeah, that feels better, doesn't it?

So, from Ana to Zenyatta, here's my Big Fat Greek Overwatch Ranking.*

#23: Ana
A.K.A. Snoremaster
Here's the thing: I don't like change. I got used to all of Overwatch's original 21 characters, and then Ana came along with her weird new powers (I mean she shoots health into people? What the hell is that?), changing up the gameplay. She scares me, okay? I already have to deal with the threat of actually falling asleep during video games – I don't need it being a threat to my in-game character too. I honestly didn't even know she could kill players until I looked her up on the Overwatch site, and headshotting someone only to see them stagger to their feet five seconds later seems like a raw deal. I have no doubt that Ana is useful in the right hands, but not my hands. #notmyhands
Final Verdict: Zzz/10.

#22: Sombra
A.K.A. Total Hack
But seriously guys, change stinks! The only reason I'm ranking Sombra slightly above Ana is because at least she has a normal gun that fires normal bullets. Her invisibility power is also pretty straightforward, but her hacking abilities confuse me (then again, I can't even figure out Facebook, so maybe chalk this one up to user error). Actually, all of Sombra's abilities look pretty awesome, so I should probably try her out more.
Final Verdict: Not the worst. Barely.

#21: Winston
A.K.A. Wince-a-ton
When I first started Overwatch, I was quick to remark how fun and compelling all of the characters are to play as...except Winston. This surprised me, as by my calculations monkeys are the third greatest thing of all time.** However, despite his size and monkeyness, Winston feels surprisingly weak. His Tesla Cannon is about as effective as piddling on enemies – in fact, gorillas probably pee harder streams than that stupid lightning gun puts out. His Jump Pack and Barrier Projector abilities are okay, but he lacks the powerful melee smashes of Reinhardt unless you power up his ultimate...which involves playing with him long enough to power up his ultimate. You can see the problem.
Final Verdict: Gets points for being a monkey, but not much else.

#20: Lucio
A.K.A. Jet Fart Radio
I really want to hate Lucio – he's a boombox-toting rollerblader, for crying out loud. However, I can't deny how vital he is to a team. His ability to speed and heal your squad to victory makes me willing to overlook his annoying style and annoyinger quips. I even usually end up voting for him on the post-game screen (when I'm not eligible, naturally). He's an excellent team member – and maybe even the best character, all things considered – but not for me. Sound waves as weapons? Unless we're talking about the mystical Brown Note, I'm not interested (but seriously, Blizzard, that's a way cooler ultimate).
Final Verdict: Actually, Jet Fart Radio works here too.

#19: Zenyatta
A.K.A. Robutt
Look, I don't really "do" support. As cool as a nirvana-achieving meditative robot is, the idea of juggling different orbs that modify characters is less appealing than, I don't know, blasting opponents in the face with giant guns. That said, Orb of Destruction kind of looks like a cross between force powers and a hadouken, and I like the way he floats around like he's better than everybody else, so I should give him another chance.
Final Verdict: Definitely a floater.

#18: Genji
A.K.A. Groanji
It doesn't seem like you can go wrong with a cyborg ninja, and yet I somehow always do. My throwing-star skills are about as good with Genji as they are in real life, and I usually blow the timing on his Deflect ability to a comical degree. The only time I don't completely suck with Genji is in Arcade's mystery matches, when everyone else is as out of their element as I am. That's how ninjas usually operate, right? Coincidentally, I got stuck with Genji in a mystery match just last night and did leagues better than all the other randos I had before him, which I'm taking as evidence that I should play as him more often. Who knows, by next week he might be #1.
Final Verdict: Overwatch's best cyborg ninja.

#17: Tracer
A.K.A. "What the sh-- was that?!"
I get that Tracer is the face of the franchise, and pro Tracer players can literally run laps around me on the battlefield. I wish I could put her higher on the list, but I'm just not that good with her yet, and the fact that I'm not makes me play with her less. It's easy enough to spray enemies with her dual pistol fire, but I still haven't mastered her Blink ability, and I'm more likely to use Recall to warp into a dangerous situation than out of one. So there you have it: Tracer objectively deserves the #17 spot. I'm as disappointed with her performance as you are.
Final Verdict: Fast and Infuriating.

#16: Bastion
A.K.A. Cheatbot 5000
Playing as Bastion is basically cheating: His Sentry mode is devastating and his self-repair ability is ridiculous. He doesn't even deserve a damn ultimate, and yet his Tank mode is OP too. Bastion is the one true choice for campers, giving them cheap and powerful abilities that should land him at the bottom of the list. But here's the thing: They also stick campers with one huge weakness – they need to plant their ass in the ground while firing or healing. Unlike other shooters, this makes them easier to track down and kill. I still feel super cheap when playing as Bastion, so I don't pick him unless the opposing team really deserves it. Which is pretty much all the time.
Final Verdict: The jackass version of Johnny 5.

*It's Greek because I broke a few dishes and yelled a lot while writing it. (back to top)
**Number one and two being pizza and naps...seriously, you have been reading these columns, right? (back to top)

Coming up next: Some Overwatch characters that are actually good!...