The lights are on
Surviving in the chaotic city of Los Santos is no easy task;
even a leisurely stroll down the sidewalk with your trusty pooch can turn deadly
in a matter of moments. It seems like every criminal, cop, and crazy person in
Rockstar's satirical city is perpetually looking for a fight, which may prove
trying for the average gamer. Lucky for you, I'm not the average gamer.
I don't just play games for fun; I play them for a living. My
career – nay, calling – as a professional gamer has endowed me with skills far
beyond the common man. Rather than keep these secrets to myself like some kind
of selfish secret hoarder, I've decided to share my wisdom, like a selfless wisdom sharer. My professional
guides for Skyrim,
Cry 3, The
Last of Us, and Tomb
Raider have proven invaluable for boosting the skills and self-confidence
of gamers just like you. Now it's time to enlighten GTA V players.
Below you'll find a list of (spoiler-free!) situations you
may encounter in GTA V, along with descriptions of how an amateur might handle them.
If these sound like how you play the game, don't worry – we all sucked at one
time. Following each amateur entry is a pro description, that outlines how I
personally handled the situation. Study them hard to improve your fledgling
skills and be more like me.
choosing your car, Franklin's friend Lamar challenges you to a race during GTA
V's driving tutorial.How an amateur handles it: Drive through Los Santos while following Lamar on your GPS.How a pro handles it: Immediately get into a head-on collision and lose Lamar because you're
busy reading on-screen prompts for things you already know how to do – because,
as it turns out, you've driven a car or two in video games before. Try and fail
the mission two more times because Lamar is really unpredictable and there's a
lot to remember and the beautiful city is distracting. Realize on your fourth try
that Lamar is actually calling out every turn he makes before doing it.
successfully racing Lamar, the cops show up and give chase.How an amateur handles it: Follow the on-screen directions
and lose the cops, then head to the dealership and finish the mission.How a pro handles it: Ignore the game's instructions (and the cops) and head north into the
mountains. Become obsessed with trying to make your car explode, and spend 20
minutes driving off of every cliff and bridge you come across. Once your car
has been reduced to a smoldering (yet somehow still drivable) husk, decide to return
it to the dealership after all for comedic effect. Accidentally slide off the
dirt path and into a river on the way back, instantly failing the mission.
a few more tutorial missions you decide to take a break for a quick round of
golf.How an amateur handles it: Save your game and then head over to the golf course in the morning.How a pro handles it: Fail to realize that there's no such thing as night golf and head over to
the country club. Walk up to the guard who's clearly waving you away because
the country club isn't open yet. Saunter back to your car, then get
shot five times by the guard. Panic and drive backwards into the parking lot,
wedging your car between two walls like Austin Powers. Continue to get shot
while you drive back and forth, then run the guard over. Drive around the block
while evading the police, then park outside the country club again and wait for
dawn. After finally starting a round of golf, accidentally trip on your golf cart
and inexplicably die.
Situation: While towing cars as Franklin, you spot a free bulletproof vest in the parking lot of the adjacent police station.How an amateur handles it: Sneak in, grab the armor, and sneak back out.How a pro handles it: Sneak in and grab the armor. Feel a false sense of invincibility after putting it on, then try to steal a squad car in front of the pair of cops who are hanging behind the building. Act surprised when they start shooting you, instantly depleting the armor you just stole. Drive into the gate, then get pulled out of the vehicle. Run down street and into a massive, multistory parking garage to escape. Run up all four levels even after the police give up chasing you, because surely there will be a jump at the top along with a car to drive off of it. Realize you're half right. Start the long walk back down to the street.
Situation: You've entered the Ammu-Nation's gun range
to improve your character's shooting skills.How an amateur handles it: Make your way through the list of weapons and challenges.How a pro handles it: Get stuck going for the gold medal on the second handgun challenge,
wondering how in the hell you're supposed to get 20,000 points with the basic
pistol. After half a dozen retries, realize that you weren't zooming in by
clicking the analogue stick. Repeat the challenge several more times, finally
mustering 10,000 points and a silver medal. Give up and move onto the next
pistol, then realize that the challenges apply to all the handguns, including
the lightning fast automatic pistol with that features an extended ammo clip. Select it and pass
the challenge on your first try.
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.