The lights are on
It's already shaping up to be an amazing year for games, with
hits like Horizon
Zero Dawn, Yakuza 0, Resident Evil 7, and Nioh keeping players entertained for dozens of hours on end. However, the
biggest news of the year so far has been Nintendo's new console, and the only game
you should buy it for: 1-2-Switch.*
Kyle has been busy posting additional content for the
dumb launch game, but as our official reviewer of 1-2-Switch, I feel
duty-bound to carry through with more post-release content for the game's
dedicated player base – which I assume is staying at or near 100-percent of everyone
who bought it, but that obviously can't be verified because they are all too
busy playing the game to respond to any sort of poll or survey.
...Look, can I be honest? 1-2-Switch stinks, and while I'm
enjoying this best-game-ever charade, I'm afraid our post-truth world is going
to take it seriously. I mean, we live in a world where Dane Cook sells out
stadiums – we can't take anything for granted when it comes to humor.
If you read my 1-2-Switch
review, you know it already contains as many jokes as one of these asinine columns. However, that doesn't mean I took the review process lightly; while
testing 1-2-Switch, I not only took studious notes for every single minigame,
I also ranked them to help form an overall opinion of the collection. So, for
today's column, please enjoy this rare, behind-the-scenes look at my review process, which
includes the full ranking, my original review notes, and my refined opinion of
each game after weeks of further consideration.
#28: Dance OffReview Notes: "total
farce"Forget the further consideration – I nailed this one! Dance
Off encourages you to bust out your best dance moves, but flopping your
controller around like a dead fish is enough to earn you an "A" in rhythm. I know
I don't have any rhythm, Nintendo – you don't need to patronize me. Just Dance
has been championing this cheap charade for years, and is considered the bargain-bin
tier of dance games. And yet it's still better than 1-2-Switch; not only does
it include actual licensed songs that people want to listen to**, you only need
your phone to play it. All in all, not a great demonstration of the Switch's
#27: RunwayReview Notes: "crap,
pose doesn't matter"Hey, I nailed this one too! Another "game" based on smoke
and mirrors, Runway really hopes you'll get swept up in the hysteria of making
wacky, exaggerated poses with your friends – because if you don't, you'll
realize the game is only vaguely registering the orientation of your
controller. But guess what? You can play Runway right now! Just stick your ass
out at your friend/co-worker/fellow bus passenger and make a funny face. I
guarantee it's just as fun.
#26: Copy DanceReview Notes: "also
crap, pose doesn't matter"What? I said I was including my original review notes – not
that every review note was original. In this case, the copy-and-paste job was
wholly warranted; Dance Off, Runway, and Copy Dance are all slight variations
on the same underwhelming tech demo. Copy Dance, indeed – they just did a palette swap on the background, FFS!
#25: BaseballReview Notes: "a
conceptual mess"I guess I could've gone with some kind of baseball-themed
criticism, like "a fastball to the groin!" But "conceptual mess" is still
an accurate, concise summary of Baseball's problems. The minigame wants you to
pitch imaginary balls at your opponent, who must time their swings to hit them.
Since there are no on-screen indicators, however, you feel like a mime stuck in
some weird radio play. Also, it doesn't take into account how far you're standing
from your opponent, so the timing is completely disconnected from the action.
Also also, the speed, strength, and angle of your throws and swings don't
matter, making it hugely inferior to the 11-year-old Wii Sports incarnation of
the sport. Yay!
#24: Eating ContestReview Notes: "designed
to look like a huge ass"If you've seen the trailer for 1-2-Switch, you know this
statement is 100-percent accurate. I also felt like a huge ass while playing it, but
only slightly more than all the other games. Fun side note: I originally listed
this mini-game as "Eating Sandwich" in my notes, which I still contend is the
#23: Air GuitarReview Notes: "vague
rhythm, just shaking"That summary is still true, but I could've also called out
that the minigame accurately captures just how obnoxious people who "play" air
guitar are. Learn a real instrument, you losers! Like air drums.
#22: Sword FightReview Notes: "Wii
Sports reject"This quip turned out to be more accurate than I meant it to
be; I didn't realize at the time that fencing was a Wii Sports Resort
minigame, so it probably was a rejected Wii Sports offering – and Sword Fight
is even worse than that! Regardless, this is one of the games that insists you
stare into your opponent's eyes, while simultaneously displaying the number of
lives you have on the screen...for you to not look at. The video tutorial is also
one of 1-2-Switch's most obnoxious – so much so that I'd rather sit on my
imaginary sword than watch it again.
#21: Beach FlagReview Notes: "shake
like an idiot"You're technically supposed to be running in place, but
shaking gets the job done. You also have to hold your controller up at the end,
as if you're raising your hand and saying, "I am the fastest idiot who regrets
flushing $50 down the toilet!"
#20: WizardReview Notes: "lunge
and counter not worth it"This might be as close to actual game-mechanic observations
as my ranking notes got. Wizard allows you to perform lunge and countering
moves, but the whole thing still feels like a really lame, reverse Tug of War.
Also, the indicator of whether you are winning or losing is on the damn screen
again! Even Harry Potter cosplayers would be embarrassed to be caught playing
#19: GorillaReview Notes: "confusing rhythm crap"You can see a clip of Cork and me trying to play this one
during the G.I. Show
segment, but if that's too much work, here's the long and short of it:
Gorilla somehow makes pretending to be a giant monkey NOT fun. Part of the
problem is it contains multiple fakeouts before the action starts, even if you
skip the tutorial. Just let me beat my chest like an idiot already! Not that I
need 1-2-Switch to do it...he said about practically every game in the
*This isn't so much a joke as it is Time's review headline for 1-2-Switch, which was nevertheless the funniest thing I read all month and made me laugh green tea out of my nose. (back to top)**I assume. I have no idea what dancing-inclined people want to listen to. I'm confident it's not 1-2-Switch's music though. (back to top)
Coming Up Next: Are we
to the good games yet? No we are not...
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.