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Spoilers For Stupid People: 2014 Edition
Nowadays, you have to be proactive if you want to avoid spoilers for an anticipated movie, television episode, or video game. However, there is such a thing as being too proactive, which can easily spill over into full-blown spoiler paranoia. If you're the kind of person who covers their ears and runs screaming from the room at the mere mention of a game or show you're interested in, please join us as we mock your hypersensitivity in another edition of Spoilers for Stupid People.
Call of Duty: Advanced
Warfare
Spoiler: America Is Still
#1!
I haven't played a single minute of Sledgehammer Games' futuristic take on Call of Duty, and the only thing I know about the narrative
is that your character is the illegitimate love child of Rambo and the
Terminator (at least he will be if Sledgehammer's writers know what they're
doing). Despite my brazen ignorance, I'm still fairly certain I know every plot
point of Advanced Warfare, and will spoil it for you now: Evil terrorists have
attacked the world because they hate freedom, and it's up to a ragtag group of
surviving American soldiers to settle the score by using impractical but
totally awesome mech suits. However, saving the day will require the sacrifice
of one of your fellow soldiers (most likely while riding in a helicopter),
casting a somber light on your victory – until the wacky rap song plays during
the credits. Also, Kevin Spacey will play an even smarmier jerk than he usually
does.
Alien: Isolation
Spoiler: The Alien Wins
The Creative Assembly's upcoming survival-horror game pits
Ellen Ripley's daughter against a single xenomorph in a deadly game of cat and
mouse. However, there's no way the mouse can possibly win; Alien: Isolation
falls in between the original Alien and
Aliens, which means you're totally screwed.
Thanks to James Cameron's action-infused sequel, we know there are still aliens
around after the events of the game, so you clearly aren't stopping the
xenomorph threat. After all, no one ever stops
the alien; Sigourney Weaver tried for like four movies in a row and couldn't
do it, and she's a total badass – we doubt her mystery daughter is going to
fare any better.
Middle-earth: Shadow
of Mordor
Spoiler: You're Going
To Get A Magic Ring
So far, Monolith has played down many of the fantasy
elements of Shadow of Mordor's source material; most of the trailers and
gameplay videos have instead focused on slicing, stabbing, and decapitating the
crap out of orcs. However, Shadow of Mordor is still based on The Lord of the
Rings, which – as the name implies – is a fantasy series about of a bunch of magic
rings. There's no way those things aren't showing up; expect to run across at
least a couple of awesome-sounding rings, which will end up being major
disappointments when you equip them and find out that they only offer mediocre
buffs to your character.
Halo: The Master
Chief Collection
Spoiler: You Still Suck
At Multiplayer
The Master Chief Collection brings all of the numbered Halo
installments to the new generation. However, even with 1080p graphics running
at a rock-solid 60 frames per second and the increased precision of the Xbox
One controller, you're still going to get walloped by a bunch of
racist 12-year-olds in Halo's multiplayer. But hey, at least you'll be able to
marvel at how great Master Chief's shiny armor looks as your prepubescent
opponents repeatedly crouch on your corpse's face.
Far Cry 4
Spoiler: PETA Is
Going To Hate This Game
As anyone who has excelled
at Far Cry 3 knows, the most dangerous enemies in Ubisoft Montreal's
open-world action games tend to walk on four legs (except for those damned
cassowaries). Far Cry 4 ups nature's fury with rhinos and elephants, but don't
expect to ride a massive beast into war without a tongue lashing from PETA. The
organization's crusade for the ethical treatment of animals doesn't stop at
real life – they've also complained about Nintendo's virtual pocket
monsters, Mario's
Tanooki suit, and characters made of sentient meat. Wait,
aren't we all just sentient meat? Either way, don't be surprised if PETA tries
to rain on your parade through Kyrat with a crudely made minigame about how
elephants are nature's gentle giants.
Coming Up Next: More terrible spoilers to torment your dimwitted friends with...
Assassin's Creed
Rogue
Spoiler: You'll Want
To Play Assassin's Creed Unity Instead
Assassin's Creed fans have not one but two epic new adventures
to take on this November, but not all assassins are created equal. Diehard fans
will want to experience Rogue for its alternate take on the Templars and additional
insight into their motives – but the whole time you'll really be wondering why
you aren't playing the awesome new-gen exclusive that features new free-running
mechanics, combat, and a massive open-world Paris. But hey, getting your boat
stuck in the ice should be cool too.
Sherlock Holmes:
Crimes and Punishments
Spoiler: The Butler
Did It
I haven't seen anything about the newest Sherlock Holmes
game, so this one is a complete guess. But really, isn't it always the butler? Those
snooty jerks are always killing people off over longstanding grudges or
gambling debts or shameful secrets that they're willing to protect at all costs.
Look, I'm not saying that every butler is a murderer, but if you have homicidal
tendencies, chances are you find yourself unnaturally drawn to the housekeeping
industry. The real mystery is why all these rich people keep on hiring
coldblooded killers to take care of their mansions. They're just setting
themselves up to be murdered during their own luxurious dinner party. What's wrong with them? Solve that
one, Sherlock.
Slender: The Arrival
Spoiler: HE'S RIGHT
BEHIND YOU!!!
We're just a few days away from the console release of
Slender: The Arrival, which means a whole new audience will have a chance to
explore the horrors waiting in Oakside Park. If you haven't played it, here's everything
you need to know: That creepy slender guy is right behind you. Like, all the
time. Save yourself some sanity and just don't turn around – ever! I stopped
looking behind me in both the game and real life, and so far nothing bad has
happened to me...well, except for when I ran over Tim Turi while backing out of
Game Informer's parking lot – though technically, I guess that's a bad thing that happened to Tim.
LittleBigPlanet 3
Spoiler: Your Levels
Are Going To Suck
Sony is prepping another LittleBigPlanet adventure for this
November, and even though it's not coming from Media Molecule, it should still
offer a ton of creative options for players who are passionate about creating
their own content. Unfortunately, you're not one of them, and LittleBigPlanet 3
is only going to reinforce the fact that you don't have the talent or patience
to make your own levels. Instead, you'll choose the biggest level size
available in the editor, create one dumb animated thing in the corner for Sackboy
to jump on, then give up and download a bunch of pixel art that other, more
artistic players have created.
Super Smash Bros.
Spoiler: Nintendo Is
Out Of Ideas
Next week marks the release of the latest entry in Nintendo's
frantic Smash Bros. fighting series. However, even if you haven't been
following the constant roster reveals, you're probably already aware of the
most obvious spoiler on this list: Nintendo has completely run out of interesting
characters to include in the game. With indefensible
duds like your Miis, the Animal Crossing villager, and the Wii Fitness lady
filling out the roster, it's clear that Nintendo just doesn't care anymore.
Another dead giveaway? We still don't even have a Wii U release date. Come on,
Nintendo! That's one piece of information we wouldn't mind having spoiled for
us.
For more obvious revelations, check out our previous list of Spoilers for Stupid People.