The lights are on
Power Member - Level 6
It's been a while since the last stupendous iteration of Behold the Beauty blinded us with its brilliance, so I thought it was about time to blind us all over again. For those not well-versed in Roman numerals, this is the fourth part of what is seemingly a never-ending deluge of artistic junk (parts one, two, and three here, here, and here). That is, video game covers "designed" by supposed "professionals" who prove that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. So take a gander at the following ten covers I've lovingly singled out and see how long you can go without wanting to throw up in your mouth.
Get it on…And look who we have here - it's our good friends over at Phoenix – a staple here at Behold the Beauty. If they don't set the bar for design excellence, then I don't know who does. Take Street Warrior, for example; nothing says tough like two bare-chested, steroid-ridden, lummoxes with hands the size of beach balls looking to take their rage out on the next guy who makes fun of their ridiculously tight pants. The guy on the left is especially frightening, what with his tiny Beetlejuice-like head and monstrous elbows. Last time I checked, the size of your elbows were directly proportional to the amount of weight you could bench press. Or was it the size of your feet? Either way, these two are in luck as they could easily float across the Pacific Ocean with those massive pontoons while simultaneously elbow smashing every shark in sight. Too bad they're stuck in this dump of a city. Oh yeah, check out that dog. Nice. Every dog I've ever owned – or seen for that matter – looked just as stiff and lifeless as this one. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of many than a dog with a severe case of rigor mortis – and a massive waxed shine on his nose. Or is that a band-aid?
And if you still haven't entirely bought into the toughness of these two and good ol' Rufus then surely the stylized logo seemingly scribbled out of white chalk will seal the deal. No? Then how about that burning trash can in the background? Or perhaps the "No Parking" sign? I always scream like a little girl when I'm driving around and see one of those. This is a bad part of town. Time to leave before I get elbow smashed.
Email the author Jeff Akervik, or follow on Twitter, Facebook, and Game Informer.
Love these blogs. It's a nice lesson in graphic design.
If you're old enough you can remember seeing cover art like these and thinking, "This looks awesome!"
Hindsight causes so much shame...
Haha I love this series. Glad it's back!
That was very funny.
I can not believe someone was paid to design that stuff.
Awesome blog. I loved the first three and this one was just as amazing.
i love this! i almost loled in the middle of class reading this
A+ Blog. Safecracker crackers (ha!) me up. Even looked on amazon to see if you could actually buy it, to my surprised there were actual reviews. And I must play ninja rabbit immediately. Think he has nun chucks made out of carrots?
The covers for the new Ace Combat and Shadows of the Damned probably should be on here, unfortunately. Two games that definitely don't need/benefit from generic "cool dude with a gun" covers.
Those just come to mind because I remember seeing them pop up on people's activity on Live and thinking they were bad fits/just bad. There were a few others that gave me similar pause, but I can't remember which ones now.
Ha! That was great.
Great blog. Man, that Lady Cruncher cover is terrifying.
I laughed so much at this.
Ha ha ha! This was extremely amusing!
"R U HUNGRY?!!!!"
Ha! I've never seen so much concentrated sarcasm in all my life. I love it! Hilarious XD
This is comedy gold right here! I haven't laughed so hard in a while. Thanks! That Kong box art made me laugh so hard it hurt.
I like the cereal box cover on page 5. It's so awesome! How could somebody design something like that and get away with it?!?! You have also gotten me in the mood to play that game which is referenced on the second page: it probably is "crabby"... LOL ...
These are by far my favorite blogs. Love them!