As regular Funny To A Point readers know, this column gives me the opportunity to explore a lot of fun and goofy ideas. But don't let my passion for humor fool you; while I enjoy yukking it up from time to time, I am also a serious, capital-J Journalist. Sometimes that means voicing inconvenient truths that gamers don't want to hear. Other times it manifests itself as a hard-hitting exposé, like my investigation into why modern box art sucks.

However, all those years of hard work were just a prelude to the following report, which is such a monumental journalistic achievement that scientists will need to create a whole new scale just to measure it. Today I'm uncovering not just one, but the SIX biggest video game conspiracies of all time. These diabolical truths have been hidden right under our noses the entire time, and once you see them, your life will never be the same. So buckle up, because...well, I just told you why – how much more freakin' hype do you need?

CONSPIRACY #1: BLIZZARD'S LIBERAL AGENDA
Blizzard is one of gaming's most beloved and respected developers, but that hasn't stopped the company from systematically subjecting its passionate fan base to a secret liberal agenda designed to infiltrate their hearts and minds. While that kind of mind-hack may sound like the work of Sombra, the blame actually falls on Overwatch's sickly sweet teenage gamer gurl.

D.Va is one Overwatch's most popular characters, so much so that you've probably seen the above screen a bajillion times. However, have you ever really seen it? If you did, you'd realize that D.Va isn't just an esports pro – she's also a walking propaganda machine!

That's right: Blizzard has been using subliminal messages to push its pro-vegetarian agenda, with a made-up acronym meant to demonize the meat industry. And the fact that Blizzard is using D.Va to do their dirty work is no accident; she's portrayed as the quintessential gamer – who better for millions of impressionable Overwatch players to look up to and subconsciously try to emulate?

Blizzard openly flaunted its subliminal anti-meat motive even further when it released the D.Va gremlin emote. The popular emote shows D.Va chowing down on a bag of Doritos, which last I checked WEREN'T MADE OF MEAT.

I know what you're thinking: "But Jeff, fans were the ones who made up the D.Va Doritos meme in the first place, not Blizzard!" But that  just proves Blizzard's conspiracy is working!

CONSPIRACY #2: UNCHARTED'S KILLER PET PREMONITION
Naughty Dog makes some of the most polished and meticulously produced action games on the market – in a Nathan Drake adventure, no detail is too small. Nowhere was this fact more evident than in Uncharted 3, where some eagle-eyed players retroactively spotted an ingenious Easter egg hinting at the developer's next game, The Last of Us. Just take a look at the newspaper headline, warning about the upcoming killer outbreak.

As it turns out, however, those eagle-eyed players were actually as blind as bats, because this Easter egg hides an even deeper secret just beneath its shell. Look what happens when you isolate the words that are conspicuously aligned on the "right" (i.e. correct?) side of the paper.

Our pets oversee deadly fun? Critics praised The Last of Us for grounding its zombie survival tale in the real-life science of the cordyceps fungus, but clearly the developer was pointing us to an even bigger and more imminent danger: our pets, whose adorable puppy eyes mask their murderous intent. The Washington Post ran an exposé on this very phenomenon in 2015 – but Uncharted 3 came out four years before that. If only we had seen the signs! Regardless, I'm glad to see that Naughty Dog takes this danger so seriously.

Wait a minute – NAUGHTY DOG?!!! The conspiracy deepens!

CONSPIRACY #3: THE "BRO" OF MARIO BROS.? IT'S SATAN!
If you're thinking that it doesn't get more serious than killer pets, you're DEAD wrong. Our next conspiracy involves nothing less than the eternal battle between good and evil – and if you played Super Mario Bros. back in the day, you've probably already lost! Like the other two examples, the clue was hidden in plain sight the entire time. Ask yourself: How many times did you see this screen?

Finding out that Princess Peach was still in peril was frustrating, but what you probably didn't know was that the very fate of your soul was also in danger. Unscrambling the hidden message in Toad's oft-repeated invocation reveals that Mario is in fact an agent of Satan!

Here is what the dialogue exchange between Mario and Toad was actually imprinting on your impressionable subconscious every time you completed a castle:

Based on this hidden message, the "unholy bricks" in Super Mario Bros. actually represent Satan, whom Mario and Toad clearly revere. Every time Mario breaks one of them, he's symbolically releasing the dark prince into the world. Nintendo reinforces this ritual of destruction by rewarding you with coins (greed) and power-ups – the most iconic of which lets you hurl fireballs out of your hands. Gee, who else is capable of spewing fire at will? That's right – SATAN! Wake up, sheeple!

Coming Up Next: Three final mind-blowing conspiracies, hidden in gaming's biggest franchises!