The lights are on
Enjoying games is so passé. While normal, lame-o players
enjoy this holiday's slate of amazing titles, an elite and much cooler group of
gamers will be lamenting how terrible everything about the industry is and
discussing super important topics such as ludonarrative dissonance. If you want to
join the cool-kids' table but don't know what to hate about this holiday's games,
look no further.
Below you'll find a list of some of this season's hottest
games, a totally posh reason to hate each one, and a backup complaint to really
drive home how awesome you are. It's a lot to remember, so if you happen to
forget one of these topics during a heated argument with your friends, just remember
that hating a game simply because it's popular is always a valid alternative.
Diablo III (Console
Versions)Haters Gonna Hate: It's
On ConsolesSure, the console version of Diablo III is made by the same
developer and features all the same content of the PC version. There's just one
problem – it's on consoles! There's no way the PC-fueled brilliance of the
Diablo series can be translated to a controller and television screen [Editor's
totally can]. Impress your friends by condescendingly dismissing the
console versions as dumbed-down ports for gamers who are too stupid to figure
out how a mouse works.Backup Complaint: It's
Still Not Diablo II!
Assassin's Creed IV:
Black FlagHaters Gonna Hate: A
Gateway To Animal CrueltyIn addition to exploring the cities of Havana, Kingston, and
Nassau, AC IV: Black Flag introduces players to a bevy of new pirate-themed activities
on the open seas. It should be a lot of fun – if you're an animal-slaughtering
psychopath. Ubisoft Montreal has revealed that players can hunt sharks and
whales in the game, activities that will undoubtedly lead to countless gamers going
on real-life poaching expeditions. Forget the millions of random guards players
have ruthlessly shot, stabbed, and (my personal favorite) pushed off of
rooftops in the series – won't someone stand up for the rights of digital
marine life?Backup Complaint: Pirates
Are As Clichéd As Zombies
Killzone: Shadow FallHaters Gonna Hate: More
Of The SameThis one's easy. Killzone: Shadow Fall doesn't do anything
new! All you do is run around with guns and shoot bad guys – real original. It takes
place on a sci-fi planet? Uh, been there, done that. The Helghast are involved
in a conflict? Puh-lease. If you need any more proof that this series is out of
ideas, Shadow Fall even has multiplayer. Talk about a by-the-numbers sequel.
Note: While this kind of overgeneralization is amazingly
powerful for dismissing first-person shooters, it works with virtually any
genre. Rayman Legends? All you do is run around and jump on stuff. Dragon Age:
Inquisition? All you do is talk to characters and level up. Forza 5? All you do
is drive cars in a circle. Works every time! Backup Complaint: Jimmy
Fallon Played It On Television – Gross!
Watch DogsHaters Gonna Hate: Big
BrotherWatch Dogs takes place in a dynamic, modern-day open world that
mixes single- and multiplayer gameplay in new and interesting ways. However, if
you play the game you might as well run the Bill of Rights through a shredder. Watch
Dogs glorifies personal-privacy violations by allowing the player to spy on
characters using security cameras, commit identity theft on unsuspecting
civilians, and even hack people's smartphones! Given the recent political
headlines and privacy concerns regarding Xbox One's Kinect, serving up these
kinds of illegal activities as entertainment is unconscionable.
Some people will say that Watch Dogs is trying to warn
players of the danger of intrusive technology – but the game sure makes hacking
into people's lives look like a lot of fun. Do I smell government propaganda?Backup Complaint: It's
Just Assassin's Creed In The Modern Age
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
Diablo III was mediocre on PC, so if it's the same on console, it'll still be mediocre. It was good for a single playthrough, but there's plenty of similar games out there with much more entertainment value. A huge waste of money spent on it and time spent waiting for it.
Assassin's Creed? It'll probably be good, but I'm about burnt out on the series now. I'm not really interested in another one.
I'm even more burnt out on Call of Duty. I've spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours on the series since CoD 2: Big Red One, and especially CoD4, and I'm done with its ***. The only way I'll buy a CoD game is... wait, I won't. I'll only play it if someone lets me borrow it, otherwise I'm not wasting my money anymore. Black Ops and Modern Warfare 3 were terrible, and while Black Ops 2's multiplayer was much improved over the two games before it, from my perspective it still isn't worth a purchase. I have a lot more fun with Battlefield anyway, and it satisfies the same hunger for a fun, modern-day military multiplayer shooter than CoD ever could.
While I don't know anything about the other games and don't really have an opinion, none of the games on this list have caught my eye. The only upcoming games I've got my eye on are Battlefield 4, Destiny, Titanfall, and Dark Souls 2.
lmfao - I use a lot of these arguments with my buds when we get into heated conversations about gaming. These are standard fair. Good job. LOL
Backup Complaint: It's Just Assassin's Creed In The Modern Age, I find this to be a pretty bad complaint. that is the reason I am getting the game, its kinda like GTA mixed with Assassin's Creed, which could be great.
"Backup Complaint: It's COD" ...thats really all you need to say. lol
While I couldn't care less about any of the games listed, this article seems like a great way to shoot yourself in the foot GI.
Jeff, you write some of the most amazing and funniest features! Thanks for this :)
Torchlight's console port was really good actually.
of other hipster relevance: Torchlight 2 was 10x better than D3
well.. actually Watch Dogs being a modern era AC is kind of true, and that bothers me, though not enough to detract me from buying it haha...
Great article. So true. Just read some of the comments around GI. I'm sure that's where some of the inspiration came from for this one. :P
Meh, having reason for my complaints are too mainstream.
Usually console versions of PC games are far weaker. Apparently D3 is not one of them.
Haha...thanks for taking the wind out of soooooo many sails. Great piece. :)
Jeff, you need a section dedicated to "I was into (insert indie game title here) before it was cool".
"Backup Complaint: Criterion Has Turned Need For Speed Into Burnout"
I don't mind it all all! Heck yeah! Better than the Need for Speed clones of Forza.
Other than that, You sir made my day with this article. Laughed from start to end.
The Backup Complaints are wayyyyyy better as hipster complaints than the "Haters gonna hate" reasons
Hipster City! I'm not interested in any of these games besides Diablo III... and I probably won't even get that. I'm way more hipster than you are. I was playing games before they were cool, and I just made my own bike because I'm ironic. I also have a beard and I'm smelly. Oh yeah... fedoras. Plenty of fedoras.