The lights are on
Enjoying games is so passé. While normal, lame-o players
enjoy this holiday's slate of amazing titles, an elite and much cooler group of
gamers will be lamenting how terrible everything about the industry is and
discussing super important topics such as ludonarrative dissonance. If you want to
join the cool-kids' table but don't know what to hate about this holiday's games,
look no further.
Below you'll find a list of some of this season's hottest
games, a totally posh reason to hate each one, and a backup complaint to really
drive home how awesome you are. It's a lot to remember, so if you happen to
forget one of these topics during a heated argument with your friends, just remember
that hating a game simply because it's popular is always a valid alternative.
Diablo III (Console
Versions)Haters Gonna Hate: It's
On ConsolesSure, the console version of Diablo III is made by the same
developer and features all the same content of the PC version. There's just one
problem – it's on consoles! There's no way the PC-fueled brilliance of the
Diablo series can be translated to a controller and television screen [Editor's
totally can]. Impress your friends by condescendingly dismissing the
console versions as dumbed-down ports for gamers who are too stupid to figure
out how a mouse works.Backup Complaint: It's
Still Not Diablo II!
Assassin's Creed IV:
Black FlagHaters Gonna Hate: A
Gateway To Animal CrueltyIn addition to exploring the cities of Havana, Kingston, and
Nassau, AC IV: Black Flag introduces players to a bevy of new pirate-themed activities
on the open seas. It should be a lot of fun – if you're an animal-slaughtering
psychopath. Ubisoft Montreal has revealed that players can hunt sharks and
whales in the game, activities that will undoubtedly lead to countless gamers going
on real-life poaching expeditions. Forget the millions of random guards players
have ruthlessly shot, stabbed, and (my personal favorite) pushed off of
rooftops in the series – won't someone stand up for the rights of digital
marine life?Backup Complaint: Pirates
Are As Clichéd As Zombies
Killzone: Shadow FallHaters Gonna Hate: More
Of The SameThis one's easy. Killzone: Shadow Fall doesn't do anything
new! All you do is run around with guns and shoot bad guys – real original. It takes
place on a sci-fi planet? Uh, been there, done that. The Helghast are involved
in a conflict? Puh-lease. If you need any more proof that this series is out of
ideas, Shadow Fall even has multiplayer. Talk about a by-the-numbers sequel.
Note: While this kind of overgeneralization is amazingly
powerful for dismissing first-person shooters, it works with virtually any
genre. Rayman Legends? All you do is run around and jump on stuff. Dragon Age:
Inquisition? All you do is talk to characters and level up. Forza 5? All you do
is drive cars in a circle. Works every time! Backup Complaint: Jimmy
Fallon Played It On Television – Gross!
Watch DogsHaters Gonna Hate: Big
BrotherWatch Dogs takes place in a dynamic, modern-day open world that
mixes single- and multiplayer gameplay in new and interesting ways. However, if
you play the game you might as well run the Bill of Rights through a shredder. Watch
Dogs glorifies personal-privacy violations by allowing the player to spy on
characters using security cameras, commit identity theft on unsuspecting
civilians, and even hack people's smartphones! Given the recent political
headlines and privacy concerns regarding Xbox One's Kinect, serving up these
kinds of illegal activities as entertainment is unconscionable.
Some people will say that Watch Dogs is trying to warn
players of the danger of intrusive technology – but the game sure makes hacking
into people's lives look like a lot of fun. Do I smell government propaganda?Backup Complaint: It's
Just Assassin's Creed In The Modern Age
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
This article is really good, but I don't know if I've ever met a legit hipster who played video games that weren't "retro-chic". Or Braid. They all play that.
Right on! This was so on point! I really feel sorry for the gamers that are to cool for school. 10 years from now when everyone is talking about their experiences with the games on this list, there are going to be some salty gamers that realized they missed out.
This was great!! I actually didn't know there was another Need for Speed in the works until I read this. Now I'm excited again.