Horror Movie Lessons: Vol. II

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by Jeff Marchiafava on January 27, 2011 at 04:30 PM

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In the first volume of Horror Movie Lessons, we learned a variety of life-saving tips, such as avoiding shady reality television show offers, not believing anything the Grand Inquisitor tells you, and that double-crossing Rutger Hauer is never a good idea. This time around we bring you 15 more invaluable lessons culled from the ~~crappiest~~ finest horror movies Netflix Instant View has to offer.

	Death Machine: If you are the CEO of a futuristic weapons manufacturer and one of your mentally unhinged employees creates a terrifying killer robot that has already mutilated some of your coworkers, you can just kill him. Don't bother telling him that he's fired and that you have revoked his security clearance - just shoot him in the head and be done with it.
	Hellraiser: First of all, don't play with puzzle boxes that open portals to hell. Secondly, if your ex-lover - who is now a skinless corpse - is encouraging you to bring him victims that he can drain the blood out of in order to grow stronger, you can help him out if you really want to...but don't be surprised when he double-crosses you and sucks your blood out instead.
	Hellbound: Hellraiser II: So, you're a distinguished doctor who has extensively studied the occult and the puzzle box that summons unspeakable monsters from hell. Despite this knowledge, you decide to resurrect the aforementioned mistress betrayed in the first film, who is now a skinless corpse herself. Now she's asking you to bring her victims to feed on - guess what you don't do?
	TerrorVision: If you have already established that the hideous alien that crawled out of your television has a penchant for killing and sucking the guts out of your family members, don't hit it and call it a "butthole" while trying to feed it junk food.
	Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell: When an evil-looking genie demands that you make a wish so that he can open a gate to hell, don't use colloquialisms that can be misinterpreted, such as "break my heart" - he's going to literally do it. Also, don't defiantly tell him to "blow me" either...especially when you are standing in front of a giant pair of bullhorns.
	Ghost Warrior: If you're a janitor working at a high tech laboratory that has just thawed out a frozen, centuries-old samurai warrior who is clearly having trouble adjusting to modern day life, don't try to steal his samurai sword. Sure, it's probably worth a lot of money, but you're not sneaky enough to tiptoe past him without waking him up, and you don't have the combat skills to avoiding being sliced to pieces.
	Zombie High: When the professor of your exclusive boarding school reveals that the staff is lobotomizing students and using their brain tissue to extend their own lives for hundreds of years, it's time to drop out. Don't bother trying to explain it to the sheriff; either he's not going to believe you, or - as the diploma on his wall clearly states - he's a former student and he's going to bring you back there. Instead, just hop on the back of your jock boyfriend's motorcycle and get the hell out of Dodge.
	Evolver: So, you won a video game contest that involved besting a digital robot in a series of shootouts, and as a prize the company wants to bring a prototype robot to your house that you can play against in real life. They assure you that it's totally safe, but when you hack into its programming, you see obscure snippets of code that refer back to a top secret - and unexpectedly aborted - military training program. Did we mention that the robot evolves as you play, and doesn't like to lose? Bottom line: Don't let that robotic *** into your house.
	The Legend of Hell House: Oh, brother. If an eccentric millionaire ever asks you to spend a weekend in a place called hell house with a few scientists who are determined to get to the bottom of things, reject the friggin' offer - especially if you stayed there once before with a different group of scientists who were all murdered in horrible ways. This is common sense, people!
	Attack of the 50 Foot Woman: Don't mistreat your wife. You never know when an alien might transform her into a 50 foot giant, giving her the perfect opportunity to exact revenge on you.
	Cherry 2000: It's always tragic when your sex-bot short circuits because the dishwasher overflowed while you were making love on the kitchen floor. But before you tromp out into the deadly wasteland to find a replacement, take the time to consider the sexy robot hunter you just hired as a potential romantic interest. If you realize before you leave that she's better than a replacement sex-bot because, you know, she's a real woman, you can save yourself a lot of time and hassle.
	Journey to the Center of the Earth: Trying to drill your way to the center of the Earth is never a good idea.
	At the Earth's Core: Seriously, what did I just tell you?
	The Core: Fine. By all means, burrow your experimental vessel straight down into hell and see how that goes...
	Friday the 13th: Parts 1-9: I could tackle these movies individually, but the lessons are largely the same. Do not go camping at Crystal Lake. Do not go camping at whatever they change the name of Crystal Lake to - it's still Crystal Lake. Even after Jason Voorhees is reportedly dead and everything is back to normal, Crystal Lake it is not a good place to go skinny dipping or to have unprotected sex in your hopelessly indefensible tent. Also, do not attempt to kill Jason Voorhees yourself. Do not kill Jason Voorhees' mother. Do not dig up Jason Voorhees' body for shts and giggles, or to make sure that he's really dead - he's not. That noise you hear in the woods is not a wild animal or your friends trying to play a trick on you - it's Jason Voorhees. If by some miracle your puny attack manages to catch Jason Voorhees off guard, do not loom over his body to see if he is still breathing, or peek under his mask to see what he really looks like. Do not, under any circumstances, tell Jason Voorhees to "give me your best shot." If you are being chased by Jason Voorhees, do not paddle a rowboat out into the middle of the lake, and then peer over the side to see if he's swimming out to you - no matter which side of the boat you look over, it's always the wrong side. And most importantly: Do not watch Friday the 13^th: Part 5 - it is complete horsesht.

This concludes the second volume of Horror Movie Lessons. Feel free to share any tips you have learned from this educational film genre in the comments section below.

Comments

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by Williamon Friday, January 28, 2011 at 03:27 PM

Hey! I liked Friday the 13th Part V!
by chillingLJ69 Friday, January 28, 2011 at 03:37 PM

i'll take these to heart
by Josh Friday, January 28, 2011 at 04:38 PM

Lol Friday the 13th lessons should be so obvious
by PSychotic Friday, January 28, 2011 at 07:04 PM

jeff, i think you should know i had to learn all these lessons the hard way. all of them.
by goatr Saturday, January 29, 2011 at 01:37 AM

i remember several years ago back when i was in the army i had myself a Friday the 13th marathon and watched all of parts 1-8. i only recall parts of them and can't even remember parts 3 or 5. i do remember a guy getting punched by Jason and his head flying off. that amused me to no end.
by BMW Saturday, January 29, 2011 at 10:03 PM

Personally, I hate rowing boats and wouldn't last 5 min. with Jason.
by doomsday1155 Monday, January 31, 2011 at 10:10 AM

Rofl that is complete awesomeness there! Good job with the Friday the 13th ones especially!
by TheOpethAffinity Monday, January 31, 2011 at 02:28 PM

Little Shop of Horrors:

Don't feed him. No matter how much he asks. Because he's a giant, man-eating plant.
by Thomas Elliott Monday, January 31, 2011 at 04:27 PM

Friday the 13th... wow. I haven't watched that in years. The 30 seconds with bunnies version is funnier though :)
by kookoomendez Tuesday, February 01, 2011 at 09:39 AM

Haha, The Core was priceless XD
by boomgood Wednesday, February 02, 2011 at 08:18 PM

Chupracabra Terror that's all I have to say
by TenaciousDsciple Thursday, February 03, 2011 at 09:12 PM

That Friday the 13th paragraph was masterful prose. The more you read the name Jason Voorhees in print the funnier it gets.
by Luis E. Morales Falcon Sunday, February 06, 2011 at 03:45 PM

Dead Space downfall, okay it is from a video game series but here goes. If You find yourself on a space colony and you hear they unearthed a misterious alien artifact that belonged to a religion lore, get on a spaceship and do not come back, Ever.
by stevenb1291 Sunday, February 13, 2011 at 08:03 AM

Wait! Friday the 13th has 9 parts??? Man am I behind.... ;-)
by stevenb1291 Sunday, February 13, 2011 at 08:04 AM

And you forgot "The Human Centipede!"
by Haiden Goodman Saturday, February 26, 2011 at 07:20 PM

If I'm Gordon Freeman can I attack Jason Vorhees?
by entropy1985 Saturday, March 12, 2011 at 01:23 PM

Good call on skipping Friday the 13th Part 5. It was directed by a guy who did porn before he got to that gem of cinema. Need I say more?
by cocoapropo Saturday, August 06, 2011 at 02:27 PM

That's great. You make Jason Voorhees sound like Chuck Norris! lol "Do not blah blah blah Jason Voorhees." "Jason Voorhees will blah blah blah kill you." "You cannot outrun Jason Voorhees." "Jason Voorhees never dies." "Chuck Norris wears Jason Voorhees pajamas." Yeah, I said it! (And now, Chuck Norris will probably hunt me down and kill me for making such a ridiculous claim.)

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Horror Movie Lessons: Vol. II